very good I really like the interesting argument against breeding with Muggles I had never thought of it that way before. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Aw that's just mean, ending the story there. I want to read more!!! It's really really great right now, I don't think there's anything that can be improved on. All I want is to hear the rest of the story!!!
I love your story,it's one of the first stories I've read and definetely the first I've liked.I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: G'day, And alas, I will be trying to bring you more as my HSC overcomes me.... damn school. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
Yay, an update!!!
I love how thoroughly Drucilla can kick ass. I mean...she's like Daredevil, Superman, Storm, and a ninja rolled up into one person.
I am interested to learn what significance the blood from her headwound holds, since I'm fairly certain it does.
Anyway, thanks for reading my crappy, fangirlish review, and happy writing!
Author's Response: G'day LOL about what Drucilla is. And the significance of the blood is really the fact that she can heal herself with no effort. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
It's been so long since I read the first two chapters of this story, I had to go back and re-read them so I could follow the new chapter better.
Hmmm, so she'd kind of like Daredevil with the ultra good hearing? I believe that it is almost fitting that she's blind, because it seems like something Voldemort would do intentionally. It would make it impossible, or nearly so, for her to usurp him at any point, because he would have just enough advantage to beat her, should she ever become inclined.
I can actually picture the little fireball fight in my mind, your imagery was that good. The camaraderie between Drucilla and George is interesting, but I find it even more so that he doesn't find her questions about rather inane things to be odd at all, such as being a twin, etc.
Well, this is an interesting story, and I do hope the next installment won't be months in the making, lol. Good luck and happy writing!
PS-Just a couple nitpicks I thought I'd point out. I figured you might want to know.
*Blaise's name is properly spelt 'Zabini' (no M)
*'“Well, may I escort you to the arena, where you shall beat the snot out of many people?” George asked her, holding out his elbow and letting it brush her arm gently so she was aware of its presents.' Should be 'presence'.
Sorry, I'm a nitpicker, lol. :D
Author's Response: G'day Sorry to have made you wait so long, but I've been busy. I want to read through the next chapter one more time before submitting it. I'm glad you liked the fact that she's blind. I thiought it would be an odd twist to add to a character, especially a main character and it takes her even further away from Mary-Sue, who of course, she does not get along with. The mod that accepted the story told me about Blaise's name being wrong. Oops... I did find it odd he was named after a vaccum cleaner. Well there should be more questions and more intereaction with George and Drucilla in the next chapter. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
plez update. i love the idea... i'm slightly hooked by ur cliff-hanger (twas the point, i bet) but I need some more....
Author's Response: G'day Actually, the point of the cliff hanger is that the chapter was getting to long and I had to spit it... into three! I'm glad you like it and I'll have the next chapter up as soon as possible but unfortunatly I still have a chapter for another story in the queue so I have to wait till it's cleared. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
I love parallel stories, so we can place when/where easily. Looking awesome so far...can't wait to meet "Riddle Jr." :-)
Author's Response: G'day Thanks, I like being able to place the story too. It helps with understanding it all. Well I won't say when you meet Riddle Jr but a very mysterious girl is going to appear soon. LOL ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
I must say that this is a very interesting piece you have here. Although you used a common idea for Voldemort to have a daughter, you made it so much more original with the pairing intended for George. A nice beginning with the peacefulness of night before turning to Harry’s troubled visions. You also stayed true to some elements of the books with Harry seeing through Voldemort and mentions of already occurred events with the Quidditch World Cup. A couple sentences to look at:
three of which - the red-haired three - slept peacefully in their four-poster beds; the fourth however, was not.
This sentence bothered me a bit and I don’t know why. Maybe word it “…in their four-poster beds, while the fourth did not.” I might be wrong and you don’t have to change it, but it’s just a suggestion.
He needed answers or he would never be able to sleep again. “I won’t be able to sleep unless I know…”
Now, you don’t have to change this part so much, but maybe be a little aware of repeating what you have already said. Either have it in the description or the dialogue, but don’t repeat what you have already said in the description in the dialogue and vice versa.
You did a good job with characterization, staying true to many of the qualities from the book and staying true to their characters. Voldemort was done well (even if through Harry’s eyes) with his less-than-human qualities. Also, nicely done with his daughter who could well prove to contain some of her father’s qualities and some humanistic ones as well. This is especially good because most of “Voldemort’s daughter” characters end up being very Mary-Sue, being good and everything, but you’ve brought a change to that cliché (which is something I always love in a story). The one thing I had a bit of a problem with, though, was how everyone seemed to already agree with Harry that it wasn’t a dream and it was a vision. That topic seemed to be touched a lot more during OotP, especially with the return of Voldemort. GoF seemed to concentrate more on the Triwizard Tournament and Death Eaters becoming more a problem later. Other than that, good job.
