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Name: cassie123 (Signed) · Date: 06/30/09 23:19 · For: Every Foolish Dream
Hello, SPEW Buddy!

I’m intrigued by this pairing. Obviously it’s rarely explored, probably because Lily’s the older girl. It’s interesting that you’ve written her to still lust after Regulus even after he called her a name. I personally think she’d rather ignore this young boy who has called her names than entertain an interest in him. But the concept was interesting, nonetheless.

I think you wrote Regulus in a fairly unique way. It would have been easier to simply have him fall for Lily too, but you tried a different route which, I believe, is far more realistic. The only thing that’s slightly strange about your characterisation of him is: “People like you and people like me … We just … We don’t. That’s all there is to it.” He seems to be stuttering and is slightly lost for words. This is odd as you’ve written him as if he’s already considered his words. The ellipses and pauses in sentence seem out of place, considering how calm and unperturbed he seems as he says “They say you’re smart, Evans, but I’m inclined to disagree.” etc.

Your use of present tense worked well in most aspects of the story, however at times I felt I couldn’t connect with the piece simply because of tense, and maybe the perspective. I think, had you chosen to use first person, readers could have been drawn in more with the story. Most of the time the style was successful, but at times it did seem a little forced.

For example: A voice in her head says she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she could already tell that he wasn’t here, but she tells that voice to shut up. You’ve got ‘could’ and ‘wasn’t’ in there, which disallows sentence flow. Perhaps this could be fixed to be something like A voice in her head tells her that she hasn’t been looking for Regulus because she assumes he isn’t even here, but she tells that voice to shut up.

There were several moments like this throughout the story when I felt your tense was slightly off. As if you’re not considering when things are really happening, but writing them anyway. Perhaps it’s just a personal thing, but it did prevent me from connecting with your story, unfortunately.

You do provide some nice little descriptions throughout this which I appreciated. There are pixies flitting around above their heads to provide some ambient light, and there are glittery, whispy curtains of spider web hanging from the ceiling. I really like this; it gives the reader a lovely setting to picture the characters in. Also, you’ve misspelled wispy.


glares glaring at his parchment Do you mean eyes glaring?

That’s about one of the only similarityies between them This should be similarities.

(But she knows she can’t hide a gasp, only pretend that she didn’t.) This sentence is awkward. I think it should be But she knows she can’t hide a gasp; she can only pretend that she didn’t.

(She didn’t dress up like this for Regulus,; of course she didn’t. You’ve used both a comma and a semicolon. I think it should be a dash rather than either of those.

He’s James has been acting strange all evening, looking at her in a way that is confusing. You need to delete either He’s or James has.

because he wasn’t important anyway. This should be isn’t if you want to keep tense consistent.

These are just really minor, insignificant mistakes that could be prevented by the use of a beta, or your own second read-through.

Overall, you’ve written a really interesting take on an undiscovered pairing. I’d love to see further exploration of Lily/Regulus from you. Although I think I prefer the way you’ve written it in this; a proper relationship between them is pretty unrealistic.

- Cassie

Name: ron lover (Signed) · Date: 06/08/09 10:24 · For: Every Foolish Dream
I like how you madde Regulas not there for most of the story, but then he talks to her. Its a very good story and I like it.

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 05/28/09 16:55 · For: Every Foolish Dream
In response to your author's note, I wanted to simply say up front that I am of the "Regulus loves Lily and in rejecting her he rejects himself" school of thought. Ahem. Glad that's cleared up.

So, yes. The opening lines of this fic are just perfect. There isn't really an objective way to say how or why, but I'm a big fan of introductions that pull the reader in so quickly, and which aren't descriptions of the setting or the weather. Not that I have anything against those introductions, it's just often very hard to find that perfect place to just grasp the beginning of the story, and you did it very well here.

It also provides excellent imagery; I can see the whole scene of Lily setting his quill on fire and then, rather horrified and embarrassed at her mistake, trying to rectify the error. It fits her character very well – not that I think Lily Evans accidentally set fire to things often – but if she were to make a mistake and be embarrassed over it, this is just how it would happen.

