Loved the doctor healer part. Please update this(or is it abandoned). There is a song called every breath you take by Sting or someone.
Author's Response: It's by The Police - Sting is/was their lead singer. Um, someone else has prodded me about this. I'd like to update, I just have very little time, atm =, because I'm working on other things. Thank you ~Carole~
Really good! I never really knew asthma was that serious. My brother used to have it and two of my friends have it, but they never indicated it was that bad. Now I feel the need to finish this story to find out more. I'm also going to look up information. Thanks for informing me, and next chapter please!
Author's Response: Ohhh, I haven't updated for ages, I really should finish this. Basically asthma doesn't have to be serious. My daughter, for instance, as she's got older is much better; it just happens to be worse when you're very young. Thanks for the review. ~Carole~
This was very, very good. Completely unique, and I also got an interesting perspective on Dudley and Aunt Petunia. I would love it if you wrote the rest of it, please do!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I will try and finish this ... some day. I'm currently writing a story about Lily when she's much older, and it's possible that this could link into it. Thanks again, it's much appreciated. ~Carole~
So I'm guessing that you have asthma,or someone you know has asthma.
Author's Response: My daughter has asthma and suffered very badly when she was a baby. Thank you ~Carole~
My cousin has asthma, and so does my science teacher, but neither of them ever really talk about it. I've seen my cousin using his inhaler and this other machine thing, but I never knew that much about it, so I searched asthma, and here I am.
It's really interesting. It's caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors, but despite the 300 million affected people world-wide, doctors still don't fully understand how the two factors are connected.
There was a lot of other medical and numerical gobbledygook that I skimmed over... I think your story is really creative and well-written. :)
Author's Response: Thank you. Asthma is a serious condition, but it can be managed very well. I suspect your cousin and science teacher don't want to be thought of as different because with proper management, asthma can be controlled. My daughter's asthma is mainly viral - so she gets a cold and starts wheezing. She is also allergic to cats and koalas (!) I really should finish this story, shouldn't I? Thanks again ~Carole~
I love this story!! Please keep going with it!! =D
Author's Response: Oh, hmm, this is one of those stories that I never got going with. It's silly really because in the plan there were only another two chapters, but it got sidelined. Maybe one day I'll pick it up again. Glad you're enjoying it. ~Carole~
Caroley! This is a really touching story (of course it is. It's real life to you). I was kind of sad to see that you haven't updated it since last April, almost a year ago. I would love to see how things turn out for the Potters as well as Harry and Dudley's confrontation.
Please update soon Carole. This is such a great touching story. Asthma isn't a laughing matter for anyone, no matter how severe it may be. And to have someone in your family that has it only makes writing about it that much easier, when it comes to knowledge, and that much harder, when it comes to emotions.
I love your writing and I hoep things are going well at home, considering everything you have to go through with your daughter's asthma and your dad's death.
Hugs and love goes out to your family from everyone here on MNFF.
Author's Response: Thanks Allie. Yeah, I should update, as I know what's supposed to happen. I'm off on holiday soon. The last time I did that finished seven chapters of one story ... ha ha. Thank you again for the lovely review, I really appreciate it. ~Carole~
Thank you for writing this story
I also have asthma and its scary not being able to breath.
Author's Response: Ohh, thank you. I can only see this from the perspective of a mum looking after her daughter, so I can only imagine how frightening it must be. Take care of yourself and thanks for reading and reviewing. ~Carole~
Oh, Carole. I admit – I know nothing about asthma. But not only is this story heart wrenching, but it is educational. You’ve took us through the symptoms and possible causes, and you’ve shown us how impossibly terrifying it is. In fact, it would probably be even more so for wizards, because they have no knowledge of it, and they probably see themselves as completely alone. After all, it is a Muggle condition to them.
I liked the Ginny you depict. Her panic for her daughter shows her passion, but it also shows another side to her. In the HP books, she barely ever seems to get ruffled, but your Ginny is more similar to the vulnerable one we see in CoS. This I like, because a lot of fanfiction portrays her as very strong, or very weak, and in reality, Rowling’s character is neither. Well, she’s strong, but not that strong, you know? Yeah...
Now, I feel I should also comment on Ron. Ah, you have captured him perfectly. He’s joking, but his concern for Lily is there in an instant which is IC I think.
