MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: BrokenPromise (Signed) · Date: 03/27/12 21:26 · For: In the Stillness of Night
Never really read much about Scorpius/Lily out of Hogwarts. That was quite a different take on Lily and yet just as believable as any other.

Name: the opaleye (Signed) · Date: 11/15/09 17:41 · For: In the Stillness of Night
Amazing. I hardly ever read Next Gen but this was...I don't know how to describe it. It's just amazing.

Name: ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor (Signed) · Date: 10/08/09 0:26 · For: In the Stillness of Night
The first to second person concept is a fascinating choice. It seems like something that she was writing to him, or maybe she's telling him a story. I somehow never pictured Lily to be the noncommittal one, that role being more suited to Scorpius, but you make it work.

Running into the friend was a good touch, because sometimes our friends worm things out of us that we're too scared to even tell ourselves, and it was good for her.

Nicely done, as usual.

Name: Miss Undaztood Black (Signed) · Date: 08/27/09 3:38 · For: In the Stillness of Night
Generally, I read Marauderer Era fics. I don't tend to like Next Gen fics at all. But when I spotted your story, the summary intruiged me, so I thought I would give it a go. It's now one of my favourite stories.
I must admit, some of the sentences did throw me off a bit, but these have been pointed out in previous reviews, and there was a bit of an issue with formal/informal.
Apart from these minor things, your characterization was excellent, so real and the PoV only strengthened the connection with Lily.

Name: electronicquillster (Signed) · Date: 07/01/09 3:15 · For: In the Stillness of Night
For the most part, this story flows along in narrative quite nicely, but there are just a handful of places where it’s a little stilted. In the first sentence, you use the word ‘form’ which felt a little awkward, as it’s first person narrative and most people don’t use the word ‘form’ when speaking in terms of themselves. This sentence was a little confusing: I am only prepared for an empty day and little plans for those in the future. It’s like you had been thinking of ending the sentence in one way, but then it turned into something else that didn’t connect with the first part. And in the next paragraph, you use the term ‘tagging along’ which is such an informal word choice when put into contrast with the rest of the paragraph where the language is largely formal, with a very precise tone that is thrown off for a second by the casual term.

I actually found that there were quite a few times throughout the fic where you crossed into the territory of being too formal and then going back to being too casual. I would just suggest maybe looking over the fic again and spreading the tone out evenly through the whole thing.

The dynamic you created between the two lovers was a very interesting one to read indeed. It was very well developed, and the internal struggle was believable. I felt Lily kind of broke down into her smiling confession at the end rather suddenly, but the rest of the development was very will plotted and presented. I must admit, though, that the characterization of Lily and Scorpius’s respective characters here is so very atypical that it threw me for a loop. It’s almost refreshing to have this different take on them. That’s what’s nice about so many of these Next-Generation characters. There is a framework of where they fit into family trees and things, and we can surmise about how they will probably act based on how their parents probably raised them, but the characters are still almost complete mysteries available for sculpting and tailoring for any fanfic author, so long as it’s done in a manner that is believable.

Author's Response: Thanks, Mar :) I hadn't thought about the formal/informal language thing. It's not something I usually consider when writing. I do think it's definitely something I should take into account when doing first person from now on, so thanks for pointing it out! It's good to learn from constructive citicism. It's interesting that you describe their characters as 'atypical' in this, as I hadn't really been trying to radically alter them from the norm. So thanks for paying my characterisation such close detail! The line you mentioned that confused you: I understand what you mean. It means she has little plans for the days in the future, but I didn't word it that way as 'day' was in the previous clause. I'll clear it up now though so that others don't get confused. Thanks, dear, for a very detailed and constructive review. I love a reviewer who can tell me what was wrong with my fic rather than just rambling on about what they liked :) - Cassie

Name: Padfoot Patronus (Signed) · Date: 06/18/09 12:26 · For: In the Stillness of Night
This was absolutely an instant favourite. The first and second line itself are so engaging and they quickly draw the reader in. They also give me an idea of how approximately old the characters are and this is what gets me hooked further. :D While no doubt that there is no lack of young couple romance, there is lack of good romance. Your interpretation of Scorpius/Lily was great!

What I loved even more was how Scorpius and Lily both became their own individual and very distinctive characters within the first section of the one-shot itself. You gave them really really rich personalities and yes it kept me engaged.

I love this flaw in Lily's character, of being afraid of commitments. Usually in fiction it is portrayed the other way. And the change from usual is not the only nice thing, but the idea that this is so very probable for a character like Lily. Given the family background and the expectations involved, it is so reasonable that Lily would turn out the way she did. Good job there.

