You chose Neville in this challenge. That’s s a nice move to make the character come to stage. You pointed out the delay in the sleep cycle, and that’s good, because it is just like that. It’s clear what you are trying to do with the ‘oh no, oh no’ freak out here, but the repetition might be a little overdone. The way that Neville discusses his approach towards Luna sounds spot on. Although he wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, he would be honest to himself about these feelings. You pulled that off, showing his growth of a character.
You are moving in the story, yet you need more detail because it shouldn’t be a jumping plot that tells. You ought to set up the scene because you want readers involved in the story, and this might be moving a bit too fast that it comes out boom, boom, boom. The idea that Ron is the one who shows up at the door to escort him is a nice touch. What is the significance of the exact minute-by-minute time? Yeah, I know that she shows up at 6:20, but it sounds like maybe it’s pushed a little. It might just be something for a noted routine.
I love the ‘crap coming out of your mouth’ line. That is humor that doesn’t sound forced, and it’s naturally rolling off the tongue. You are switching from American English and British English here because you have one mention of ‘blokes’. I don’t recommend that you blend language variations. It makes a difference… a noticeable difference. Alyssa, darling, the thing about the Deaf person is off. There are language impairments and there are delays and it sounds different because of phonetics. That’s the way stuff sounds, yeah? It wouldn’t be said with such standard perfection. You’d have to listen to samples. This conductor wasn’t born Deaf, but there would still be a difference. This is just a recommendation, but perhaps there would be more of a magical element of they traveled on the Knight Bus. That’s a mere suggestion because I keep thinking you can hold on to all the same elements. The angst grudge at the end is lovely and a nice touch.
It’s an interesting idea and good insight into Neville. Let me now what you think. Keep writing.
GO Alyssa! You made it!
I love the story, but I already told ya that, but I'll just tell it again. Me likes to see what came of my hubbie after Hogwarts :P
Author's Response: Thank you so much Andi. I'm glad you got to see what happened to your husband after Hogwarts. Thanks for the review and I'm glad that you liked it!