The only nit-pick I have for these two characters is their dialogue when Ginny floos to the Ministry. I like the interaction, but I think Ginny would want to get back to her baby immediately, not listen to her brother. Maybe Harry could ask Ron if he will look after the boys before apparating? And Ron could start to speak maybe, but Ginny has already gone. Hm.
The link to Muggle blood and asthma is inspired. I’ve never thought about how Muggle conditions could pass to wizards by blood, but it actually sounds very likely. I’m sitting here wishing I’d thought of that for my term challenge. Lol.
Bringing in the Healer who treated Mr Weasley was a good idea, too. It shows how he pursued his interest in Muggle medicine, and I like the link to the Weasley family. The very last line he speaks, that finishes off the chapter, was also very effective. It reminded me of dramas on the TV where the scene ends and it cuts to the adverts after the main characters have been told something that is possibly life changing.
“Weasley red,” Ginny said.
“Evans red,” said a voice behind them, as Harry arrived back from the Burrow.
“Prewett red,” declared Molly firmly.
Ooh, I never realised that all three families were redheads. Other than that, I love the dialogue between the three here.
“I’ve got to go,” he said. “I’ve got a meeting with Kingsley about Pius Thicknesse’s parole application.” - well, I hate repetition, but I actually think this sounds rather natural. I know I moan about repetition in stories, but I repeat things aloud all the time, and most people probably do as well.
“Nothing serious, I hope,”
Nah, they all get these coughs and colds at that age, don’t they.
Those two lines would ideally end with question marks.
A sudden noise from the fireplace caused both men turned around - that could do with rephrasing. How about ‘both men to turn around’.
She looked back at the nurse. - you said ‘looked’ in the line before. ‘turned back to’ maybe?
He stopped at a red door, decorated with children’s pictures, and opened it.
I love that detail, though I wasn’t sure whether you meant photos or drawings...?
Anyways, good work, Carole. I look forward to reading on. =) xx
PS: And I did look at an asthma website – I saw some things you included in your story as well, like lips turning blue.
Author's Response: WOW! What a review. Thank you so much, Spire. I'm glad you liked Ginny. I don't think she'd be strong all the time - either - especially when it concerns something she has no clue about. I'm glad you liked Ron. I struggle withb Trio characterisation so the fact that they're IC means a lot to me.
Okay on to the nit-picks which I mostly agree with. However, Ginny hasn't flood to the Ministry - it's just her head in the fire. So she hasn't left Lily alone.
The other nit-picks I shall go and sort out now ... skulks away .... Thank you! Carole xxx
Ug. I know what you're talking about. I was in the hospital four times before I was 3 for asthma related pneumonia. Then, at 13, it made a reappearence when I was running track. I haven't had an asthma problem in years before now...
Anyway, great chapter...again. The dialogue seems a little awkward at times, but other than that, you're golden :)
~Passion For Prongs
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I appreciate your opinion especially as you have an understanding of the condition. I think the trouble with the dialogue stems from the fact that I'm trying to deal with a 'real' issue as it were, plus I'm writing characters that are unfamiliar to me. Trouble was a Marauder era fic featuring Sirius Black as an asthmatic just didn't fit *giggles* althouh I'd have happily saved his life *drifts off into Marauder fantasy*
Continuing straight where you left off at the end of chapter one, the story never loses any of its charm. Like others already said, the plot is original and placed neatly into the wizarding world. Your characterisation is one of the best I’ve seen and everything together – plot, characterisation, the gravity of the story – creates a wonderful mix that is an enjoying read and educating at the same time.
What I liked especially was that despite the seriousness of asthma and how Ginny and Harry try to work around their daughter being ill, you still kept the story light-hearted enough to cause some funnier moments – well, at least funnier for me. I chuckled a bit at the end especially: “HEALER?” the doctor exclaimed. “You took your baby to a new-age crackpot?”
Can’t wait for chapter three. Please update quickly.
Author's Response: EEEP! can't believe I didn't respond to this. Wow! I haven't written this fic for ages. I MUST get back to it. There ahould be two more chapters ... I just need to write them. Thanks Bine, I adore your reviews- they're so friendly.
I have to say, wow. That was a truly intense first chapter. I know that asthma is a pretty serious illness and can cause quite a lot of discomfort for the affected person, but I didn’t know it could be deadly. And I didn’t know that so many people die because of the illness every year. You find me quite shocked and touched.
