MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
06/06/09 16:23 · For:
First let me take a moment to say congrats on finishing your story for the mini gauntlet. Now, I shall move on to the story itself. First here are some mistakes I caught while reading your fic.
no would we?”
Should be “now would we?”
The stream made her change her direction, because she didn’t fancy falling into the water. Navigating the stones that lined the banks of the stream slowed her down dramatically. She really didn’t want to sprain an ankle where there was no one around to help her. There were a few healing charms she knew,
I would change on of the didn’t-s. It seems a bit repetitive to have two so close together. Not only are they in the same paragraph, but they are only separated by a sentence…Just a suggestion, though.
After about 30 minutes
All numbers under a hundred should be written out, so it should be: thirty minutes.
She watched entranced as the younger dragon landed.
There should be a comma after watched and another comma after entranced.
The first thing I noticed while reading this fic was the beginning. I think that maybe it would have been better to expand upon the beginning a bit more, for it seems like you’re just telling us things, and I think it would have been better if you had shown us, instead of just talking about it.
Secondly, I must say that I really enjoy this story. It is interesting to read about Tonks being near dragons because I can’t really picture her there…She’s clumsy so I thought that it would have been the place she wouldn’t want to go, but the way you have her there partly because of Charlie, it helps me believe her being there.
As for the plot itself, it doesn’t really seem connected to me. The visit from Hagrid seems a bit random, and I think that if you had added something more about him and Tonks and Charlie meeting together again towards the end of the fic it might have made more sense…
Characterization…I rather like your characterization, though I think that Tonks might be slightly off. Some parts don’t feel like something she would say or do, but rather what anyone else would do. I find it easier if I try to think like the character I’m writing, personally, but that’s just me. I like your Tonks, but it just seems off…I can’t really pinpoint it exactly…
Once again, I really like this story and great job.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a great review. I will try to incorporate a few of your suggestions into the story and fix the few things you suggested. It is always nice to get some fresh eyes reading over a story and getting other people's insights. :) I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. I have written many stories with Tonks, and this one keeps consistent for how she has developed in my mind. I will try to read through and see if I see anything to make it seem more like her, though I think she has taken off in my head to be like I wrote her here. :) Cyns