That was a sad chapter but at the same time it offered jsut a little bit of hope. At least james gets some privilages
Well, to be honest, I have received a lot of criticism for my choice to put James in a non-hostile environment at Azkaban, but really, it only makes sense. Considering his dad put most of those inmates in there...would they really put James around any of them?
Plus, there are other mitigating factors, which you are soon to see. Hold on, because this story is about to be cranked up several notches.
I debated about reading this story for a long time. I hated teh idea of yet another sirius in askaban. however it sounded intersting and the twist was certainly unique and so alas I am here reviewing. I must say I like how you have made teh characters, while there is no real cannon to base them off they seem believable. There is clearly a deeper story that we will eventually figure out. I can't wait to see James' real motivation. congratulations you hooked a non-believer
Well, I'm glad I piqued your curiosity enough to try. There is definitely a lot more to the story than in the first chapter...a lot more, actually. I hope that the rest of the story assuages your fears of a stereotypical story.
Take care and happy reading!
This was great! All chapters have been, though the family-stick-together theme stood a bit still for my tastes. This chapters brings the story in motion again, with Lily and the diary. Good work!
It's funny that you should say that the first few chapters drag a bit, because it's where you meet Albus as he was at that time. You might long for those chapters once you hit the craziness that is on the way. So many things are set to happen, I almost envy you not knowing what happens.
Happy reading, and thanks for reviewing!
This first chapter of your first fic gives a very, very good first impression! And second...
Very interesting start! Will read what is already posted as soon as I can!
Why thank you! I'm pleased that you're pleased. :)
Everything i posted for this story minus the epilogue, but it's in the queue. Hopefully, it will be out before you get there. Happy reading, and if you like my writing in the first chapter, then you'll like subsequent chapters even more, because my writing vastly improves.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you stick with it!
This was a very good book. I could barely take my eyes off it. The suspence was exelant. Great ending too. Keep it up. Thanks!
Oh, thank you very much. :D
I'm quite proud of writing this. as it's the very first piece of fan fiction that I've ever done. I never intended for it to be this long (as is, it's longer than HBP), but I'm really glad that I didn't leave anything out. I am working on an epilogue, so if you're interested in reading it, either add the story to your favorites or keep an eye on the Most Recent list for the next couple of weeks.
Thank you for reading, and take care!
Beautiful and awesome writing style... only one word to describe it... GRIPPING!!! I heart it!!! :)
Thank you so much for letting me know what you think!
I loved writing this story, and even though you're only about 1/3 the way through it and there is plenty of action to come, I'm glad that you've enjoyed what you've read to this point.
Take care and happy reading!
Lol... gripping storyline, and gripping storytelling. But yes, I guessed this one. Kudos for narration tho. :)
Well, bonus to you for knowing what happened before you got there. However, there are plenty of twists and turns that await you as you get further into the story. So, no worries about guessing the whole story, because there is so much going on, it would be close to impossible.
Thanks for reviewing and happy reading.
Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story. See you later in the chapters!
Great!!!!!!!!!!! I'm on chapter 9!!!!!!!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!!!
Chapter 9 was really hard to write, considering it pushes the boundaries of what MNFF will allow, but I think I handled the issue relatively well. I'm glad you appreciate it. I love getting new reviews for this story, since it's my favourite that I've written.
Anyway, keep reading and enjoy!
I am on chapter 6 and I love it!!!!!!! You should consider a career as an author!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why, thank you! Writing is one of my true loves, and I would be ecstatic to be able to do it for a living. :D
Thank you so much for reviewing, and happy reading!
ahhhhh! That gazsaxFsfhasha!! Stupid, stupid Goyle.
Albus Sverus Potter, you'd better find her. Merlin, I hope she's alright.
Ah, thank you so much for reviewing!
Yes, Goyle is, indeed, a king-sized git. Keep reading, as more of the plot is on its way very soon.
Thanks for stopping by and happy reading,
Lord. This’ll take ages to review. Why did I wait? It’s a completely new story on which you take a new idea. You know where I stand as far as ‘Next Generation’ standing on loose details. With such strings JKR offers people in the epilogue, they have this opportunity (No, I’d say it’s more of an obligation if they truly want a good storyline), to create this entire world around them where they might fit in. I’m surprisingly hooked with these first couple of paragraphs. You have modeled the Wizengamot straight out of the “Hearing’ in Phoenix, so that fits canon well. You jump right into the action, which is a conventional, an expectation of young adult literatures.
his own brother, Albus Severus Potter,
Yes, I picked out a fragment. Here’s my point. While I can see that you use a formal voice for the court procedures, this is rather redundant. I can see earlier you put ‘he, Harry’ as a note of clarification, and that works, but why would we need to know Albus’s full name. (I often make a Spanish crack here, but I’ll skip it.) Do you see what I mean? He’s not on trial. The formal tone doesn’t need to be there. His family watched this? Well, yes, that does work because that happens a few times in Goblet of Fire. Can you imagine how horrible that would be as a spectacle? In the old days, as I am sure you know, that was the good old form of entertainment.
