Wow. I really like this story! Everything about it is perfect. I hope to read more soon!
Several years after reading this chapter for the first time, I come to review… :o
Anyway, I really liked it. It shows nicely how the relationship between Charlie and Antoinette progresses, leaving me wanting more. I hope you update soon – but maybe your muse waited for my review to be inspired? ;)
As in the first chapter, I loved the characterisation. Charlie and Antoinette are beautifully portrayed and I can relate to them both very easily. The dynamic between the two is gripping and well-written. I also like Charlie’s development from being a daydreaming stutterer to a bolder getting man who realises what he truly feels for Antoinette and who acts accordingly. Really well done. The kiss scenes were just lovely, having me nearly melt in my chair. ;)
The French was nicely integrated into the story, too. It felt really natural, even though I noticed a couple things that I would express differently. For example, the question “Antoinette, ne moi dites pas que vous vous intÚressez Ó Charlie?” I can see where the “vous” comes from when you use an online translator. However, the “vous” is very formal and generally not used with cousins who know each other very well. You would use the “tu” instead: “Antoinette, ne moi dites pas que tu t’intÚresse Ó Charlie?” Also, I feel like you kind of overdid the lengthening of the vocals in “eet” and “es” etc. I checked in my copy of “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”, and in the scenes I reread, neither Fleur nor Madame Maxime lengthen the vocals like you did. They say “it is”. I like that you tried to give Antoinette an accent that is thicker than Fleur’s, but with chapter two, you overdid it in my opinion. For future chapters, I would try to write the dialogues in normal English at first, and then go through it sentence by sentence and edit in the French accent. This way, you can’t do too much wrong when you leave the “i”s as “i”s, you know? What I loved, however, was how Antoinette lengthened the nicknames to “Andee” and “Tonee”. That was just sweet.
What I also noticed were a few errors you could easily avoid if you were to pay a bit more attention in the editing. For instance, in the sentence Charlie what did you do?, you forgot to put a comma after “Charlie”. I’m certain you know the rule that when you address people in speech by title or name, the address needs to be surrounded by commas. Otherwise, you can change the sense of the sentence to the extent that it’s understood differently than you intended. And another example is “But,” Fleur said, “you are right, et ees a bit stuffy.” . Shouldn’t “Fleur” be substituted with “Antoinette”?
I liked the ending, with Charlie asking Antoinette if she wanted to repeat the kiss. It was just sweet. However, I would have liked for Antoinette to say something to Charlie after he ends the kiss and before going to the Burrow. Right now it looks like Antoinette is incapable of speaking – is he such a great kisser? ;)
Overall, another sweet chapter, but it could have been perfect with a bit more attention.
Oh wow! This is a great story, I love it!
It is great to see a treatment of Charlie, the forgotten brother. This story starts out very well. The context is believable. I am looking forward to the next installment.
i love this story! i have never read one centered around Charlie but you did a great job! please please update soon
OOOOHHHH! Lovely chapter, Terri. Charlie is just so wonderful. He gets so embarrassed and it's really heartwarming.
I particularly enjoyed Bill's account of the date with Fleur - although he was a bit ungentlemanly leaving her in the pub like that. No wonder she was mad.
Andi is fleshing out nicely ... and she takes the initiative with that kiss. And what a kiss! Wonderful. ~Carole~
I really like this chapter. I like that they didn't go into an akwerdness after they were on the beach; they just kissed. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that they didn't wait. I really like them together. They are fun to read. I'm very excited to fin out what happens in the next chapter.
Ohh, what a lovely story! And it’s dedicated to me? *hugglesquishes* Thanks, hon. I truly love it.
I really liked how you set up the story, and especially how you started it. Getting into the action right away pulled me into the story and I felt as if I was in Charlie’s stead. I could easily imagine what it meant when the unexpected happened, although Charlie already had other plans. His thoughts being torn between his family and his job shows nicely how dedicated he is, and that he truly loves his dragons. The way you then showed how Charlie and Victoire act together is really sweet and shows that Charlie loves his large family just as much as the dragons. This love came across really well, especially in the way Charlie and Bill were play-wrestling on the floor, or later when Charlie spoke about Fred’s death. Even though the twins and Charlie weren’t that close in age, you managed to show perfectly that each of the Weasley siblings is close to the others, disregarding age differences. I found you did a great job in all those details and the characterisation of the Weasleys. All of it – the details, the set-up, the characterisation – immediately pulled me in and let me experience the family dynamics just nicely, setting a calm and relaxing pace of the story. I truly enjoyed reading it; it created a bubble of warmth and happiness in my stomach.
