this is a really great story and really creative idea! would you mind posting it to harrypotterfanfiction.com ? i'd be really grateful :) thanks!
Hi there! This is for the Gryff. Review Circle!
First of all, I love the plot you have going here! I've only read two chapters and am excited to see what's coming next.
As for if you should combine the first and second chapter, I think they work better seperately. The first chapter is more of a prologue, and this is more of an opening chapter. I think they should stay how they are.
There are only two things I would like to comment on. In the first chapter you say that Clariss' parents were Ravenclaws. In the books, Marcus Flint was a Slytherin. So is this just part of your story, or is Clariss' dad a relative of Marcus? Also, in this chaper it says Albus was at Hogwarts. Al and Lily are two years apart, so if it's Lily's 6th year, how is Al still at Hogwarts? Is this also for the sake of Fanfiction, or something else?
Other than that, I'm really interested in your plot. I want to see what Clariss is Seeing, and how it plays out. It's refreshing to see a Next Gen. from the POV of someone other than the Potter kids! I will probably be back soon to read the other chapters!
Oh yeah- and I love the Frank Longbottom character! So cute he's the opposite of Neville!
See you on the boards,
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review and yay for getting the review circle going! Clariss' dad isn't Marcus Flint. it's not really important to the story who her parents are so I might just change her surname because I get a lot of that type of comment. As for Lily and Albus, I've posted this story on two different sites and over a thousand people have read it, but you are the first person to point out that mistake! At first I didn't realise I'd made a mistake because I didn't check the book, but I've kept it that way because I want that extra tie to canon. The story wouldn't work with Clariss being a fifth year because of some of the content I have planned, so I decreased the number of years between Albus and Lily. I hope that's okay! Thanks very much for the review and I'm glad you found it interesting! Sarah x
Amazing story. I can't say which parts I like the most because they're all good. Please update soon =)
- Alie V
Author's Response: Thank you very much for reading this and for the review!
OMG! can you please update soon? I love this story... it's so different!
Author's Response: Hi there, thanks for the review. Unfortunatly, I lost what I'd written for the next chapter when my laptop broke, so it may be a while until the next update. Thanks very much for reading, though. This story will definitely be completed, even if it takes a bit of time. Sarah x
Wow, what an amazing story! I think it would be even more wonderful if you could continue it soon. Just to confirm, Professor Black is one of Sirius' ancestors, right?
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Yes, Professor Black is one of Sirius' distant ancestors.
Nice! The Professor Black?! Soon to be headmaster!? Can't wait for more!!
Author's Response: Ah, I forgot about him! You mean Phineas Nigellus? No, it's not him. This fic is set in the 1670s, well the historical part anyway, so it's about two hundred years before Phineas Nigellus's time. This guy is a different Black. Thanks so much for reading, though, and reviewing!
Wonderful chapter! I really like the whole idea you're playing with here.
Anyway... very excited to keep reading on...
Wow, what a lovely chapter! I really like it so far - your writing is very good and very engaging. Your characterization was spot-on and I think the whole concept is something interesting and new for a next-gen story.
Can't wait to read more!
PS - I just noticed these two little errors at the end...
This was something that I didn’t know anything about, however, with my sister’s being in different houses. My parent’s too had been Ravenclaws, so I knew little about the space concealed within.
Author's Response: Hi Elene, thanks for the reviews! And also for spotting the mistakes, I went though a phase of sticking an apostrophe everywhere I could, I'll go and fix them now. I'm glad you find it interesting :) Sarah x
My first impression is that this is a really, really cute story so far. The summary made me excited about the mysterious connection between Clariss and the past and the romance between Ara Grey and her Potions Master, so I was a little surprised at how . . . normal the first chapter was. I really liked it. It's a good way to introduce Clariss, but I'm a little worried about the promises you're setting up here.
You did an excellent job setting up Clariss's character. When she blurts out her question about Lily's father, she is a quintessential Gryffindor! The portrayal of the Sorting, her worries, and the fun tales at the table were all perfect. I felt like I was really there with them. I thought Lily's character was also well portrayed. I can see that she would humor people who keep asking about all the famous stuff, while at the same time, get tired of it sometimes. And the outlandish stories about Harry and Voldemort were wonderful. I laughed really hard when reading those: great use of humor! I also liked the addition of the wishing stone: I expect that it may end up to be more than it seems, so it's a nice reminder that there are mysterious events that may occur later on. The plot was also very easy to follow and interesting. I liked how you managed to add conflict throughout: first, her worries about the Sorting, then the disappointment that none of the people she could count on (her two sisters, Clarabelle, and Regan) ended up in Gryffindor, and then her slight faux pas with Lily. A regular Sorting ceremony could have lacked conflict, but you did a nice job keeping it present. The setting wasn't mentioned much, but we all really know what Hogwarts looks like. Still, it might have been interesting to see what she thought about the enchanted ceiling.