Her hair had become liberally streaked with white during the course of this trial, and her eyes now had worry lines that were not there before.
This above sentence seems like a bit of an over exaggeration, but we’ll go with it. I like that you consider James Potter to be a Quidditch player earlier in life; the fact that he finds a second career shows you completely thought this thing out. You bring a canon into the story quite nicely. To tell you the truth, I’d forgotten of good old Jimmy Peakes. Your detail here surprised me; you write narrative stories in a style that is similar to my own. I usually harp on people about the importance of a blend of dialogue, narration and flow. You explain these details well. The splintering of the wand is an interesting concept, though it’s even more interesting that you have James watch.
Right, so I’m just going to run though and discuss the rest of it. I am trying to think of whatever could have happened to Lily; she’s clearly the missing party here that we’re supposed to overlook. I’ll do that for now, but it is something that might be important. Why couldn’t James simply claim self-defence? You don’t have to answer that. I’m discussing that one with the plot bunny in my head. I do have to say the relationship between Hugo and James is well done. As a voice, looking at James, perhaps it is too formal, but what do I know? I’d thought he’d drop the elite, really elite, ‘proper English’ and knock it down to Standard English a bit. He sounds too proper when you consider the family and environment, especially if you look that he was raised inn the company of the ordinary Weasleys. That’s my major thing about him.
The wife, the wife confuses me. Is she the daughter of Neville and Hannah? Right, just so you know, I caught on to the surname of Longbottom, and I’m not slow. I’m piecing this together in a very tired head. Whatever enters my airhead is spilling out onto the paper. I think I’m writing out my reasoning. I feel for James here. Really, I do, and I’m all for justified punishment. Yes, sir. Can you tell I’m slipping? Making the reference to the entire family is just something elongating the guilt, the shame, the feelings. The ending of the chapter is poignant. It reflects the scene that you expect with this motif. Thank God he’s not just getting off because he’s, you know, Harry Potter’s son or whatever. I like that this is an older New Generation, and I would say that you are almost undoubtedly on a limb out there all by yourself.
‘Biirrd, Jess, biiird.’ (Sorry, that’s a line that I share with my Jessica when I tell her to go out on a limb. She just now got it. That’s my Jeshie.) Anyway, I love controversial literature. Any good literature, if you truly want it to be good and memorable to an audience, needs to push the envelope. I’m trying to do that myself and it’s a bugger at times. Well, I meant for this to be longer, but I’m falling asleep.
Let me know your thoughts.
You really covered all your bases there, didn’t you? Not a rotten apple in the bushel. This is undoubtedly one of the best things I have read in regard to fan fiction, and, in case you haven’t noticed, I am REALLY picky. Jennifer is amazed and thoroughly convinced she’s a ***** writer compared to you. Why am I writing in third person? You really, I mean, quite honestly, you blew me out of the water here. Damn, if I thought that I had a shred of talent. You are very talented. Why the hell aren’t you totally engrossed in original fiction? This is nearly that by a hair. I’m trying to be nit picky.
This thing reads like a damn novel. Well done.
First off, wow to the wonderful review! I know you said that you've been meaning to read this, but usually that is just something that people say when they want to make me happy, lol.
The thing about Albus is that I designed this story to be readable for someone that is not competely familiar with the Next-Gen family tree. Basically, I wrote two chapters, sent them to a few friends: one that was a HP fan, one that had seen the movies, and one that didn't know much at all. I crafted the beginning to meet the needs of those who had only seen the movies and those who don't really know Harry Potter. I probably could have nixed the middle name, but in my defense, this was the very first piece of fan fiction that I had written. Ever. Truthfully, I hadn't written creatively for about ten years before this, so I'm actually surprised you like it so well at this point. My later chapters and other fics are much more well-written.
The dialogue is, indeed, a bit stilted, and I've been meaning to fix it, but I consider finishing the Epilogue to this story more important at this juncture. It will be remedied as soon as I can get my lazy arse to do it. :D
And about James's wife - yes, she is Neville and Hannah's daughter. Canonically, they aren't listed as having any children, but it never said that they didn't, so I took some liberty there.