Another note on the opening sequence; it's a great way to connect the reader to Lily. Almost everyone, from the most to the least easily embarrassed, understands what it's like to make an embarrassing mistake and want to disappear to said "friendly distraction". And on top letting the reader sympathise with Lily, you've also done a fantastic job of – right off the bat – showing that Lily Evans is not/was not perfect. Thank you. So much. If anybody tells you that it's out of character for Lily to even have imagined setting fire to Sirius Black's quill in the library, just, well - I can absolutely see her doing that. Slughorn said she was cheeky.

The next part of the story definitely emphasises the real, human side of Lily, and it brings her into 'crush" territory. I like how honestly you portrayed the little habits of someone with developing crush. But that it was simple – not over-the-top. As with the earlier embarrassment, this connects the reader so easily to Lily. I mean, haven't most people let their eyes wander over to someone often enough to hope nobody else notices?

I also like how you coupled Lily's attentiveness to details about Regulus alongside informing the reader about Regulus, and who he is at this point. It fed very well into the flow of the story.

Which leads me to your depiction of Regulus. I do really love how you drop any hints of him being a good guy deep down, just a little confused and overeager to please his family. I mean, I know that is how is regarded, and is a very accurate depiction. But it's refreshing to see him depicted purely as he would have been seen by others at the time, because nobody ever guessed what happened to Regulus in the end, he was a complete mystery, and it makes sense that Lily, from afar, would see him the way Sirius described him in canon.

The third sequence has more of that exceptionally efficient narration I mentioned in the second sequence – you show the passage of time, the development of Lily's feelings, and at once show her reluctance to have those feelings. Just in one fluid paragraph where everything fits together. "Show not tell" is, to me, something more writers should learn to do, and it's something you have mastered. Instead of saying "Time passed, Lily's attraction grew stronger, but it was an unwelcome attraction", you just … painted it with words, and whether the reader consciously registers those statements or not, they still feel it. Love.

Your use of "dim to dark" was an excellent metaphor. Pairings like these are often questioned by people, but with those few lines, you really clarified without a doubt what would attract someone like Lily to someone with Regulus' image. And, again, it's such a real life thing, being attracted to the wrong people for strange, hard-to-define reasons. More human!Lily – fabulous.

The touch of Slughorn spiking the punch amuses me; not the act itself, I take a very Hermione-like disapproval to the act itself. Tsk, tsk. But your addition of it into the fic is very nice – among many other little touches that make this story so delicious to read.

Some of those other little touches – at the end, the fact that the corridor is "dim", "not that she could have seen him anyway." And that you also use the word "dim" in relation to the ache in her heart. Um, yes, that was just wonderful linking in to the metaphor.

When I originally commented on the story, I said I was blown away at how "absent" Regulus was. Up until the end, he's far-away, two-dimensional, and in the last scene, he just – I think I used the word "explodes" – yes, he explodes into the story with such force. Your author's note says it can take different interpretations, but I clarified which one it is I'm taking, and I think that what you manage to say in the end, without saying it – without barely hinting it – is phenomenal storytelling.

This is just such a direct story. Yes, there's emotion, and it has wonderful little touches throughout, but as a whole, it doesn't beat around the bush. It's so simply and beautifully structured, and that really adds to the whole delivery in the end. It's not something every author can do. Often a fic like this might seem to have a rushed flow, or not enough development, but this is just right. I would definitely like to see more of these kind of one-shots from you.

Name: The_Dream_Team (Signed) · Date: 05/27/09 6:48 · For: Every Foolish Dream
waoh that was intense! it was also unexpected... i liked it though! great work and i really enjoy your writing style!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it. Thanks for reading and responding.

Name: The_Dream_Team (Signed) · Date: 05/27/09 6:46 · For: Every Foolish Dream
waoh that was intense! it was also unexpected... i liked it though! great work and i really enjoy your writing style!

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