I really admire that you decided to dedicate this work for the cause Asthma UK, and I think it’s great that you could bring in personal experience although, of course, I wished your daughter wasn’t suffering from asthma. I who never got in contact – personally – with anyone having asthma couldn’t begin to imagine what life with someone suffering from this illness would be like. But you managed to bring across in your story exactly what you experience every day. The way Harry and Ginny react when Lily suddenly stops breathing is incredibly well-written and realistic – because it’s based on your own experiences with your daughter. You managed wonderfully to bridge from our world to the world of Harry Potter without losing any realism. Bravo.
I don’t want to be nitpicky because it really is such a great chapter, but I noticed some mistakes in punctuation. For example, if you interrupt a speech with narration, you need to go on with lower case. Therefore, in the sentence “Keep calm, Lily, darling,” whispered Harry urgently, “We’re going to get you to St. Mungo’s very soon.” “we’re” should be in lower case rather than upper case. I believe there were one to three more such cases in this chapter.
But like I said, I really like this story. The plot is educating and interesting, the characterization is well thought-out and everything fits together neatly. Wonderful beginning. Keep it up and I can’t wait to read the other chapters.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Bine. It's much appreciated especially as you have to read through so much these days. *grins*. I'm pleased I've brought the condition to people's attention because it's so often dismissed as nothing particularly serious. Having said that, I am going to show in a later chapter that it certainly isn't all doom and gloom. Ginny and Harry are just going through the initial stages of realising that it can be serious.
Thank you for bringing the nit picks to my attention. I have fixed the errors.
Thanks again. Carole xxx
ooh! ginny finally succumbed to seeing a Muggle doc huh? Its hard to imagine her that lost and confused but in that situation, I suppose anyone would be...
a question though, why would Harry and Healer Pye be worried about Petunia having pneumonia? pneumonia is an infectious disease, nothing hereditary about it... ;)
Author's Response: Well, she's lost and confused because she's in a Muggle hospital and the doctor's asking her questions that she can't answer. As far as pneumonia goes. I know it's an infectious disease, but if you're asthmatic you are more susceptible to getting lung infections like that. Plus if you do get them, you're more likely to die from the condition than a healthy person. (My friend's mum died of pneumonia when she was 48 - she was also asthmatic.) Thank you for reviewing, I do appreciate it - Carole xxx
I've really been enjoying your story! As others have commented, as I agree, it's wonderful to a story with a really original plot. Plus, I think your Harry is the best grown-up Harry that I've read, second only to Harry in the Epilogue of DH.
Author's Response: WOW! Thank you for that. I honestly don't write a lot of Harry or Ginny but they suited my story so well with harry having a Muggle connection and Ginny being totally clueless about Muggles. I should be updating soon- I just need to find the time to get it all down from head and notebook to laptop. Thanks again for the review - it is much appreciated. Carole xxx
Well, reading your story I sort of had a Harry moment:
Dudley running to catch him one summer. Harry sprinting away, and Dudley barely able to break into a run. He’d stopped halfway around the park and had doubled over. Fat and unfit, Harry had always thought.
Dudley wheezing. Dudley with rasping breath.
My friend. She had this breathing problem when we were young. We'd go to school by bus, and winter mornings were sometimes really merciless, and everybody despite being in their jumpers would shut all the bus windows. And then my friend (it's surprising that we didn't used to get along those days) she would open her window wide. Eveybody complained and groaned at her, and she'd often become teary eyed and say that she couldn't breathe. I truly never thought about this till I read your first chapter... and I was touched reading Harry's thoughts. So first off, this is great what you've done here and will certainly accomplish when this fiction is through. I applaud you for your intent.
The second chapter is written more from Ginny's. What I've tried to do is cut out my emotions or rather squish them down into the fic, because otherwise it was becoming far too much about me and not about Ginny.
I feel utterly miserable of my POV comment earlier, now that it has magnificently dawned on me how sentimental this experience must be for you. In an attempt to do justice, I reread chapter one. And as I partially expected this is what:
You used third-person ominscent POV, encompassing the thoughts and senses of multiple. But I found chapter 2 flowing in this narrative better than chapter one. Know why?
This idea can be a pure bias, I warn you. So, I think there was a lot going on in chapter one, you were introducing the problem, and events were pacing rather swiftly. Like I said at the Badger Bar, descriptions are my weakness when reading fanfiction and I guess I expected some more. My wish was granted in chapter two, it flowed brilliantly.