There are many, many buried hints in this chapter as to what happens later in the fic, all of which will become ridiculously obvious once you move along (which is how I meant it to be). The mod that approved this story all the way through actually started to read it a second time for enjoyment, and she was astounded by the amount of effort that I put into these little seeds of information, but I don't really give it away.
You will see many characters in this fic, most all of which are canon, and yes, there are a few fluffy spots, but considering the events surrounding them, you'll probably feel that these poor bastards need some solace.
I hope you keep reading and enjoy the story. It's got more twists and turns than a plate of spaghetti, so there is plenty with which to keep yourself occupied. Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope to bump into you again later down the line! Since it will end up being, including the Epilogue, just a hair longer than Goblet of Fire, it might take you a while, though.
Take care and happy reading,
Nice, I liked the introduction of Fletcher. He is bound to hate the Potters, isn't he?
I had completely forgotten that the Dementors were expelled from Azkaban. Here I was expecting them, and suddenly-- they weren't there! xD
I do wonder, however, if Harry would really let James have that much of a preferential treatment. I'm sure the other convicts get much worse hoardings... Harry's always been very fair, and James refusing to talk about what he'd done... It doesn't paint a convincing picture, and I don't really think that Harry and Kingsley would bend rules to get James such a good place to stay.
Ah well, we can always assume that Harry really loved James, or that he did it for Ginny =D
Can't wait to find out what happens now...
Haha, this is hard to explain without being a spoiler. There is a good reason why Harry doesn't want James in a hideous cell. First off, how many of those prisoners were put in there by Harry and wouldn't mind getting a vicarious piece of him through James? He would need to be kept away from all of that.
There is also a later plot point around it, but I'm not going to tell you, because you're still not there yet. :D
Ooh, very intriguing. You've set up the fic brilliantly, and I can't wait to see how the story proceeds.
From what I can see, James is going to be stuck in Azkaban for the rest of his life. But sitting there, it's practically impossible to do anything... I'm left wondering how things are going to work out. Will James break out of Azkaban? Or will whatever developements that are going to occur, occur when he's at Azkaban? Curious.
The chapter's very well written, the descriptions and everything are wonderful, and your choice of words makes the scenes so much more hardhitting.
Three nitpicks-- two small, one slightly larger. The first is that when this story takes place, Rita Skeeter is bound to be around 86, well past her prime. So when the Weasleys, being around 90, aren't able to handle the stress of a hearing (albeit a more personal stress), I somewhat doubt that our dear Ms Skeeter would be continuing her job... And even if she were, I wonder if she will be doing it with the same acrid pleasure.
The other small nitpick was that in the various trials that we have seen, there never has been a lawyer per se, and they've definitely never mentioned being a lawyer or an advocate as a profession-- Bellatrix, Rabastan and co didn't have a lawyer, neither did Harry or anyone else, really. I haven't read many PH fics, so I don't really know what kind of changes are common in the wizarding world in fanfiction, but I suppose this could be one-- introduction of lawyers to fight the case for people. I guess this is mainy to tell myself that I should probably consider any thing that I notice different from the canon wizarding world as the world developing in the span of around half a century. Sigh, that got rambly and probably didn't make much sense. Ah, well.
Moving on the to the larger nitpick-- as I told you over AIM, the dialogue seems quite stilted and overly formal in places. I agree that James is bound to speak with some degree of formality when speaking to the jury and the wizarding world at large after his hearing, but when he's really steamed up about Goyle making evil comments, or when he's talking to his friend (i.e, Hugo), he isn't going to be quite that formal. I'm sure that this will get better as I go along, but I just wanted to bring it to your attention, since dialogue is important... and if it doesn't flow well, it jars the reader, or ruins the flow.
Other than that, though, I have no complaints. For an unbeta'd first piece, it's brilliant so far. This review has gone for far more than I was looking for, I need to read the next chapter =D
Well, we discussed all of this over AIM, but I'll document it here in case someone is reading this review and thinks I ignored it (which I never do).
About Rita... I meant to change that to her daughter Raita, which is a play on Rita's name (Rita/Raita; Reader/Writer... get it? Yeah, I'm that awful, lol). Having a second-generation hack journalist is only fitting, since every generation has one.
About the legal representation, I have that as a system instituted by Kingsley at Harry's urging. He knows what it's like to stand in front of the Wizengamot alone, scared, and not knowing what to do. It's only fair to provide legal counsel to everyone to make sure that their rights are protected.
And the dialogue... I personally do talk that way, but I know that it is in need of polish. I intend to overhaul the first few chapters to fix this, but all in all, it definitely does improve.
I'm glad you like the story, since it is my baby. I told you a bit about its origins and what I wanted out of it, but it was a very long haul with lots of twists and turns. I hope you enjoy the ride as you read. :D
how is lily goyles sister?