The biggest problem I think you might have (and I could be wrong, since I've only read this one chapter) is that your promises in your first chapter don't really seem to mesh with the promises in your summary. The summary made me think that we'd be starting in Clariss's sixth year, but instead we're at her Sorting. That's quite a long time before sixth year. And the Sorting seemed to be about establishing a friendship with Lily Potter. So, if I just read the first chapter, without reading the summary, I'd think that the story was overall going to be about Clariss and Lily, and their adventures. Maybe it is, but I'm not sure how Lily is related to Ara Grey and the mysterious Potions master. If your story is really about Clariss and her connection to Ara Grey, you might want to find a way to introduce something about it in this chapter -- otherwise, you might want to start later on, closer to the story you actually want to tell. I also caught one small mistake: in the sentence "My parent’s too had been Ravenclaws, so I knew little about the space concealed within", "parent's" should really be "parents" since you mean the plural, not the possessive. The only other issue I have is that you seem to have conflicting styles going on. The summary and the beginning quote are kind of mysterious, deep, and poetic, while the actual content of the story is very cheery and playful.
Overall, I really liked it. I normally prefer darker, more mysterious stories, which is why the summary caught my eye, but I found myself really enjoying the lighthearted gaiety and everyday worries of friendship. Great start, and I look forward to reading future chapters!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Long reviews = love. The first chapter. Yeah, I've recieved another comment like yours on another site, and if I was writing this from scratch, I would find a way to combine her Sorting with the second chapter, which begins on the first day of their sixth year. To do it now would mean a lot of re-shuffling and re-writing things. However, I may do it some time, if I get writers block or something. The first chapter is almost like a prologue, and it's important that we see Lily Potter's Sorting and Clariss's reaction to it for later points in the story. The second chapter relates more to the summary and things do begin to happen there relating to Ara Grey. I can't really say more without giving things away; this is supposed to be rather mysterious, but Lily does come to play an important part, without realising it, later on. Thanks so much for taking the time to review this! Sarah x
I really like this fanfic.................... I read it pretty often! Is Chapter Eight almost done? I really want to know what happens next!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. Chapter eight is currently being stitched together, so it shouldn't be long! Sorry for the wait! Sarah x
I wasn't aware that my name was being used for fanfics. O__O
Can't do much about it now, I suppose. You're welcome?
I really like this story! I keep reading it over and over................... Please update soon!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for continuing to read! Chapter eight is in the works now so it shouldn't be too long. Thanks for persisting! Sarah x
:)! It was really well written and I am looking forward to reading more since I am very curious about her predicament with the visions.
OMG I LOVE THIS STORY! Hurry up and update this so I don't go crazy, please!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviewing and I'm glad you like the story :) Chapter eight is half way written, so it shouldn't be too long now. Sarah x
It was interesting hearing all of the rumors that people made up about the events that occurred in the final battle and before that! Also, there haven't been many stories where they are centered on Lily Potter. More of them revolve around Albus Potter and Rose Weasley (and of course Scorpius Malfoy).
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, Brooke :) Sarah x
I love the idea for this. I'm curious as to where this will ultimately end up. About how many chapters are you planning for?
I'm not sure where I'm getting this idea from, but I feel like Professor Sye is Ara, though that's unlikely, as that would make Sye several hundred years old. Unlikely.
Also, your summary? Last line is absolutely killer. That's what made me read the story (also, there's history involved - luff!).
Now, Clariss' name confuses me. When I first read it in the story, I thought it was a typo, but as I kept seeing it spelt the same way I saw I was incorrect. Do you say it as Clar-is, or like Clar-eese? I'm always interested in the pronunciation of uncommon names (my real name is quite problematic) of any type.
Sorry, but I have to get into the history while I'm here. I never considered that the dress code would have much changed throughout the years at Hogwarts. Is it required for the girls to wear the lacy dress robes, and the boys the high collars? Or is that just the 'fashion of the day'?
