Very clever. You start off giving us some lovely lines about the hot August day, and Hogwarts having fun. (Summer holidays, I bet those teachers are living it up without those pesky children) You give us some lovely description, la la la , all is pleasant in the worls and then WHAM! There's a dead girl at the bottom of the lake. And now I need to know her story. I need to know what Emily did that so upset Tom Riddle. The imagery is qyuite frightening, BB. You've described the skeleton not graphically, but still gruesomely ... I've read this through several times now, and a few times aloud, and it flows very well and the rhythm does not seem forced.
Great job, BB. ~Carole~
I have to start by saying that this is a very well written poem. Your rhyming is well done and the story you tell is a great mix of spooky and mystery.
The first 2 stanzas really stand out and it sets up the mystery that is yet to come. Theses stanzas are fun and whimsical, a nice contrast to later stanzas.
The 3rd stanza sets up the mystery that need needs to be solved, I do admit that the flow of the last line just doesn't flow well to my ear: "And between the slime," There just seems to be a word missing, perhaps give the slime a color? a one word description? That would add some icing that would help the flow here. The rhyme here of shine and slime also isn't exact, but they have similar sounds if in a bind.
The fourth stanza has good ideas and adds to the mystery that needs solved, but to me it seems awkward. maybe it is because to me a body is not someone, unless it is living. A body is what is left when the person (someone) has left it. If the ghost was still floating around there, maybe it would make more sense to my mind. So perhaps I'd feel better if you said "You can find...a body" Also underwater smell wouldn't permeate as it would in the air. It is not out in the open and our human noses wouldn't be able to detect that stench.
The 5th stanza offers more answers, and I like the ideas that are found there. Again, I find the wording a bit awkward. The flow seems broken (I guess you could have been trying for that...like the body). Not sure how a body can be patent, if its as decayed as described above...the body as a whole wouldn't still be patent, but the skeleton is.
The 6th stanza flows and asks great questions, again catching the readers attention. Who is this girl?
The last stanza answers all...but again it seems broken up with harsh sounds and lots off stagato... lots of "B" and "T" sounds.
This is an imaginative poem that tells a story and keeps the reader in suspense until the every end. While a few sections have an awkward broken up quality to my ear, that brokeness could add to the poem because it matches the brokeness of the body being described. Well done and well written.
Whoa, BB. That's amazing. I'm actually in awe. That's such a brilliant poem, I'm actually going to favourite it. Well done. You made my faves ;)
The ending was a brilliant idea. And that's a great little plot for a story, too. I wonder what she did to Tom that made him want to kill her?
I love the questions. It makes the skeleton less of a corpse and more of a person. The name is what really does it though. She's not just a girl. She's Emily!
The only little nitpick I can find would be on the rhythm. It's perfect the whole way through, except for the 'You can find... someone. ' That bit throws it off the tiniest bit.
Not really much to be complained about, though. That's just amazing, BB.
I love it (:
I really like this poem. It flows nicely.