MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: ron lover
(Signed) · Date:
08/16/09 19:37 · For:
I really like this poem. Everything is good in it. It's like perfectaly Hermione. I can't describe it, but it's good.
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm pretty proud of it.
(Signed) · Date:
07/19/09 11:35 · For:
I'd like to start by saying really great idea for a sonnet! I like how you show Hermione's frustration, her hurt feelings when Ron left her and Harry. I also like how in the end a bit of humor creeps in.
I do have to say that there are a few areas that just don't seem to flow well to me.
I loved the first line. It sets up the poem. Acknowledging the vow Hermione and Ron made to Harry. The next line took a minute for me to define to myself who "He" was. Saying Harry's name there would help with that instead of being so vague.
"It's harder without the help you could lend" This line just seems a bit ackward. I know you need a rhyme for end, but perhaps re-wording this a bit would help with the flow? It just seems really broken up, stagato.
In the second stanza I like how you go into Hermione's feelings for Ron. In the second line to me rearranging it around a bit to "I thought it was obvious, but now I guess not" would flow a little bit better then starting with the harsh B at the beginning.
The last 2 lines here are just a bit disconnected, they just don't seem to totally share an idea. mentioning how it feel so wrong for him to be gone would flow better but I'm not totally sure how to word it.
I like how in the 3rd stanza she gets back on track with her current life, how she needs to be there for Harry and try not to think about Ron being gone.
I don't like the line where she says "I will never follow you" To me that just isn't quite in character. Perhaps something less harsh like "I can't follow you right now, it would be wrong." would be more in character because if Harry's need of support and her help was not more important, I think she would have followed Ron, but the world they lived in was at stake, so at that moment she couldn't, but otherwise I'm not so sure she wouldn't have followed him. "I love you, but this is where I NEED to be" might be more accurate.
I love the ending. It sums up the poem quite well and adds in a bit of humor in that time of toil and stress. Humor can be a God send in those most stressful moments and helps cope with them.
Author's Response: Cwiddy, thank you! I love the criticism and I agree! I'm glad you liked the poem. I'll take your advise and look it over; again thanks I appreciate it!