I'm curious about how your characters will continue to develop as the plot thickens. So far I've only seen the frameworks, if you will, of each of the characters and their place in Clariss' group, with the exception of Clariss, who's head we get to see inside of! :D
I've spotted a pair of minor errors, one of them a apostrophe on the wrong side of an s and another involved the use of a incorrect word . . . I can't seem to find them now, but I'm sure their in either chapter three or four. I'll be sure to let you know if I remember. ;)
I'm dying to know why exactly Clariss is having her visions, and I'll be on the lookout for a new chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks very much for your review! I don't know exactly how long this is going to be, I sort of just plan as I go along really, but it's not going to be concluded any time soon. I'd imagine twenty plus chapters, though. Professor Sye isn't Ara, but she does have a bigger part to play, as you've probably guessed! I don't want to give away too much, but there will be more of her later in the story. As for Clariss's name, it's pronounced how it's spelled Clar-iss, with a double s prounounciation (as in hiss and kiss). I got the name while I was watching some antiques programme and they were on about a pottery artist called Clarice Cliff, and they were pronouncing her name 'Clar-iss'. I didn't know until I googled her afterwards that it was spelled different, but I liked the different spelling so I kept it. With the history and the robes type thing, I didn't really think that the girls wore the same type of robes as the boys because in the Muggle culture of the time girls and boys wore different things. However, the main reason for the uniform change is the fact that in that scene I needed Clariss to realise that this was happening in the past, and the most obvious way I could think of doing that was by what they were wearing. School uniforms change with the years (over here, blazers with uniforms are coming back in, whereas a few years ago no schools had them), so I don't think it's too unbelievable to think that uniforms of the past would have been embellished with a little fashion of the day. Thanks for pointing out mistakes, I'll have a scour though and see if I can spot them. Thank you so much for this review, I always love to hear what readers think! Sarah x
Very nice story and extremely interesting. I am really looking forward to reading more about the visions Clariss has.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)
Clariss seems to be almost as much of a morning person as I am. You’ve officially endeared her character to me – gotta support my fellow (fictional) morning-hater.
I liked the fact that you had people of different Houses sitting with each other. J.K.R. never really seemed to address this, but I can’t imagine that nobody ever crossed House lines during mealtimes. It would get so boring always sitting with mostly the same people for seven years!
I also liked the fact you made Neville (at least, I think it’s Neville) a Professor – and a slightly bumbling Professor at that. I always imagined him as being a gifted but clumsy adult, which is exactly how you wrote him. Yay!
For some reason I expected the hidden item to be a diary, but I suppose that would have been a little too easy. Hmm.
Ah, well, good job again!
Author's Response: Thanks once again for the review! I'm not a morning person either, though Clariss is about to face changes in that department. Won't say no more!
I laughed when I saw that Lily hated Divination as much as Harry. I think it’s funny when kids inherit certain traits from their parents.
As for the time change or whatever it was… it caught me completely off-guard, which was fabulous. I’m quite confused, though! Is the new Potions Professor at Hogwarts now or in the past? Or both?
I was a little surprised at Lily’s complacent acceptance of what Clariss told her. I know I would be more than a little worried if I started having flashbacks about places I never was. Then again, I suppose I’d probably be ok with that sort of thing if I attended a school of magic…
I hope you don’t mind all these reviews. I rarely feel compelled to review stories this much but I can’t help myself with this one.
Author's Response: Of course I don't mind all these reviews! Thank you so much! I thought that with Lily and the flashbacks, since she's been raised with magic and attends a magic school she's pretty accepting of weird things happening. She's heard of Seers before, so she knows that that kind of thing could happen, however much she says she thinks they're mad old lunatics. She's also more accepting because it's Clariss who has experienced it. If it was someone else then she would be more skeptical, but because it's her best friend, she believes it. And the Potions master thing, I thought I'd changed that... oops. It is confusing but I couldn't think of another way to phrase it until recently. The man she sees is the Potions master in the past. I'm going to cut the bit where it mentions he's a professor and just have her seeing a man, and leave the explanation at that. Thanks for all the reviews! Sarah x
I really enjoyed the way you described Clariss’s, well, awe at meeting a Potter. I remember how impressed everyone was with Harry in Harry’s first, so I’d always imagined that people, especially kids, would be rather impressed with his children as well. I also enjoyed Lily’s reactions to questions about her father – it wasn’t overdone, as I’ve seen so many other people write it. Lily seems well-chuffed with her dad, which is cute and realistic, to me, at least.
Off to read the next chapter!