Reviews For Forever Broken
Reviewer: Fantasium
Date: 05/10/09 5:53
Chapter: The Vision

Hello there, Marielle!

What an intriguing first chapter you have here. It’s got just the right amount of information to make your readers interested in the story and curious about what is going to happen next.

You write with a lot of enthusiasm and it gives your words a nice, natural flow. I didn’t come across any spelling or grammar errors, but there were some other mistakes where I suspect your imagination was just working too fast for your fingers to keep up with writing! Below are some things that I noticed that you might want to take a look at.

The first three paragraphs all begin with your main character’s name, so perhaps you want to think about changing that to give your story more variation. It’s always good to give your story a once-over for layout when it’s finished, to see if you’ve made unnecessary repetitions in the text.

Gwendolyn was very please with herself when she had been left alone in her father's office once and upon his return he could not find her.

When I first read your story I just noticed that there was a ‘d’ missing in ‘pleased with herself’, but now I see that you might want to take a look at the whole sentence structure. Due to the word order, it looks like Gwendolyn is pleased with herself for being left alone – which wasn’t of her doing, so she might be pleased about it, but not with herself. After reading the sentence a few times, I realise that Gwendolyn is pleased with herself for hiding so well that her father couldn’t find her at first. Perhaps the sentence could be written something like this: Once, Gwendolyn was left alone in her father’s office and she was very pleased with herself when he, upon his return, could not find her.

I’m confused about whether Gwendolyn’s father’s name is ‘Micheal’ or ‘Michael’? You’ve written both in the story, so you might want to do a search and replace the wrong name.

"That's not a tone you should be having with me," Abraxas tutted as he shoved his wand deeper into Michael’s throat.

I think the expression should be, ‘a tone you should be taking’. I like that you’ve used Abraxas as your villain because a canon face among original characters helps connect your story to the actual Harry Potter books. But at the same time I’m wondering if Abraxas would simply walk into someone’s house and murder them? Perhaps if this was during the war and he was a Death Eater, but otherwise I think he would be concerned with keeping his name unblemished and that he would be more likely to send some thug to do the job for him.

Gwendolyn’s only connection after the death of her father was her brother, and now he was leaving her to travel around the world.

Because I read the whole chapter, I understand what connection you’re referring to here, but you need to clarify it in the sentence as well. I would suggest rewriting the first part of the sentence like this: After the death of her father, Gwendolyn’s only connection to the wizarding world was her brother,

I like that you include the Thestrals, and I hope that you’re going to mention them again when Gwendolyn arrives at Hogwarts – which I assume she will.

As she passed began to open one of the many boxes, she found inside the broken music box her father had given her that night of her birthday… the night of his death.

This sentence wants another look, too. You write, ‘As she passed’, but what did she pass? Also, you need a ‘she’ before ‘began’. If you want to rewrite the sentence, you could change it into something like: As she passed the many boxes, she paused to open one of them. Inside, she found the broken music box etc.

But speaking of the music box, I think that’s a wonderful detail, and I hope it will play a big part in your story. Perhaps she’ll meet a person who likes to fix things, and he/she will be able to mend it for her? Or maybe it will magically repair itself and somehow be a connection to her father? So many possibilities in such a small object!

As I already mentioned, I really like your style and I can tell from it that you love to write. I can’t see a beta reader mentioned in your author’s note; have you considered getting one? A good beta will catch those little mistakes and make sure that your chapter is perfect before you submit it to the MNFF queue, and they often help inspire the author by making little suggestions.

Good luck with the rest of your story!

Author's Response: Thank-you so much for catching those little things! Like you said, my mind works a little too fast for my hands. I have tried to get a beta, but it's been difficult. I don't know exactly why. Maybe people have been too busy since it's the end of the school year, summer is so close, final exams, etc. I am so glad that you liked my chapter, I have been working on this for quite some time and I can't believe I missed such fundamental things! I will review it once more, a little more carefully, and correct anything that needs it. And yes, I have some ideas on how to make the music box a big part of her life, even though for most of it it remains broken. You are an excellent proofreader, and if you are not already a beta, I suggest you become one. If you are a beta, I would like to extend an offer for you to be mine. To be frank, I was taken off guard by the length of your review, but I'm so appreciative of your input. Thank-you again.

Reviewer: Belledeg
Date: 05/08/09 13:43
Chapter: The Vision

This is really interestng! Good luck with it!

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