The title of this story caught my eye! I remember maybe, two years ago, when my BFF and I called my brother 'Sanguini' because he liked all thing vampire. Anyway, I don't really know how to describe this story...But it definatly in a good way!
If humans had any idea what the color red did to a vampire, they would eradicate it from their lives, from the very face of the earth.
That’s a great opening line, mysterious and dramatic, but it isn’t connected to the rest of the story. It reads like a narrator statement, and then the viewpoint changes to William’s. If you switch the second sentence around, and place it directly after the first, it would draw the reader in and introduce character all at once. Like this:
If humans had any idea what the color red did to a vampire, they would eradicate it from their lives, from the very face of the earth. William let out a sigh, though he didn’t need to breathe.
I enjoyed the thought that the vampire at the Christmas party only looked bored, and that anticipation heightens the pleasure of blood as much as it does other things. “Sanguini” being is his “annoying alias” made me grin. I agree the irony of the name is eye-rolling. For some reason (probably because the scene was told from Harry’s viewpoint) I imagined Sanguini was middle-aged and unattractive, so I liked your forever nineteen, sunken-yet-sexy portrayal much more.
Sometimes vampire romance is corny in the extreme, filled with purple prose, but yours isn’t, it’s feels genuine, although the courting phase of their relationship lasts only two days (that did jolt me. I’d hoped it would be longer, two months, at least). Yes, he’s prolonging the “delicious torture” to get the biggest bang for his bite, but you convey that Daphne isn’t just another score from the first impression: intriguing. William’s pleasantly surprised that she quickly snaps out of her ‘gee, you’re hot’ daze. The sound of her laughter pierces him (in a good way, I’m assuming, heh). He hates not being able to come up with a “definitive” answer to why he chose her. It’s well done, the way you portray him seducing in his prey with well-orchestrated vampire moves while seeming to develop true feelings for her at the same time. It made me wonder if the earlier “becoming one of his favorites” line meant he has a harem of brides like Dracula. I hope not. I’m too romantic. I want Daphne (who comes across as a formerly levelheaded turned impetuous teen girl) to be the only girl he wants to spend eternity with. :D
I do think “almost a minute” is a very long time to be pressing your lips to a love interest’s neck unless you’re licking and sucking and purposely giving a love-bite. In your story it detracts from the mental image of her quivering, him “reveling in her subtle terror” and turns the moment comic. I’d consider cutting that clause and just having “He drew his lips away.”
When it comes to concrit, there’s a dialogue formatting error—She nodded, "I read the book.”—should have a period after nodded, you overused the word “though” (I “search this document” in my own work to avoid repetition so I notice things like that) and you switched tenses with “He can imagine her panic.”
All in all, however (yes, I deliberately chose a substitute for “though”) I found the story and its ending delightful, as was your use of romantic imagery with the snow and trees.
Sanguine is a nice nod to Jo’s play on words, but I don’t think it suits your story half as well as what William told Daphne she was playing.
hlow sad , he chooses daphne for prey , btw have u read twilight?
*thud* Exquisitely done, Marie! A perfect blend of seduction, horror, and mystery. And your ability to blend completely original storylines with HP canon never cease to amaze me.