First person POV would have been excellent, but I appreciate the fact that distancing yourself away from Ginny's characterisation would be ardous given your connection to the theme.
I think this is a very demanding fiction. Because you have to manage information with emotion. Congrats Carole, because I think you have captured that perfectly. There was such a nice balance between the two, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm not straying quite far in the story because every one in a while but very subtly you drop it fact about asthama. And it doesn't seem out of place. Good job.
I loved Harry and Ginny's exchange. Jo said they are soul mate and you've written their understanding and concern for each other very nicely.
“My mum was Muggle-born but, as you know, she died very young, so I’m not sure if she was affected.
Do you think it'd be better as 'asthmatic'?
The nurse had eyed Ginny’s wand and, remembering how fiercely Mrs Potter had played Quidditch, had lowered her wand.
How about: The nurse had eyed Ginny's wand, and remembering how fiercely Mrs Potter used to play Quidditch, lowered her wand.
Awaiting your next chapter. *hugs*
Author's Response: Akay, first off don't feel miserable about your comment. It's an opinon and itwas one I was interested in and you have every right to make. Secondly, thank you for taking time to reread and review. It really means a lot to me that people even bother so *hugs*. I'm glad you're enjoying the fic although I have to say I wouldn't have thought of this if it hadn't been on the MNFF boards as a challenge so thank you MNFF beta boards :-). I'm pleased you picked up on my descriptions, it is something I have to make a particular effort with. I shall look at your nit picks. I'll probably leave the first one becvause I kinda know what I meant (LOL) but the Ginny one shall be changed. Thanks again. Carole xxx
Such a wonderful story! You offered a lot of insight into how Ginny would be as a mother. People can say what they will, but I always did believe that Molly would have a strong influence on Ginny's parenting style. I suppose you do too. I also suspect you may see a bit of yourself in Ginny, from your confession that she has been behaving a bit like you would.
I'm also excited to see how Harry and Hermione especially would react to reenterting the Muggle world. For everyone else, it would be a brand new experience, but they once called this place home. I wonder how much they will remember and how much they have forgotten.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Molly. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Hmm, I'm rather counting on Hermione to be able to navigate the NHS rather well - after all not only are her parents dentists, but she is an insufferable know-it-all and has probably found a book in the library entitled 'Hospitals and how to deal with them.'
EEEK! I've turned into Molly Weasley. Yes actually I am a bit like her, I suppose. Thanks again, Carole xxx
I've wondered myself what sort of id was needed for National Health and assumed wizards wouldn't have it. Poor Ginny, I really can imagine how she feels. I'm glad people are taking her seriously - emergency rooms can require such a wait...
Author's Response: I have to say the emergency room experience was based strongly on my experience. Every time we've had to take my daughter to hospital she's been seen straight away. The endless questions are another very annoying issue though. Thanks for reviewing. Carole xxx
I haven't typed, Athsma, but that was because I already know a fair amount about it and take it quite seriously.
You did two very difficult things here, but the most difficult is taking something which has had a big impact on you personally and bringing that to the story in a way other people who have not had the exact same issues might be able to sympathise with, and do it without excess emotion (beyond that which would aid the story.)
It is very interesting - you've made Ginny, to my ears, sound very much like Molly. Hmmm...perhaps that tells us something about Molly in her youth? And I like the touch of the Malfoy ward being where they are questioned about blood issues and your use of Healer Pye.
Nice job so far!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review;I really appreciate it especially the comments about the condition. I have had trouble disassociating myself from the story, but then again I wanted some of my experience in there. Regarding Molly/Ginny, I do think Molly so often gets characterised as 'just' a mum and thus everyone was really surprised when she launched herself at Bellatrix and successfully dispatched her. I reckon Molly in her youth was just as feisty as Ginny and would probably have given the twins a run for their money. They didn't outwit her that often, after all. Thanks again. Carole xxx
Another great chapter i can't wait for the next one,
a lot of people in my family have asthma i do not, but the attacks are very scary.
you really doing a great job with this story :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story especially as you have some experience with the condition. Carole xxx
i can't wait for the rest of the story i know all about your cause my half-sister has asthma
Author's Response: Hopefully the next chapter will be up before end of term. I'm pleased you're enjoying the tale.