Wow. Molly, I was gripped right from the first sentence. When I came to the world Peru I was a bit put off, but the incident is so well described, subtly and masterfully included the broader context. The point-of-view is consistent and steady, and it keeps everything together. The story flew smoothly through the end.
There are some typos throughout the text which somewhat distract the flow, which are;
"Yes, the girl had encountered a particularly.."
"He had never seen feet he would describe as beautiful..."
"Whether the girl believed Gilderoy to be a reporter..."
"When he led her back to the village..."
"Actually, the man had never known anyone..."
It's like some of the letters have gone missing.
I very much enjoyed this story; it's concise, focused and definitely interesting as a case study about a side-character.
(I hope I don't mess up the formatting; I got very rusty at leaving reviews..)
Author's Response: Well, I'll have to fix the typos right away! I luvs your reviews!
AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...................................................................i love this! it's so sad...and there aren't a lot of fics about Lockhart...i take it he's a favorite character of yours?
Author's Response: Actually, this was a fic I wrote for the Ravenclaw Almost-Gauntlet, and my character was Gilderoy Lockhart. And while I wouldn't say he is my favorite character, he's a lot of fun to write. You just CAN'T go too over the top!
Your choice to write a fic about such an unlikable character made me so curious that I had to read it. First of all, Lockheart’s vanity is definitely intact throughout the first part of this piece. He doesn’t go out of character, and in the last section, you manage to make him likable because he does show that he feels guilty about accidentally killing this girl. I like how you have Lockheart focusing so much on how the girl looks and used to look because appearances are very important to him. I liked this line:
To lose her beauty, her face, her identity, it had probably been an act of mercy, what he had done.
It’s so in character for Lockheart to consider getting disfigured to mean the same as losing one’s identity. Given the choice, I think Lockheart probably would have preferred to lose his memory rather than become scarred, and I like how you brought out his vanity in very subtle ways. The ending part of this fic was very powerful because it’s ironic and bitterly sad. It brings to mind the idea of karma, and I think you accomplished a ‘full circle’ affect very well between both of these scenes.
Author's Response: Wow, what a wonderful review! Thank you so much!
I really liked the plot of this story, it was a cleverly thought out missing moment, and I think you wrote it very well. I liked your use of flashbacks as well, and think this definitely brought more feeling into the story. I think you captured the essence of Lockhart perfectly, and I think how the first bit was written without direct speech really brought an extra element to the story. However, there was one bit I found that had me a bit confused. When does the girl fall over the cliff? You say: “falling at least five feet away from the cliff.” Now after re-reading this a few times, I think you mean, “Falling at least five feet over the cliff”? To me when I first read this, I read it as she fell near to the cliff, not over. I think a small change would make this a lot clearer.
Lockhart’s characterisation was excellent. In the original books, you don’t find out about Lockhart's secret until the very end, and so you don’t get much time to get a feeling of remorse for what he had done. I think they way you described his feelings was perfect, exactly how I think he would have really felt. The way you said things like, “probably done the girl a tremendous favour” really brought out the Lockhart we meet in the books. The way you worded certain bits like, “It was not as though he had come to Peru with such horrid intentions” really shows that Lockhart feels remorse for what he has done, and is trying to justify it to himself. His character was really well written, well done.
Certain words and phrases you used, like, “screaming in rapid Spanish” really added feeling to the story, but I did find a few small mistakes; “tremendous favor” I think you mean “favour” Favor is the american spelling I beleive. Also “She retailed her encounter in careful, schoolgirl English.” “Retailed”, should be “Retold”
Lockhart’s characterisation in the second part equalled the Lockhart in the first. I loved how you had him suddenly remembering and feeling guilty for crimes he had committed before he lost his memory. The way the healer treated it was also realistic, and it almost made you feel sorry for Lockhart, although he had committed a dreadful crime - he does feel remorse for it.
A very well written story, and although short, it had a very good plot.
Author's Response: Wow, what a lovely review! Thank you so much, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Was this for the reviewing class?
This story was wonderfully written, Molly. I've never really had a liking to Dark fanfics, but I thought I'd try it out and enjoyed it. I liked how it was centered around Lockhart, I haven't seen too many fics about him and it was nice to read about what actually could have happened to him, even if it was a tragic moment.
I like how you started the story off with the result of his encounter and then going into the actual story. It left suspense as to what had happened. There was also some really good imagery in here, especially the part when the girl falls,
"The scarves continued to flutter in the wind, even after the girl crashed against the surface of the water."
I could see it happening and even hear the impact of her body on the water. I also like the characterization of the woman, she was sort of secondary in the story but you gave her an entire life in some short words.
There were some spelling mistakes, and a 'T' that had been stood up by an 'O'. The ending was also very nice, I wasn't too sure if it would turn out while I was reading it (I rather liked where it ended before the hospital) but I liked the irony. I don't think you had to include the last sentance, the irony was obvious and it could have been more effective ending with the girls smiling.
I really liked this, good job, Molly!
Author's Response: I'm really glad you liked the story. I'm also not one to write D/A stories, but I really liked this story as well.