I really like this story so fay and i can tell that it's going to be amazing. I like how you made it that the Purebloods are the closest to Squibs, and not muggleborns.
Nice start, very original! I like that it's not a pureblood marriage law, like most fics seem to be (although I have never read a marriage law fic myself) You made this very plausible with a great explanation. And I already wonder what Percy's secret is and who will be matched with who if they are deemed acceptable. Good luck as you continue! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: Oh, Gina! *hugs* I haven't touched this account in ages and I see I missed lots of reviews in the process. Actually, this story was written and completed in 2006, my first year here and I just haven't finished reposting. I guess I miss my VA status! LOL!
I know that this is only the prologue, and there is certainly a lot of development to take place in the instalments ahead, but I have to say I am really fascinated by the premise of your story so far. Generations of what boils down to inbreeding on the part of purebloods, who are in many cases swollen with pride about their spotless ancestry, has resulted in the delusion / damage of the genetics that makes them magic. That is, the hormone directly linked to the presence of magical ability is weakest, or present in the least quantity, in purebloods. In just one word: fantastic! The purebloods are breeding themselves into inferiority. I cannot tell you how much I like that whole idea alone.
The other thing I found captivating is the legislation that the Ministry passed to correct the phenomenon. Can you imagine the outrage? I tried imaging some real life genetic defect that would cause the government to pass a law roughly equivalent. It’s a horrifying notion, having to prove that you are so many generations removed from relation to someone to marry him or her, or that you have a given number of other blood types in your ancestry.
One thing I did wonder, as I was thinking about this, however, is why the law did not only apply to pureblood wizards and witches? It seems like they are the source of the problem, though I suppose the problem does not only occurs with pureblood parentage. It just seems like half-bloods and Muggle-borns, whose breeding is mixed by their very nature and who had the highest Pisces hormone counts, would be immune to the problem, or so drastically less likely to be impacted that the legislation might omit them.
This is a great backdrop against which to set a story and I’m interested to see what develops with Percy. He isn’t the sort of character, from the books anyway, that one would expect to have a ‘secret’. Then again, that’s what could make it so interesting.
About the only thing I can think of, as far as constructive criticism – and this may be more a matter of opinion / style, is long paragraphs. Personally, I take the notion of new idea, new paragraph to the extreme. The result in my writing is very short paragraphs. While reading your first chapter, I did come across an instance or two where I might have been inclined to start a new one. The first paragraph, for example, I would have started a new one with the Left. Right. Left. Right. sequence.
I guess it’s just because I’m such a nitwit that I get lost in long paragraphs as I’m reading. It’s about the only suggestion I could come up with here, being that I liked this one so much. I did notice that you appear to be missing a blank line between your last two paragraphs. That’s just a simple formatting item.
Great work and I’ll be watching for the next chapter. I’m adding it to my favourites (which I don’t do much of) so I can kept an eye out.