that was awesome! you should write more!
Author's Response: Thanks, One Lily! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)
A bit short. I liked it though, it was cute, they are my favorite pairing after Draco/Hermione.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it. :)
Wow. Reminds me a bit of my first relationship...good. I'm not one for canon pairings but this one was pretty good.
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked this. :)
Somewhere along the way, it became Remus Lupin month. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened. He isn’t one of my favorite characters from the HP series, truthfully, and I’m not a big fan of the Remus / Tonks ship either. Believe it or not, I do bounce around MNFF, picking stories completely at random to read. Something like the last four or five in a row have involved everyone’s favorite werewolf.
As I read this story, I did find things that I really liked. So, I don’t want you to think I felt your story was poor. It isn’t. The fact that you got it validated on MNFF means that it was at least above average. The trouble I have with it is that it is too much like several other first kiss stories I’ve read. It’s predictable and doesn’t do enough to differentiate itself.
One of the things that I did like is you do have plenty of tangible emotion. I felt you did a good job connecting the reader with how Tonks is feeling. In the opening paragraph, you have here rifling a pillow across the room and smashing a vase, the snatching up another pillow into a bear hug. I think anyone who has ever been in a tough spot in a relationship will be able to deal with the frustration, despair, and uneasiness Tonks displays.
I also think you fared well capturing the emotions inside a person well he or she takes on that most difficult task of telling someone how they true feel. I think that unless you are certain you know the other person feels the same, telling someone you love him or her is about the hardest thing in the world to do. I liked how Tonks was convicted that she was going to tell him no matter what, how she was blankly playing with her glass as she waited for the right moment in the conversation under the tremendous weight of what she was feeling on the inside. If anything, you could have probably written more her to show it even more. Still, I thought it was very believable and well portrayed.
So, how do we make this story stand apart? Well, to me, first kisses are cliché. They’ve been written a thousand times from every different angle and it is extremely difficult to come up with a new way to describe it. Since we know what the payoff is, what makes the payoff pay off is how we get there – the buildup.
In the third paragraph, you say that Tonks had started to feel like her feelings for Remus were beyond that of friendship. This is one idea upon which I think upon which you could have expanded. You go on to say that she loves his laugh, his smiles, and his eyes, and these are all important details. But, you’re really just telling the readers Tonks feels that way and not showing us.
Give us some specific examples here, something concrete to go on, perhaps a few memories where things happened and we see how these feelings have formed. For example, tell us about the time she and Remus were working on something for the Order when suddenly he fell down the stairs. Tell us how they just stared at each over with surprised looks for a moment, then started laughing together. Then, when Tonks goes to help him up, she feels all tingly inside when her skin touches his.
These are the sort of details that set a story apart. These are the experiences that readers can connect with, making your story memorable to them.
I also feel like Tonks’ anger escalates too quickly when Remus is hesitant – like her frustration has boiled over. If she is telling him she loves him for the first time, I think it a bit unlikely a thing to happen. So, that part of it seemed off to me.
I would expect there to be some dejection on the part of Tonks. I’m sure she’d be disappointed and hurt when Remus doesn’t immediately return the same sediments. If she feels so strongly about him, however, I don’t think she jump right into yelling at him about it. I think she might try to reason with him or get him to explain to her how he feels first. We know in the books she becomes frustrated with him eventually, so I think it can be implied that they have had conversations discussing their feelings.
Again, I hope that you’re not thinking I hated this story. I didn’t. I do think it’s off the mark of being a great story, but not by much. You’ve got a great start here. Whether you add some additional details to this story, or keep these thoughts in mind for your next work, I think you show plenty of promise here. Stick with it.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me all of this. Feedback is always very helpful. I agree that there could have been more description and I definetely need work on both Remus' and Tonks' characters. I greatly appreciate the advise and I will keep it in mind the next time I write. I'm glad you thought it was believable and didn't hate the story as a whole. Thank you, again, for reading this and taking the time to review. :)
I like your characterisation in this story, Mercy. Tonks is being her usual, stubborn and forthright self and Remus is being noble and reticent (as usual). I also like the fact that it's so obvious at the beginning that they're comfortable in each others company. Remus sharing stories about his friends (and she probably has heard them a hundred times before) is a nice touch. Oh, and he's so close to giving in and responding to her kiss. Foolish Remus! I want to shake him.
