Yes seqeaul pleas
I read fanfiction rarely these days, busy as I am with real life and my own fanfiction, but I thought I'd give this one a chance. Lily and James shippers don't usually do dark/angst (that I've found, anyway) and the idea appealed to me. I'm glad I decided to try it out: it was very, very well done and worth the read!
I liked the way you wrote; it reminded me of Hemingway. It was also so very teenager, with little details that made all the difference. I liked the brief mention of him taking a vial of Sirius's potion, for example, or the way that he proclaims simply that his situation "sucks." He sounds like any other angsty teenager and I loved it, even though I'm a sucker for fluff.
One critisicm: the story switches from present tense to past tense a little ways in. Both would work for the story but consistancy would be helpful. I use to be dreadful about tense, so I'd be happy to look over and offer help on a sequel if you wanted. :)
One thing I really liked was the clear longing that you presented in James. Having a crush on someone, especially when you're his age, and having that crush unrequited is so hard. Every little word and touch and look means something and every rejection is the end of the world and you feel so inadequate every time you see the person you like happy without you. I liked how he also wanted her physically and wasn't a mopey romantic; no teenage boy wouldn't be thinking those things about the girl he fancied. The way he turns all his feelings into anger at the end was also fitting.
Overall, good job. Hopefully things will look up for poor James and Lily will realize what she's missing! :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. As for the tenses, I have a total problem with them. I would love it if you looked over the sequel, but it's probably not what you're expecting. It's a chaptered fic and they aren't even together until the very end. It's not going to be a James/Lily story, so you don't have to if you don't want to. Thanks again for your review!
Dear ron lover,
This was a very interesting story to read. One doesn’t see many James/Lily stories in the Dark/Angsty category, which is really what drove me to read it. I liked what you did with James’ character, even though it technically falls under alternate universe. Although I am very fond of James/Lily, it’s always struck me as slightly implausible that James would pursue her relentlessly for so many years. Surely he would have had a period of doubt? This story seems so very realistic in that James does give up. So, lovely take on his character.
One thing that I did notice about this story is the writing style. You have a very distinctive style – lots of short and rather choppy sentences and very short paragraphs. Although writing with such short sentences is a very effective writing tool for making a specific point, it should be used in moderation. Just for the sake of keeping the writing fresh, I would suggest integrating sentences of different lengths so that the emotional impact of the abrupt and short sentences is greater. Although James is a very strong character now, I think that varying the sentence length would just give James (and his thoughts) a little bit more punch.
But, as I was saying, those short sentences really do convey James’ character very well. It brings out a good bit of sarcasm and dry humor, which are things that are extremely common in the teenage males of the human species. Take this, for example:
“Why do I do this Padfoot? That’s a good question. I hope you figure it out someday.”
That sounds extremely like a couple of teenagers having a disagreement. Perfectly characterized – you didn’t fall into the trap of writing a very mature James. While I’m sure that James did have his moments, he was still a very young man, and wouldn’t have perfect and polite behavior all the time. Especially around his friends. So I was very happy to see that you really nailed that part of his characterization properly.
Something else that I wanted to point out was your use of the past and present tense. You spent a good deal of time switching between the two tenses. Within the first few paragraphs you switch from: I sit down at the other end of the table to I made my way down the hall to where Lily and her friends were sitting.
This confused me as I was reading because I was never quite sure where the voice was coming from. In order to avoid this, I would suggest rereading the story very carefully and comparing the verbs to make sure that there aren’t a group of paragraphs in one tense and another group in another tense. Keeping the tense uniform really helps make the story clearer for the reader. (And I’m not saying that, should you write a story in present tense, that a few past tense verbs won’t sneak it. However, there shouldn’t be constant switching).
Oh, and how could I read this without commenting on your use of song lyrics? You did a wonderful job of incorporating the lyrics into the piece. The song you chose was very fitting for the themes and really leant itself to the title. Actually, speaking of the title, I thought that it was extremely clever. Not only did it convey James’ multiple tries to impress Lily, but it gave the reader a bit of foreshadowing to the ending. I’m always impressed by clever titles like that. So, wonderful job on making the title have a double meaning and having it refer to a song. Brilliant work with that.
I think that you, as a writer, have a very firm grip on characterization, plot, grammar, and story flow. Once you master some of the more stylistic parts of grammar, I could only imagine that your writing – which is already wonderful – would be superb. I truly enjoyed reading this story and I look forward to seeing what else you write in the future.
Author's Response: Thank you for the really really long review. I wasn't expecting one that long. I'm not good with verb tenses at all. I really need to word on that. Thanks for the compliment. The really made my day. Thank you so much for the review. I'll try to work on my tenses.
I liked this alot. I wrote a similar story, but mine lacked any dialogue. I like the way that you mixed James' thoughts and the conversations he had. Good job!
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'll have to check out your story.
Uuuuh, that makes Lily seem so mean!!! I'm a big L/J shipper, so if you write a sequel, make them come together???
I agree with Apurva about James characterization, the use of the song and the twist at the end, although I obviously want James and Lily to come together and live happily ever after (until they're killed, that is ): ). But still, it added to the... uniqueness.
Anyway, I thought this was a good One-Shot!!! Well done!
Author's Response: Thanks for your review. I'm a L/J shipper too and in the sequel they do have Harry. It's going to be an AU story though. I'm glad you like James characterization. It was hard to write. Thanks again for your review.
Since I’m the first to review, I’ll try and leave you a nice long one :) Overall, I thought the one-shot was great. You characterized James’ hopelessness very well – after all, it must really suck to be rejected so many times! – and the pain that he was feeling really came through for me. Here is how my day goes. The way you started your one-shot really emphasized the repetitive hurt that James is feeling. You did a good job of showing the way he thinks about her all the time and how it hurts him just as much as the first time whenever Lily rejects him.
Also, I loved the use of the song in the story. It fits the theme perfectly, and you used the song sparingly without trying to fit in song lyrics in multiple places throughout the story where they might not really fit. Many songfics tend to err on the side of too much repetition, and you carefully avoided doing that. The plot, of course, is known from canon, but I liked that you focused on their earlier experiences alone rather than their final love story.
I wasn’t too sure of the ending of the one-shot, though – it was great that you ended it on a negative note, as so few Lily/James stories ever do – but it seemed rather strange that James would suddenly switch from being obsessed with Lily to deciding to forget her completely. Maybe you could’ve shown the change more gradually? I must say I wasn’t expecting your ending, though – I was expecting something more along the lines of “Lily decided to give him a chance” – so the way you added a twist at the end was great.
Finally, there were very few grammar mistakes in your story! Awesome work in that arena. You suggested writing a sequel to this one-shot; go for it! I think it would be great to see how Lily finally decides to take a chance on James Potter, and their love story would be quite perfect to write, I think. Just a general question: what inspired you to write this one-shot? Did you hear Over and Over and suddenly think about how it might pertain to James/Lily, or was this an idea that had been stewing for quite some time? I’m just curious :) In any case, thanks for a great reading experience!
Author's Response: Oh my gosh thank you for this long review! Three Days Grace is my favorite band and I listened to this song and I thought that it would go great with a story. There's other songs from them that I'm going to make a story out of too, so they should be coming soon... My sequel is going to be different that what you are expecting probably but it will go into more detail with the ending of this one. Thanks again for the review. I really loved it.