Author's Response: Ah, I believe you've misinterpreted. Lily is James's sister, but she used to date Goyle. She left him.
Wonderful story. More Ron and Hermione. Would read anymore written. Thanks
The Epilogue, which is in the works (promise, promise, promise), has more Ron and Hermione in it. If you want more of this story, did you check out About Last Night? It is about the daydream that James had on his first day in Azkaban. It's not dark or angsty or anything, but you might enjoy a little bit more to that scene.
Just click on my username (in the Featured Stories, it should be there), which will take you to my author page the easiest. It'll be really far down on the list (probably the last one), but that's the easiest way to get there.
Thanks for reading and I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. I really love this story like someone would a child, and it makes me really happy to see so many people reading it. Take care and happy reading!
I have read the first 8 chapters and this is the best story I have read. And hope harry is not going to die. From the beginning I guessed that has something to do with Lilly. So, I'm going to continue with the rest of the story. I've also noticed there's very little of Ron and Hermione in this story. Just there adult children. Ilike it thank you.
Thank you so much! Truthfully, I think the later chapters are much better than the older ones, but that's just be being critical of my own work. I'm so glad you like it.
The story gets darker - much darker - and some of it is terrible. but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The next chapter after this one is very dark, but it's so important to the story.
Ron and Hermione are almost completely absent from this story, because Harry did not want to involve them in what he was doing. Hermione does work for Magical Law Enforcement according to canon, so he didn't want to put her into any bad spots to where she would have to either turn him in or lie to her bosses. Ron he couldn't tell because he would tell Hermione, and that leads to the reasoning above. Harry is, after all, dabbling in dark magic (like an idiot).
Stay tuned, as there is a lot more story to go!
Take care and happy reading,
Great! Good for Albus. Very well written!
Aw, thank you so much!
I think Albus was my favorite part of this whole story. I took a character from the epilogue with only basic information and turned him into someone that is almost real to me, and that's just so awesome that I got the chance to do that.
Thanks for reading and checking in. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Take care and happy reading!
Wow! I'm sorry I haven't left a review yet, but I've been reading this and it is great. I'm totally going to finish your story. I truly can't stop reading it. Great job!
Lol, no worries. I love reviews of any kind, no matter how late they are.
It's interesting that you should pick that chapter after which to leave a review, considering the events surrounding it. Most reviews I get after that have some sort of swear word and a derivation of 'if Greg wasn't already dead, I SO hope someone would kill him.'
Anyway, thank you ever so much for reading my humble story, and there are a ridiculous amount of plot twists ahead, so brace yourself. I hope you enjoy it!
Take care and happy reading!
It broke my heart seeing Harry so old and his marriage falling apart! I have always really been a Harry fan and in my mind, Albus really represented what maybe Harry would have been like if he hadn't been "the Chosen One" and he'd grown up normally. Al was truly brilliant and you could really empathise with him as well as James, though I was surprised the wizarding world had no precedent on the issue of rape!
Also it was very interesting to see your portrayal of Draco! I truly thought it was a possible scenario for what could have happened and it my heart I hope it's real (even though I guess none of it is real).
And I'm terribly on edge hoping you'll say what happens with Harry and Katie!!
You did a wonderful job, this plot would go just as well outside of the HP world as in it and I loved reading it.
Ah, thanks for paying a visit to my little world that I've created. I really appreciate reader feedback so much!
Harry is, without a doubt, my favourite major character in the Potterverse, but he's also, in my mind, one of those men that are just not designed for marriage. He blindly accepts risk, keeps many secrets, and many times does things without thinking them out. This isn't who I built in this fic - Jo did that. I just extrapolated what could happen should these characteristics continue to manifest in his life, even after the Dark Lord's defeat. I truly do want him to be happy, but this course of events couldn't make any sense at all if he got a happy ending and Draco paid for it in blood.
Speaking of Draco, I really think that, with some proper characterisation and seeing canon events in a new light, could really be the man I made him to be. He's actually the subject of my next novel-length piece, which shows his road to redemption. It's halfway done, and when I'm finished editing and get to about 2/3 done, it will hit the queue. I, too, hold high hopes for this one.
My story is, above all, not a love story. Many of my reviewers forget that when they trash me for 'ruining' Harry and Ginny's marriage, but anyone with a couple of brain cells to rub together would realise that nobody would stay with Harry after what he had done in the course of their marriage, especially not someone as strong as Ginny. She's simply not that stupid, and to cast her to be that would be madly disingenuous.
Thanks again for reading, and the Epilogue is coming very soon!