MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
fg_weasley (Anonymous) · Date:
07/31/09 2:26 · For:
Snow After Fire
Hello Minna! I can’t believe this story has no reviews yet, so I have come to remedy that.
I love your beginning. The first sentence is a good, lighthearted way to draw the reader into your story. I like that there was somewhat of an amusing tone to the first two sentences, but it also gives the reader of a bit of insight into the narrator right from the beginning. It’s a nice hook and a good note on which to start your fic.
Through the rest of the fic, this tone does not falter, nor does the voice of your narrator, Rose Weasley. I find that first person narration is often good for character development, because it’s the best point-of-view to really give your character his or her own voice and the sense of personality can be very strong. You have definitely utilized that here. I felt like there were a lot of traits in her that I think she might have gotten from her family members, and I really liked that you did that with her. It was well done. I wouldn’t have thought that Rose Weasley would be a dragon tamer, mostly because all other times I have read her, her personality has been different. Your Rose, however, was very believable and, I thought felt very much like a Weasley – particularly Charlie. I just got that sense from her, and she reminded me most of him. I assume this was intentional, and I think it was a nice touch because it made her in this situations that much more believable.
I do think, however, that after that your intro sort of loses the reader in all the explaining that follows the first paragraph. Granted, of course, it’s all information that probably need be known, but at the same time, it’s rather a lot to take in the way its written a few large paragraphs. It also does give your character a bit more dimension in the way she adds little things and the way she talks, but I think even that is outweighed by the fact that, as the reader, I really just felt myself going through the paces of those paragraphs before it got to the action. Perhaps you could have trimmed those down so that all the need-to-know information was not so fluffed. Or, instead of Rose telling a lot of it, it could have been shown to the reader – for instance, you might have included an actual letter from Charlie or, better yet, a letter to Charlie from Rose as if she were telling him all this. She could be telling him about her first day there or even her first few weeks, and that way the reader could get all the information while also seeing the connection between Rose and Charlie. I think that would have made the read a little more exciting and you could have made it shorter without really loosing the information or the character points for Rose.
Also, just on a general note, you might consider splitting a few of your larger paragraphs. There were a few throughout the fic that I thought could be split in places so they don’t look so large and intimidating. Shorter paragraphs, I find, are a lot less daunting to a reader. Not only that, but it just makes your fic look and read better.
I know they don’t usually hold out, but they should hold ‘em off till I can get a team of veterinarians in here.
Now, this is rather small, but as it was noted several times throughout the fic, I thought I should mention it. I have a bit of trouble with the word ‘veterinarian’; it seems like something that would solely be a Muggle term – for instance, wizard ‘doctors’ are called ‘Healers’, and I would think that the same would apply for ones that deal with animals rather than humans. At the very least, they might be called ‘Magical Creature Healers’, I would think. When I see the word ‘veterinarian’ I automatically think Muggle, and thereby Muggle animals like dogs and cats, not wizards and magical creatures such as dragons. It just made the scenario feel slightly less magical, because it felt like they had a foot in the Muggle world that didn’t belong there.
The ending I think I enjoyed the most. I had wondered why you named the fic Snow After Fire and I liked finding out that there were two reasons – the obvious surface answer as well as the metaphorical one. The last line was a really nice touch that I think really added to the fic as a whole. Overall, I think it turned into an enjoyable piece of writing, and the action that followed those opening paragraphs certainly kept me captivated! Nicely done, dear.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful review. I meant to do an equally long and thoughtful reply, but I'm extremely tired/braindead right now so I'm just going to do a few points. 1) It's good to know my Rose makes sense to others. It's kind of just how I see her - she's definitely got lots of spunk, no matter how I spin her. 2) -groan- I rambled and explained so much in this. xD I really should go through and edit it sometime, if I can bring myself to cut any out. x.x 3) Your point about the word "veterinarians" is extremely valid. I think at that point I just couldn't think what to call them besides that - and while "Magical Creature Healers" is a bit of a mouthful, I may end up stealing that and changing all "veterinarians" to that. 4) Also good to know the ending wasn't extremely stupid. That was one of the bits of this story I was most insecure about. 5) Thanks again for the wonderful review. =)