Hi Annmarie! :)
I really like the set up for this story. I think Severus is definitely the kind of person who would make a last ditch attempt to mend his relationship with Lily and then completely ruin it.
The opening is good, though is sets a very light-hearted tone, which I not entirely sure fits the rest of the fic. I really like the description of Snape as he is waiting to give Lily the present. Also, I completely believe that Snape would offer to get rid of Lily’s bad memories of him! I think he would be someone, particularly when he is younger, than would prefer to erase certain parts of his life. I found it a bit strange that Lily was asking Snape if he would let her keep her memories – I think Lily would be more someone who put her foot down and told him she wasn’t interested in getting rid of her memories, so he’ll have to put up with that.
At times Lily comes off as a little immature and childish, given that she is eighteen years old and about to leave school. In particular, calling Snape’s gift ‘puke,’ seems childish, and her being worried about being alone with a boy. That sort of attitude doesn’t seem to fit the Lily we see in the books – in the pensive scene she seems mature and grown up, perhaps overly so.
In the books Snape’s childhood social interactions often seem tainted with humiliation and embarrassment – the first time he meets Lily, his worst memory, and so on. I don’t think you need to put that into your story, but looking back, I find it’s a little odd that I don’t get a sense of Snape being embarrassed or humiliated by his conversation with Lily. He seems to be a person who feels those sorts of emotions very strongly, and I think it would make the story stronger we felt his embarrassment. It would also add something extra to his lashing out at the end if he is reacting to feeling embarrassed or humiliated about the situation.
In the second part, I think Snape’s dad, and his relationship with his parents needs more work. Tobias and Severus both talk about how Tobias is neglectful, sleeping around, and so on, but I think you need to show it a little more. Perhaps Snape could find his father lying around drunk while his mother is sick, or he could hear rumours from someone else about what his father has been up to?
I really like the scene between Snape and Lily in the library. I could really feel the awkwardness from both of them. I liked Lily being reluctant to tell Snape, and then telling Snape not to stare!
There are a few details that stand out. Snape’s mother having tuberculosis seems quite off for the time, as mass vaccinations against it had been around for a decade or two. Also, when Snape goes to the library he mentions looking things up on a computer, which wouldn’t have been around in the 70s.
I did find the use of capitals to add emphasis is kind of off putting to read, particularly in the first part. Personally, I’d use bold or italic tags, and maybe just pick one or two words out of a sentence to emphasise. The writing itself gets across the building anger as the character speaks, so I don’t think you need to put it in capitals.
Overall I think your characterisation of Snape is really good, but I think Lily needs a little more work. I like the story so far and I am looking forward to reading more.
You may like some of my S/L fics. They'll all be posted on my livejournal account.
Author's Response: Hey, I will definitely check that out! And I hope you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading! Roonil_Wazlib125 aka Annmarie
You never told me the next chapter was up :-P! You susprise me this absolutely fantastic. Im fully sucked into this world of Snape. First review of second chapter!
Author's Response: Lol, sorry. It totally slipped my mind. /facepalm Anyways, thanks for the review! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to hear that people are actually enjoying this. :) And the fact that you have been sucked into Snape's world....I feel very proud of my story. Thanks for dropping a review! I'll PM you when the third chapter comes up, I promise. Thanks again! Roonil_Wazlib125 aka Annmarie
I liked the rant... It really showed how many feelings Severus felt during that time. Overall I'd give it a O
Author's Response: Hello fellow 'Claw! Thanks for reading; I was extra excited when I read your PM. I enjoyed writing the rant; I felt a surge of anger and fury which I hope made it believable. And I assume the "O" stands for Outstanding...? If so, yay! Thank you so much! I'll PM you when the next chapter comes because you are my new Claw friend. Roonil_Wazlib125 aka Annmarie
I loved it!! Now I wish they had gotten together... Snape is so awesome...
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad I got people to actually wonder what would have happened if they had gotten together. It's even better that I persuaded some people into giving the ship a chance! And yes, Snape is very awesome. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Look our for the next chapter, which should be coming soon. Roonil_Wazlib125 aka Annmarie
Author's Response: Hey Priz (assuming you are the one who made my fantabulous banner)! Yay, I'm so glad you liked it! Your banner is amazing and I'm so happy that you read the story. And even better, you reviewed! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Look out for the next chapter, which should hopefully be coming soon. Roonil_Wazlb125 aka Annmarie
I loved this story. It's.... amazing.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! It's really great that people actually like my story. I thought at the beginning that it would suck beyong belief, but now...I feel really confident in it. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Roonil_Wazlib125 aka Annmarie