On the plot, as I’ve already said, you’ve brought something very original. I’m also liking the concept of “Child of the Dark” with not so normal qualities. Also a nice explanation as to why Voldemort has a daughter, instead of the traditional way. I loved how you gave us a glimpse of potential problems with “Riddle Jr”, without giving too much away and giving us a peak of the trio/Weasley’s troubles to come. One thing you could have done, however, was describe a bit more of how canon events in GoF affected what was happening now (i.e. what happened at the QWC and how that affected them). Although, I know this was just an introduction and that it might not have had room for that kind of explanation.
Overall, well done with a great beginning. You have a very promising plot with some very good qualities already. It will be interesting to see where you take this. :)
Author's Response: G'day I'm glad you liked the start. I thought it would show the depths of horror that Harry experiances when in Volder's mind if it started peaceful. And thank you for pointing out the dialogue/ description thing. I didn't even notice I did it. Thanks for saying that Riddle Jr was different from the Mary-sue ones out there. My one fear was making her perfect which she is far from. I know what you mean about interesting twist on a clique. I love those stories and that is one of the reasons I wrote this. Plus I wanted to see how deep I could dolve into the human phycie with someone that was hardly human. I know I didn't add much of what happened in GoF and I knwo they weren't supposed to believe it was real and not just a dream but I couldn't fit the first bit in and the second was crushiul to the plot. (Sorry for spelling mistakes, just woke up and am not thinking properly) Thanks for the review, ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
My, Sandy, that was a wonderful beginning. I liked the description, it was almost poetic.
The breeze weaved its way into the room where four boys slumbered, three of which - the red-haired three - slept peacefully in their four-poster beds; the fourth however, was not.
I like the first part a lot, the breeze weaved its way into the room sounds really beautiful, but the part after that sounds somewhat shaky in my opinion. I think it's because of this part: three of which - the red-haired three. I'm not sure if it's the repetition of three in such a short distance or what, but I think it'd sound better as four boys slumbered, of which the red haired three slept. Also, you use slept first, but then use was not. I think that did not would be more appropriate, because was not seems to warrant a was sleeping before it, and not a slept.
“I am loyal, My Lord. I will serve you well,” said the man before him, looking at the ground, feeling unworthy to look Harry in the face.
I have two qualms about this part. First of all, the more technical problem, my does not need to be capitalised. Secondly, this is apparently from Harry/Voldemort's point of view. Harry's seeing what Voldemort's seeing, and we're seeing that. How does Harry know then what the man is feeling? (feeling unworthy to look Harry in the face)
I felt that Voldemort's speech was a little too forced, it didn't seem completely like Lord Voldemort's way of talking in places, in my opinion. Parts like this just strike me as a bit un-Voldemortish:
The plan will succeed, for my daughter is the main component to the plan and, after all, I went to a lot of extremes to give her the best strength, agility, and overall power. She is a weapon for our side
Voldemort's daughter, however, seems like a really, really very interesting character. For a character to not have love or not know humanity... It's a very interesting concept, and you surely take a different route from all those Voldemort's daughter fics out there, where she's unchangeable good and is completely against Voldemort. I really must applaud you for that. :D She's a very interesting character, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Dumbledore too, for the most part, was done very well. The way he talked and his character was portrayed well, in my opinion, though in one or two places I found him saying things that I wouldn't imagine him saying. But on the whole, I found his and Voldemort's daughter's characterisation really very good.
The concept of how she was... born, for the lack of a better word, was very interesting. I'm very curious to know who her mother was... And why she has humanity in her. The title too, is really very intriguing, and pulled me to the fic.
Really interesting work, Sandy!
Author's Response: G'day, BB, You are a fan of long reviews, aren't you? Not that I'm complaining. I love your reviews. I'm glad you like my story, and my title, I was worried it was uninteresting. Sorry that the first line ends a little shakily though. I've never been good at poetry XD. With Voldemort, I had a lot of trouble with him, I wanted to portray how important his daughter was but it kept coming out as though he cared for her... and this is Voldy we're talking about. The feeling part... well, when you see someone and they are feeling certain emotions, like fear, anger, and happiness for example, you can plainly see it, so I figured Voldy's followers would show that they felt unworthy to look at him. It's nice to hear that you like the way I am portraying Riddle Jr. When writing this story, I thought: what is the best weapon? Is it a gun? A wand? Or the human mind? And I decided the human mind but if Voldy was to have a human weapon, he wouldn't want them to think with their heart, but with their head, so I decided to take the humanity away. Her 'birth' was interesting and in later chapters will be better explained in later chapters. I must admit I'm surprise that you said my characterisation of Dumbledore was done well, seeing as he has gotten me rejected on numerous occasions but I'll take the complement. Thank you for the review and not turning everything italic again. I'll be sure to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...
Hmm very good fic and I'm wondering who Riddle Jr.'s mother is. I'm guessing Bellatrix Lestrange. Are we going to find out??? Two people's DNA being mixed in a cauldron sounds like genetic engineering - intentional??
Either way, great story. I'll be waiting for the next chapter!
Author's Response: G'day I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, her creation was engineered intentionally. You will find out who her mother is soon, but I won't clearly say it for a while. It'll just be obvious. I have a few chapters ready, I just have to get them passed our lovely mods. Thanks for the review. ...xXxLove SandyxXx...