Where I feel the story fell down a touch, is that Remus was, in the end, far too reasonable. I think, perhaps he should have got a bit angry because she was refusing to accept his position. Also he is off on a dangerous mission so I think he'd be a bit more on edge. The line about not being able to support her is slightly superfluous because she's a trained Auror and probably earns enough money. Perhaps you could turn it around and show he's slightly bitter that she would, in effect, be supporting him.
Bringing her parents into the equation is a good touch, they after all are a major part of why he leaves her after they're married so good piece of foreshadowing.
Overcome by her emotions, Tonks cried into her pillow, hoping that Remus had forgotten what she had said and that he would fight to be with her, no matter the circumstances. I do like this last line, but it's sad to think that actually she does most of the fighting to be together.
All-in-all, a nicely handled scene which could have turned melodramatic but thanks to your characterisation of Tonks instead became rather poignant. Carole xxx
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Carole. I'm glad that you also pointed out the characterization, because, like I said before, I was quite worried about that. I agree that Remus was a bit too reasonable and perhaps I should have changed that. I'm glad you liked this and thank you for reviewing. :)
Interesting scene, Mercy, particularly the fact that people more often show in stories R/T coming together (me!) than falling apart. You have also shown the characteristically outgoing part of Tonks (arguing emphatically, reacting physically) and were nicely consistent with it. It gave me a feel that you knew your character.
A couple things though: There are several places I thought your use of some words was rather strong than was necessary in that occasion:
And so…” he laughed, “it ended up being about ten feet of snow before any of the teachers managed to fix the ceiling….”
'smiled' could do here too?
“What do you mean I don’t know what I’m talking about!” she shouted, her voice steadily rising. If her voice is rising steadily, perhaps you'd use the word "shouted" in the next dialogue. "Shouted" seemed a bit too much, like something just jumped at me out of the corner. And then the contrast of Remus talking "quietly". If you want to stick with your word you might want to say in the next line that Remus looks at her in surprise. Actually, I understand to an extent why Tonks would shout something, because sometimes when we expect and most probably dread some person's response, we act rather loudly. That being the case, show Remus reacting to it.
Slowly, Remus stood up and took her by the hands. Hmm. But I'm thinking he'd want to stay away from close contact.
She found it hard to be angry at him while he was giving those apologetic eyes. Giving the apologetic look perhaps, but 'giving those apologetic eyes' reads oddly for me.
...You deserve better than an old, poor werewolf!” he told her, his eyes sympathetic. Uh, no, sorry. Not sympathetic. He's talking about himself, he has to be angry at his pitiful situation and then he's in love. He's feeling lots of things at once. Then, his personal feelings would determine the expression on his face rather than what he ought to be feeling for Tonks. Right? So, perhaps change that from eyes to expression and you can replace it with a more appropriate choice: confused, frustrated...
“But you didn’t have to act so awfully! And besides, I don’t want someone else! All I’ve ever wanted is you!” she yelled. I'm guessing this is one of the first arguement they have on this matter of whether or not to be a couple? If yes, again the word 'yelled' implies exasperation beyond what she'd be feeling if this exchange is first of their kind, and in contrast more suitable to a third or fourth fight.
I'd really love for you to fill in between the lines. The pace is quite fast, because events unfold that way. But I felt something was amiss, perhaps more dialogue, reflection of Tonks' feelings as opposed to the harsh words she's throwing at him (though I do understand where she's coming from, I feel you need to develop this a bit).
P.S: I sometimes feel that it is harder to write about something you love (your OTP) because our feelings clash with it constantly. It was a nice attempt nontheless. Don't feel too let down by my comment, please! *hugs* I love your work!
Author's Response: Thank you, Akay. I have looked at the critques and made the proper corrections (now just to edit them on here); I hope it is better now. Given that this is one of my earlier pieces, I do agree that there could have been quite a few changes (though it took some mulling over to realize that). I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this and point out the details. About Tonks' characterization, thank you so much; that was one thing I was really worried about. Thank you again for reading this and reviewing. :)
Remus and Tonks are so cute! This was really good reading, nice job!
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I love them as a couple (they're my OTP), so I'm really happy with this piece. Thanks for reading! :)