Still reading your story. Very interesting.
Awesome chapter. Kinda short, though.
Quick Question: Why'd the doctor dude let Reagan out of the strait jacket? Didn't he know that would be dangerous?
Author's Response: She seemed as though she could control herself and wouldn't need it. Besides, a person can't stay in one too long; the way the jacket is set up causes blood to pool in the elbows which then causes swelling and numbness.
I do hope someone is observing the Dr. and the patient.
Author's Response: As it is a state hospital, while some isolation rooms do come with windows or surveillance monitors in these hospitals, not all of them have enough staff to have someone observe the room 24/7.
Hello again :)
You continue to hold my interest throughout this chapter, and I love the amount of detail you provide. It really shows your connection to the story and your research skills. These are wonderful things to have as an author.
While I do love learning about DID in your fic, I found that the way you wrote out the facts removed me a little from the story, in that they were just written our facts that weren't blended very well into the narrative. I think instead of plainly saying Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a psychological disorder... etc, to continue the flow of the story, you could have had it read something like "Dr. Brennan knew that Dissociative Identity Disorder was psychological, and that it ..." and then go on to say what you've already said, but wording it from Dr. Brennan's perspective. This way, the facts becomes more personal, because I felt that I was perhaps reading a written report during these parts, rather than a story.
I love your reference to Sybil, and the way you explained in the End Note who she is worked well for that, and allowed the reference to blend into the story without need for explanation within the dialogue or narrative. I think this would work well for the other parts I've mentioned too.
There are a few technical errors running through this that could be smoothed over by a beta. The recurring mistake that I found was the absence of a comma in dialogue that addresses some one. For example: “Hey Nathan, I need to talk about a patient,”. A comma needs to appear after "Hey" because Nathan is being addressed. This appeared in other aspects of the fic too. This is just for future writing's sake though :)
I have a feeling you'll be introducing more elements of the magical world into this fic fairly soon, because otherwise I fear you're forgetting this is Harry Potter fan fiction. While I love these Muggle characters and their knowledge of the disorder, a magical perspective would be lovely to see. Or at least more magical detail!
These things aside, you're shaping the beginning of a very interesting fic here. Congratulations on that, and update soon :)
Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review Cassie, Part of what encouraged me to keep writing one day was the thought of a review from you. :)
I know my commas are awful. I try my best.
Not to sound narcissistic, I was pretty pleased with the paragraph I wrote on DID in this chapter although I see where you're coming from.
My next few chapters do have more references to a magical world, and I'm planning to build up these references so there are more and more in each chapter.
Thanks again for R&Ring! ~Twitchy
Very interesting chapter, once again. I loved finding out that little bit more about this girl and her multiple personalities.
The only problem I have with this story is that the chapters are extremely short; you only give your readers little snippets of the story in one go. I feel that is disrupts our learning about the characters. This is about the only flaw, however.
I enjoyed the first little hint at the magical world in this chapter, by mentioning squibs. I find myself wondering if all her personalities are connected to the wizarding world, or if some have pushed that aside and are entirely non-magical? I guess I'll have to wait and see.
You're throwing at us these very dark concepts, such as Regan being extremely violent and smashing a girl's head at the wall. It's confronting, but handled well enough that it doesn't overwhelm the reader. So great job on a really interesting way of writing those darker themes.
This woman you're presenting now, Meredith, is strikingly well-developed, given that there have only been two short chapters on her. I feel a bit of a connection to her already, and am shocked by her attitude towards emotional/physical abuse. She's got a story that I'd love to hear.
The most part of this chapter is dialogue, and, not that the dialogue is bad at all, I feel that longer chapters could allow you to do more. Of course you don't have to do this - I quite enjoy a quick read - but I do feel there could be just that little bit more included to help readers connect more with the story.
Overall, a really well developed character in an intriguing story. Keep up the great work. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I am working on writing longer chapters. Meredith is usually the alter that in cases of MPD I find is most sad because it is the part of the person that believes that the abuse is their fault. Regan is the part that is created to deal with the anger, to keep the body from continuing to get hurt, and to kill the abuser. I have now got a beta *yay*!
Once again, woooooooow...Great chapter. Update soon!
Author's Response: Thank you! :D
Woooooooooooowwwww.......the plot thickens, huh? This is going on my favorites.
Author's Response: Thank you for adding me to your favorites! :D
Woooooooooow.......this is fascinating. This story is intriguiging, (spelling?) original, and fabulously well written. And, judging by your author's notes, you've obviously done your research.
Author's Response: Intriguing is the correct spelling. Thank you very much for the review.
Hello. What an interesting story you've got here. A complex theme, too. I'm very interested to see where you take this.
Your summary, of course, ensures us that you'll bring the magical world into the story. It's very interesting that you chose not to give any hints of magic in this first chapter; it gives the story a sense of mystery. I'm desperate to know where she came from and what brought her to be like this.
You seem to be handelling the complex situation very well, and it's good to know that you've done extensive research. That's what made me so intrigued in the first place; I could tell that I was going to be reading a story that was well-developed and complex. And that is what I found as I made my way through the piece as well. So well done on making a very impressive start to the story!
You hook us in instantly with this character, or characters, so it seems. I like that you presented the facts first, giving your reader a nice, simple introduction, and then hopped right into giving a little bit more.
She reminded the doctor of Japanese spirits that after death, came back to seek vengeance, appearing with long hair over their faces. I love this imagery. It's haunting, and makes me eager to learn more about this character, despite her scaring me slightly.
The switch in personalities in this first chapter was great; its suddenness allowed me to realise that this is what the rest of the story will be like: sudden changes in character, erratic and interesting and layered. I love it, personally.
I like your choice to view this from the doctor's perspective; the woman's POV would have been almost impossible for readers to grasp. With him, we've got the medical perspective that's always interesting and thought-provoking. We get to see details about her. So excellent choice.
The only problem I found was in this: Through her curtain of hair, her equally dark eyes were visible; staring with slight suspicion, but mostly, her expression was simply enigmatic. It doesn't seem to flow as nicely as everything else. I think it could be worded slightly differently to improve the sentence flow.
Also, having all that information in the summary is unnecessary. You should put it in the Story Note or Chapter Note, so that potential readers aren't overwhelmed.
Overall, a really nice opening to what I can tell will be a very interesting story. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a thorough review, it is very helpful and I enjoyed reading it.
I will fix that transition; it does look choppy now that I reread it.
As for the woman's POV being difficult to grasp, the only book I have read that was from the perspective of the dissociative was "A Fractured Mind" part of which was based off of the doctor's notes.
Don't hesitate to keep reading; chapter 3 is in the queue and I have started on 4. Thanks again for R&Ring! :D
good conversation. believable so far.
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
this is really really interesting!
i'm excited to see how it pans out :)
Author's Response: Thanks, chapter 2 is now up and I am almost done with 3.
An unusual premise. Hope you can update soon.
Author's Response: I have just submitted chapter 2. Thanks for reading.
Wow that was kinda confusing, but very interesting and i really want to find out what happens next! Your writing style is very good and i loved reading this chapter! i'm guessing that Dr. brennan is a muggle and this Meredith character is a which. am i right? keep riting! BTW my last name is Brennan! :D
Author's Response: Cool about the last name. I I started off writing this with a female therapist, but then I felt it was a bit too much like Sybil. Yes, Dr. Brennan is a Muggle.