Merlin, the part where she goes home is so good! The saddness of it, the saddness you let the reader think of it on their own is the powerful element. I'm in awe of how you incorporated the theme of honesty. I feel many people who have some sort of personality issues that can pretty much be corrected with time and help, are very much aware of their sort of disorder and struggle with it most times, and think of it most times. The awareness is good, but I have often felt that I need an anchor to hold me in place, to help me fight my fears. I really related to Lily in certain things she said, and well, it was touching.

The ending of this beautiful one-shot just couldn't have been any perfect. Wow. The descriptions are HEAVENLY Cassie! My, I could squish you so hard!

The back of my head settles comfortably on the pillow, feeling like home. I somehow find your hand beneath layers of cloth and you grasp mine gently yet whole-heartedly. I roll to face you, though still keeping my distance. Our eyes meet briefly before yours drift shut, glimpses of grey vanishing behind soft lids.
If I quoted every favourite part of mine, I'd be threatening copying the whole of your one-shot on the review page :P

I have only a slight bit issue with your POV though. The combination of the use of 'you' with first person was a bit hard to understand. I actually had to go back reread a few sentences in the first section because I hadn't understood the style you were using. Also, it was just making reading a bit complex in places when simple 'he' could have done. But that's just regarding the first read I guess.

Overall, a brilliant work. Keep it up!


Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for a lovely review. I'm so glad you liked my representation of this pairing, and my characterisation. It's good to have something I worked hard at appreciated. I don't think I could have changed certain parts to 'he', however, as that would have made the POV inconsistent, flawed. I understand though that it is a bit confusing at first. It just needs to be established that Scorpius is 'you' and Lily is 'I'. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! - Cassie

Name: fg_weasley (Anonymous) · Date: 06/01/09 19:03 · For: In the Stillness of Night
Cassie! :D

Oh, my dear.

As soon as I started reading, I noticed the unique POV you chose to use. It’s first … and yet, also, second. It’s clearly first, but Lily is talking to the reader – something that doesn’t always work, but you certainly managed to pull off very well. The tone that Lily’s talking directly to the reader – to Scorpius – gives the fic a feel that definitely adds to the overall presence. I like it a lot.

This is a pairing that isn’t seen often – I don’t generally read a lot of Next-Gen fics, but from the few I have, or have seen, it seems that Rose/Scorpius is far more common. I like that you went a different route with this fic, and I think it turned out well.

I think you handled this prompt really well. On the surface it is obvious, but there’s also a running theme of honesty that, to me, seems deeper than the obvious. Not only does Lily have to be honest with Scorpius, but she really has to be honest with herself first. Lines like this really accentuate that:

For a moment we remain there in the midst of Diagon Alley’s frozen chaos, and I know that I am suffering chaos of my own. Who am I becoming? I allow myself to ponder.

I like this line because its duality, the literal chaos and her own emotional chaos. It allows the reader to connect with Lily and the troubles she is going through. You show Lily’s internal struggle well, in the way she thinks one thing but says another, or in lines like this one:

I’m not ready for you or your family. I can barely handle myself.

It really shows how unsteady she is, how, clearly, not ready. Its easy to write words and have them tell you think, but I feel you’ve made a deeper connection than that, which is the mark of a good writer.

The night is still, crisp, unforgiving. I take my time to walk the stone path, staring down at the rough detail on every circular rock. This is my preparation for my own self-exposure. I’m composing myself before the time comes for me to unravel.

This paragraph? My absolute favorite. You’ve taken words and woven them into something beautiful and meaningful. I especially love the end bit –‘before the time comes for me to unravel.’ Wonderful word choice, dear. Throughout the whole fic, you show that you have a way of choosing just the right word, but I think this is the very best example of that skill.

Your Lily is very well-written – she’s human, she’s real. She clear has flaws; she struggles. You portrayed that very well, and I commend you for it. We don’t know a lot about her – nothing, really – but I think you’ve managed to build a very believable character, a character with which the reader can connect.

Also, one last thing: the lyrics at the top. They tie in really, really well, and I like the initial mood that they set up and, once I’ve finished the story, the true meaning behind them.

This was a very enjoyable read, dear. The characters, the prompt, the mood – all just wonderful.


nikki :D

Author's Response: NIKKI! [hugs] Thanks for this really amazingly nice review. It gave me a warm feeling inside! lol. I'm really glad you liked Lily's characterisation. I've been trying hard to make her more real than how I've previously written her, so for you to mention it makes me feel as if I've succeeded somewhat. lol. And the lyric I was so lucky to come across as I usually struggle to find lyrics that match... but Taking Back Sunday were there for me :P So thanks so much, dear, for a lovely review. - Cass

Name: NeverTooLate (Signed) · Date: 05/27/09 6:42 · For: In the Stillness of Night
Cute! I love the "love or lust" feel of it. Very well written. I adore this pairing to every end of the earth.

Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. They're my new favourite pairing, I think :) - Cassie

You must login (register) to review.