I cannot say enough how much I LOVE this poem. The style appeals to me, as it is similar to my usual, and of course the subject is, as I'm sure many would agree, the underlying theme behind all the HP books.
Just a comment. The name Severus, like most of those in HP, has latin roots and translates, according to latin dictionaries to "stern" or "severe". JK has also confirmed this to be the root, and other online sources also say it has connotations of severity and strictness. I just wanted to point it out to you. However, none of that makes your poem any less awesome. You portray perfectly the self reflection and guilt that make the character so wonderfully lovable.
And I had issues with the length restrictions too, so I feel ya there. A "finished" poem cannot be forced to be longer. I hope they fix that.
I love snape and this poem!
Author's Response: Thank you! I love Snape, too :) Peace, Virgil
Very good poem. It rhymes really well (and believe me, I know how hard it is to do that). Good job!
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Dear Virgil –
I definitely enjoyed reading this poem. Severus is one of my very favorite characters and I do love seeing people explore the possibilities within his story.
I like your description of Severus as a servant. This really reminds me of the “most loyal servant” descriptions that can be found throughout the series. In this context, though, you’ve managed to change the connotation. Whereas in the series, it’s negative (being the “best” Death Eater”) you’ve made it positive by making the “servant” one to someone beloved. Also, on this note, I really like the title. It seems to really fit with Severus’ personality. An essential part of his character is the delivery of short (sometimes sarcastic) and powerful lines. I really think that the title represents his character and his personality well.
Although I think that you did a very good job with capturing Severus’ character, some of the lines feel as though they’re a little bit too simple to really belong to him. I think the line that really stood out for me with regards to this was “Even as your body rots…”. I sort of feel that the word “rots” is a little bit too blunt and slightly too simplistic to be Severus’. I’ve always been struck by the fact that he likes to use his vocabulary and I don’t really think that he would have been quite so graphic in describing Lily’s remains. He always romanticized and idealized her and I think that he would have continued to do that after her death, even when describing her dead body. So, in order to remain stylistically accurate to the character, I would try to make your phrases fairly concise and (especially when talking about Lily) to use rather more romanticized phrases rather than more graphic/accurate descriptions.
My favorite stanza was definitely the third stanza. I think that using a question in this instance rather than just a statement (“I wonder if you’d be dead.”) makes the sentiments more poignant. Also, the reflection on the past is wonderfully characteristic of Severus. We know that he constantly thinks about the past and having him wonder about theoretical changes here in the middle of his poem really puts an emphasis on that aspect of his personality.
Again, I think that you captured the nature of Severus extremely well in this poem, though some of the word choices were just slightly off. Obviously, things like word choice are of far greater importance in a poem because the reader doesn’t have all of the background to the story that they would get in a piece of prose. However, I think that it’s quite wonderful that you have such a grasp of Severus’ behavior and generally can write him well. For fanfiction authors, I think that he is one of the more difficult characters to write, so well done on that.
And, of course, well done on crafting a very touching and enjoyable poem!
Author's Response: What a great review! I enjoy the constructive critism, and I agree with you completely. The whole essence of the character is difficult to capture. (While I wrote this, I was being... ahem... distracted by a science teacher blabbing about something having to do with Charles Darwin) You definitely read into my words, and I really appreciate it. Thank you! ~Virgil~
this was very sad and poignant It conveys Severus' anguish and shame at his past words, as well as the love he bore Lily and the grief he must feel at living without her
Kara's Aunty :)
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! Made my day a little brighter. I'm glad you liked it <3 ~Virgil~