Nice story! Amusing,and I felt glad that Snape at least got to enjoy some pleasant dreams.
I like how these are quick flashes into Severus’ mind. Yes, it is a humor fic, but I think that you have something here. It is parallel to the Pensieve, except you show this all in a different light. It’s interesting Severus receives this package, and that he dies not hesitate for even a moment tossing it out. Taking it into the Headmaster’s office might have sparked more curiosity from the Headmaster Portraits. You have Dumbledore here, yes. I understand that your main focus from there on in is any interaction between Severus and Lily, but any interest from the portraits seems almost as an expected given when anyone walks in there. It’s random, too, so there are often cases where anyone jumps in and random characters from JKR’s ‘Wizards of the Month’ thing jump in and get a little light recognition.
I like how the first daydream is reflected in the pond display that Flitwick ropes off after the Wesleys leave school. It is OOC for Snape, but that’s the point. The image of him passing 10 Galleons for a moment of entertainment does seem that off. You probably should have mentioned that Lily looked as though she were sixteen earlier in that first passage; it jumps back with a little bit of an odd turn there later on. As Severus was raised by his mother, well, seeing that his father was not much of a character (yeah, we don’t actually know out of ‘A Prince’s Tale), I think the one joke that wouldn’t really work here would be the ‘baving suit’ thing. Do you see my reasoning? It’s not a big deal, of course. He most likely returned to Spinner’s End in the summers, so he probably saw people in the summer wear. That makes me wonder that before they hashed it out when they were fifteen, Lily and Severus spent their summers together.
A drooling Severus is quite a picture. He was human and not this hooked nosed monster, so I like that you present that side realistically. And the mad Alecto catches him? I crackled a smile then, really. You should have had him cackling a stupid response back and Severus clearing the board with some of his awesome wit. I thought Severus was hilarious; he lives by a dark humor. Going back for a reread, if you read that first dungeon scene in ‘The Potions Master’, it’ll crack you up how smart that character is. At least, I thought he had funny written all over him. I have a dark sense of humor that nobody gets. No offense toward anyone who worships Harry Potter , and I get that he was supposed to represent the ‘average kid’ or whatever, but the kid is rather insipid, and he’s nothing without Hermione Granger. That’s one flaw of JKR: Harry had to be reminded fifty times to keep on track. It’s kind of an insult really, seeing as she might be saying kids have a short attention span and can’t sit there as they devour her books over the summer.
The way that you insert Dumbledore’s rhetoric is good, but seems to be literally inserted there for reminding us that he’s hanging there on the back wall behind the Headmaster’s chair. It doesn’t flow too naturally; that’s what I’m trying to say. It’s good. Especially, and I know that I keep bringing up that connection with ‘it does no good to dwell on dreams’ (which, ironically, is exactly what Dumbledore did), but you wove that part in well throughout. That’s your strongest move.
Well done. Let me know your thoughts. Keep writing.
You may like some of my S/L fics. They'll all be posted on my livejournal account.
I really like this story. It's a good idea. I really like Snape in this story. He was very good.
Author's Response: Thanks, Alyssa!
Wow! I couldn’t stop laughing. This was a really amazing and original idea for a story. However, I wasn’t just laughing; I honestly felt sad for Severus. I don’t think he would have been that weak to actually depend on the Daydreams, but your story was once again reminded me of his “great love.” I also love the way you brought in Dumbledore and his stern advice.
I think there were a few errors, though. One was, you spelt “breach” as “breech.” The other thing was that I think the male Carrow sibling was Amycus, not Alecto. :)
Author's Response: I'm glad I managed to make you feel both happy and sad. I've achieved my goal!