I really appreciated your decision to try and do something different in fanfic. It’s always a challenge to step outside of your comfort zone; sometimes you miss the mark, sometimes you hit it. In this case, I think there were some really strong points to this fic as well as some weaker parts.
The decision to not use dialogue was interesting. I think it helped establish a very character driven, internally motivated story. The entire piece is driven by the character and her memories, but the lack of dialogue or shorter paragraphs really makes the fic into one long narrative. What maybe could have helped this piece work a little bit better would have been to employ more of a stream of consciousness type of narrative that incorporated more abrupt thoughts so that the reader could really feel what the character was thinking. Since the fic was in first person, breaking up the long, narrative first part of the story would be fairly easy, and this would help to engage the reader in the fic a bit more.
I think the best part of this story was how you captured the maturity level of a young teen. The thoughts weren’t overly complicated, and you focused solely on what the character was thinking and feeling. The simple sentence structure helped to define the character, but at the same time, it also hurt the fic a bit because it made the story feel very long and slow. The narrative actually started to feel like a reading an eleven year old’s diary, and maybe if you had this fic as a diary entry, it would make a bit more sense.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading, and I'm glad you pointed that out for me. The idea of not using dialogue actually came towards the end, when I realized I hadn't used any yet and for the rest, it wasn't completely necessary (though to avoid making it into a very long narrative, it probably would have helped). I'm glad you mentioned the characterization of the girl; I had been worried about that. Again, thank you so much for reading and reviewing. :)
I don't criticize perfectly told stories. This, of course, is one of those.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading. I'm glad you liked this and thank you for telling me that. :)
OMH, Mercy, this story is awesome! I'll give it an infinity out of ten! This story was so touching, and the reactions of the characters are understandable even without the dialogues. You did a superb job with this. Awesome.-------Nadia
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it and yes, I loved how it didn't have any formal dialogue. I was writing it and realized that I didn't need it. Thank you again for reading and reviewing. :)
I liked this story. I know this was only a one shot, but inquiring minds would want to know how her schooling went. Will she continue to think that her dad's spirit is in the Thestral?
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading! As for her schooling, she had a much better time there and she eventually came to the conclusion that the thestral was actually a thestral and not her father. Although, she still feels a connection to her father through him. Thanks again for reading and reviewing! :)