im a little bit confused by the start where Lily looks at a "he" across the lawn. i'm assuming "he" is a stag, but is it a patronus or the animagus form of Severus or James? from the story it seems like the notes are from Severus but (to me) the image of a stag is more of James, while Severus's patronus is a doe. I understand what happens after that though. Overall it's a very good one shot that manages to capture the situation without actually describing it whole, and you did a really good job of conveying Lily's emotions.
Very good! Liked the image of Lily in bed with Severus while he slept. Liked the image of their last fight. Very good character developement.
Your starting was an extremely good one, it hooks readers.
I agree that it was a little rushed and your style of writing is too quick. For example,
(Quote) Marry me, Lils?
Please don’t marry him, Lily.
Make me the happiest guy in the world.
You can’t be with him. Not then, not now, not ever.
I love you.
You’ll never love him.
Forever and always, Lils.
I love you, Lily. (Quote)
When the readers go through this for the first time, I think most of them need to read through it again and the previous sentence, here's another one-
(Quote) She barely noticed the climb down. He might love you, I don’t know. She didn’t bother with the running – she Apparated on the spot – But he’ll never love you like I do – and found herself in her bedroom again. And you’ll never love him like you love me. (Quote)
I didn't understood this at first and had to read through it again, that's one think you shouldn't make a reader do.
There were places also which were very well written-
(Quote) His breath was heavy with sleep and alcohol, but she kissed him, tilting her head into his and pulling at his love for her. He kissed her back, and when she pulled away for air, they moved slightly, kissing a dream girl she would never meet. Her hand glided through his hair, and then she heard it. ‘Lily…’ (Quote)
It's good that you mention about the alcohol otherwise it would have been wierd why he didn't wake up.
Over all your story was good, loved your concept and couldn't find any spelling mistakes so keep it up.
Interesting. The first thing that I notice is this story hooks me in from the very beginning. At first I was confused as to why James couldn’t see her without the dress on, but then I realized that they must be getting married the next day, and it all made sense.
Overall, though, very intriguing. I love the relationship you show between Severus and Lily, it broke my heart to see her loving him also, but not being able to be with him as she was getting married the next day. I do believe that it is possible she loved him, and this is a good way of portraying it. Though, I am confused about something, why did she run to his house? Wouldn’t it have just been easier to Apparate there? Or was there a special reason why she had to run?
The emotions and overall grasp you have on your characters is amazing.
The only thing I would say is slow down the beginning, just a tad. It’s a bit rushed, and would be better if you slowed it down a little. Maybe add some more description of the room she was in, or what was around her as she ran.
Other than that, great job!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! The way I see it, running was her way of running off her emotions - plus it added a little something to the story. Just apparating into his house wouldn't have been nearly as interesting, nor nearly as fulfilling for her. As for slowing down - I see your point, but it seemed as though the focus of the story should be on her and Severus, rather than on her room or what's around her. I definitely see your point though. Thanks again for reviewing!
*wipes away tears*
Reading the story, I sense sadness and melancholy. There isn't any particular phrase, but rather the mood you manage to convey. Thumbs up.
*wipes away another tear*
Author's Response: That's what I was going for - Thanks for reviewing!
This is a cute story and one of the only only ones that make me feel bad for Severus.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
that was so sweet! I love it. It's kinda heart-breaking too. I feel bad for severus. Poor guy. =(
Author's Response: I feel badly for Severus, as well. Thanks for reviewing!