MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
07/25/09 11:07 · For:
A Thief Disciplined
Excellent story so far, spike312! I especially like your portrayal of Aberforth, it's spot on with how I imagined him. Your other characters are very good too, especially with little windows onto characters like when Gellert is abruptly woken up. It makes them much more believable, that even the great future Grindelwald can say 'mfgh?' like the rest of us! :) I look forward to the rest of the story!
(Signed) · Date:
06/29/09 11:00 · For:
A Letter in the Night
First off might I say that it is rather ambiguous to write this tale, and I admire you for giving it a go. :D Secondly, while your summary tells us what the story is about, it seems to be lacking something. What about the tale of these two? What are we going to read about? The summary is supposed to draw the readers in, and while this one definitely catches your attention, I wouldn’t say that it draws your attention in all the way.
Here is one quick nitpick:
Another, lighter envelope
Add another comma after lighter.
Now, for your plot. I think it is interesting all of the secrets that they are keeping from the world, but then again we all know they have a lot of enemies. I like the idea of charming the envelopes, but if they had the ability to do that, why didn’t other witches and wizards use it? Was it something that only a few know, or did the two of them make it up themselves, perhaps? Just something to think about, for it confused me. It would have been very useful in the wars, but yet we see no mention of it. Unless there is something I missed.
I love the younger Dumbledore that we see here. He is a bit foolish when it comes to the three items (for the life of me I can’t remember what they are called together right now), but we know that he lost his head over them a bit. He wanted them badly, but he didn’t deserve them for he definitely didn’t have a right use that he wanted them for.
Great work and I’ll definitely continue reading this story!
mzap (Anonymous) · Date:
06/25/09 8:46 · For:
A Letter in the Night
Very interesting story you have here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen/read a story concerning Albus and Gellert working for “The Greater Good”. You have a great start as you introduce the scene, describing subtle actions before closing in on Gellert. I also liked the mention of how frequently the two sent letters to each other, and how even then the letters were very long. It was very good how you brought up how Gellert and Albus are a bit of outcasts for their own reasons, though it is very clear that Gellert is the darker minded one. The subtle details were great, each showing a bit more character than what is originally seen. I especially loved the mention of the Deathly Hallows as the seal to the letters and how Gellert had the letter float in front for him to read. Also the changing of the letter “A” to the Hallows symbol was very ingenious.
Godric’s Hollow was silent as death.
I think there needs to be an “as” between “was” and “silent” during this simile.
All of them, like dogs that bit their masters and were rewarded and protected for doing it.
I don’t know if I missed it, but I don’t seem to understand what you mean here. At first you are talking about women trying to catch Gellert’s eye, then “subordinates” doing the same, and then transition into this. You might want to make yourself clearer here, but that’s your decision.
In terms of characterization, you do a very good job. It can be easily seen how similar Voldemort and Gellert are. Both of them, finding others to be subordinate, their disinterest in woman/love, and their violent ambitions to do whatever it takes to control. You also did a good job with Albus being a little more hesitant to be violent, but with the same ambition to take over. However, there was one flaw in your characterization:
The Cloak would be useful in hiding the girl under as we travel. With this we can perhaps even use the girl against our enemies. Her magic is most powerful, even if it is uncontrollable. Think of what a weapon she will make against the subordinates.
Although it is very likely that Albus and Gellert would have hidden Ariana under the Cloak, I highly doubt that Albus would have wanted to use her as a weapon. The impression I had from the books is that the boys mainly ignored her, more concerned with working for “The Greater Good”. In their own twisted way, they wanted to make a “better” world and abusing the magic of a young girl is not something I imagine Albus doing (even in his younger days); Gellert possibly though. I could imagine him saying this, rather than Albus because Albus has the familial connection (whether he acknowledges it or not) while Gellert doesn’t.
However, with Albus, I still think you did justice. There is a lot to be said in which Hallows are preferable and given the character Albus was then, I think he definitely would have chosen to find the items in that order. I can hear the enthusiasm Albus has for all of this, also very well done.
On plot, you have also done a great job. This is a well written start to a story that has great potential. Though this is a bit short, you put your message across very well of where you want to go with the story. The fact that this is from the perspective of Gellert should make it all the more interesting. With Gellert, you have the chance of seeing a darker side of the story, instead of the route most likely to be taken, with Albus at the forefront and deciding that everything being done is wrong (showing his kinder nature here).
Very well done, and it should be interesting to see where you take this.