The way you described Charlie’s first meeting with Antoinette was interesting. I especially loved how you explained what Charlie felt when he touched her hand for the first time: he felt as he did when he had stuck a spoon in the little white box at one of his childhood Muggleborn friend’s house. I laughed out loud when I read that. In fact, I laughed a lot while reading. When I wasn’t laughing, I smiled the entire time. It’s a really well-written first chapter for a surely brilliant family tale you started there. I can’t wait to read the rest. That it’s dedicated to me makes it all the sweeter.
I found that you managed the French accent really well, but I think you could still go a step further without going overboard. You see, when looking at a few places where Fleur and Madame Maxime speak in Goblet of Fire, they even have the “th” as “z”. A sentence like Bill, you know my family will be ‘ere in the morning, I would think you would be ‘elping me to get everything ready. would sound more French if it looked like this: “Bill, you know my family will be ‘ere in ze morning, I would zink you would be ‘elping me to get everyzing ready”. However, I liked that Fleur and Antoinette are stretching the “i” in “is” for example. As I know from first-hand experience, that’s just how French speak in a different language. Great job on it, especially with the French sentence Antoinette spoke in regard to the jellyfish. Though, the grammar is a bit off in that sentence. I assume you wanted to have her say that it’s a medusa, right? In this case, the sentence should rather be “Ca c’est une medusa!” or even shorter “C’est une medusa!” The “n’” indicates a negation, and a not completed one I’d like to add. The correct sentence, grammar-wise, would have to be “Ce n’est pas une medusa”, but that doesn’t fit with the sense of the situation, so you need to leave out the negation. But I really love that Antoinette talked so much French in the final scene. It adds a beautiful touch, more so that Charlie had to ask for a translation, hehee. Excellent work, hon. I lost myself completely and watched a beautiful movie unfold in my head while my eyes took in the words.
Overall, I can only repeat what I already said: I absolutely love the first chapter. Tell your muse a huge thank you for running away with the idea like that, and just because I wanted to read some fluff. ;)
OHHHH! FABULOUS! Terri, I adore this story. Charlie deserves a good time after the kicking he gets in Apparently Asleeep (thanks for the nod by the way - ha ha). I love Antoinette too - she seems so sad and lonely. I hope she likes dragons though, because I can't see Charlie being able to live without them for long.
Favourite line that made me literally LOL was Smooth, Charlie, he thought. First, you knock her down then you touch her in some very inappropriate spots. Yes, smooth as glass.
A lovely fluffy first chapter that has everyone IC and gives us a heartwarming glimpse into Bill and Fleur too. Ohhh, I can't wait to see if Ron is really over his Veela attraction (heh heh). Well done. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I'm glad you like this so far. I couldn't not reference AA, and "Carole's" canon. For those who haven't read Apparently Asleep by Equinox Chick, I strongly recommend it. I'm not sure yet what Antoinette likes, but we will see.
That line was originally going to end smooth as silk, but I wasn't sure a wizard who is not only a Weasley but lives with dragons would know about silk. So, it became glass. I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks for the help with names and the encouragement to even write fluffy. Terri
Oooh I'm liking this! I always loved Charlie but thought of him as a bit of a player! But I like him with Antoinette, I hope things go good.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. Interesting idea about Charlie being a player. I always saw him more Ronish, complete rubbish with girls because of his dragon obsession. Thanks again, Terri
I really like this stry. I've never read one about Charlie and this makes me want to read more. I can't wait to see where this story goes and I hope the next chapter is up soon.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. As this is my first fluffy romance, I have no idea where it is going. As long as my muse continues to enjoy herself with this, the next chapter should be up soon. Thanks again, Terri