MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
06/13/09 6:43 · For:
To Be Remembered
the story was well organized. T'was good. But I'm cirious on what happened during the 2nd and 3rd tasks
Author's Response: Thanks, glad you liked it! I'd really like to write more, so hopefully you will get to learn about the rest of the tournament.
(Signed) · Date:
05/09/09 17:36 · For:
To Be Remembered
Hello there, Luna_Lover.
I’m seeing a lot of challenge responses around, but yours caught my eye because of the pretty title. But it’s not just pretty; it’s also very fitting because it corresponds so well to the main theme of your story.
I like that you’ve chosen a canon name for your main character, but did you know that she was in the same year as Harry, Ron and Hermione? Perhaps it would have added some extra spice if you had somehow included that fact when Lisa reminisced about the Triwizard Tournament that Harry participated in. But you make her interesting from the first section; we haven’t seen many wizard journalists devoted to reporting the absolute truth in the Harry Potter series, so that’s refreshing.
You devote a good deal of words to description, and I think you do this well. I get very clear mental pictures of the places you describe.
I see that this story is completed? I found your writing style to be a bit hurried and thought this was because you were attempting to squeeze all three tasks into a single one-shot, but if you’re only going to cover one of the tasks I would suggest a slower pace so that we can get closer to your characters. Perhaps you could try to cut out some less relevant parts, and add some more thought to the important ones. Lisa talks a lot about what is happening around her, but she doesn’t reflect much on it and we don’t get to know how she feels about it. For example, when she was informed about her sleeping arrangements, how did it make her feel? Was she grateful for their thoughtfulness?
It’s very interesting that you chose the Knight Bus for the Hogwarts students to arrive in. On the one hand, it makes sense and I like when writers use available canon material for their fanfics. But on the other hand, the Hogwarts people wouldn’t be able to keep the Knight Bus and live in, like the Beuxbatons and Durmstrang students did in their transportation devices in Goblet of Fire. Perhaps if you added a note about the guest students residing within the Durmstrang castle, it would make more sense.
“Ms. Fuerst, I’m Lisa Turpin, a reporter from the British Daily Prophet. Might I have a word?”
If I’m not mistaken, ”Ms” is how you address a grown-up woman if you’re unsure of whether she’s married or not. Seeing as Sonia’s still at school, I would’ve thought it was natural for Lisa to assume she was a “Miss”.
You write the first task very creatively, but at the same time I can’t help but relate to the final task in the Goblet of Fire tournament. The first two tasks in the book were more straightforward and very clearly a single task – the one you write is more complicated and something I would’ve expected for a final task rather than a first.
I pursed my lips. “Hardly a heroic battle story, Mr. DeLee,” I said reproachfully. “Perhaps on the second task.”
I found this line very amusing and it’s a good piece of characterisation for your Lisa Turpin.
I was a little surprised to see a random Durmstrang girl on Teddy’s arm during the Yule Ball and I’m wondering if there was a specific reason you chose to leave out Victoire Weasley? (Admittedly, I haven’t done the math – maybe she was too young to go?) I thought that might’ve been an interesting detail to add, seeing as Victoire’s mother competed in the tournament along with Teddy’s godfather.
The ending came a bit abruptly for me, as I was expecting the rest of the tournament. But what you’ve written is good; as a reader, I thought DeLee would say something about being remembered like the other main characters did, but you surprise me by letting him talk about something much more important. Well done!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful and very helpful review! This was my first time writing a one-shot for a challenge, which is probably why it has the hurried tone. I had a 3000 word limit, and my entry clocks in at 2998. I think you're right that I should have included less material and gone into more detail with it; I could have handled that better and I'll keep it in mind for the next challenge.
I'm glad you liked the description. Writing from a reporter's perspective, I thought it important to include description, and a good opportunity to practice, since I usually don't include enough description in my writing.
I regret now making the story completed, since I don't think there's a way to un-complete a story, is there? I'll have to look into that. I did have some ideas for the other two tasks and actually originally planned on making the task shown here the third task. I didn't want to make it too similar to the tournament in GoF, but I wanted to utilize the extensive Durmstrang grounds that Krum mentions in GoF. I do think that Victoire would have been too young to go to the tournament, although I haven't done the math either, but I thought it made sense for him to go with a Durmstrang girl, in light of the fact that every champion in GoF went with a Hogwarts student.
Although it is complete, once the challenge has been judged I may go back and expand this into a longer one-shot. Thank you so much for your input!