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Honestly, I don't know what to say about this chapter. While this chapter was really good, I am one to criticize when it comes to Albus' era because I am trying to create my own story about him, his cousins, and his friends. Your writing was excellent, don't get me wrong and you have a good idea forming which is good, I really liked it. I was confused, though, but that isn't your fault. I was confused because of all the Weasley cousins, there are so many of them. I have tea so many stories about these characters that it's hard to remember them all. In fact, I find myself forgetting some of the cousins in my story. Another part that confused me was when Professor Artemis was explaining Hogwarts. You got right in to explaining the points and then the houses. That just confused me a bit because it was so quickly said. I also like to criticize on the sorting because Albus is always so worrie abou the House he would be in. I would have liked to of seen Albus go into Hufflepuff like the hat was saying just to be different and for Rose to go into Ravenclaw for he same reasons. You didn't sort them there, which is totally fine, haha, bu it would've been cool to see them in a different house. I really liked how you put Scorpius in Gryffindor, though. I wasn't expecting that, haha. I think my favorite part was the last line when Albus thought that he might be sleeping in his father's bed. That was funny and could also be true. Overall, you did a great job on this chapter and I can't wait to read the next ones! You had no mistakes at all, I just have my criticisms because this is my favorite generation. So I don't mean to upset you in any way. Oh, I almost forgot, isn't Professor Flitwick supposed to be the Headmaster? I thought I read that somewhere that he was during this generation. And why is Progessor McGonagall still there? She retires the year before Albus and Rose go to Hogwarts..... I hope you don't hate me after this review because I hate myself for saying these things.......
Wow, it's so awesome that people are still reading and enjoying (and analyzing!) this story! Any criticisms you have are almost certainly valid; to be honest, I can't really remember the story too well because I wrote it so long ago! Although I have to admit, I have to kick myself about McGonagall. I'm usually pretty careful about continuity, but that's definitely an error: nice catch.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm certainly not mad at all! Authors should always have their work honestly analyzed, and I'm sure other Mugglenet writers will be happy to have your input. As I've said before, I'm no longer really active on this site, but I do try to respond to my reviews as often as I can. Thanks for reviewing! You've kind of made my day!
Well, that was pretty good, but i think you have big issues keeping it at their age level. First years can't duel and do spells like that. What's more, they aren't going to try it. It was a little ridiculous, because it was a very close game, and not an embarrassing loss on Slytherin's side. It wasn't even for the House cup, so it shouldn't have evoked such a reaction.
That being said, it was definitely interesting! They're going to the Headmaster, cool. I can't wait to read about it, although it looks like you aren't writing anymore. That's unfortunate. Haha, you'll have a lot of reviews from me next time you log on. I hope they were helpful.
See, here I am trying to get some action brewing again! I thought this wasn't too wildly unrealistic because even young first years have a few really simple spells that can be used for duelling (remember "The Midnight Duel" in SS, when Ron says Harry and Draco will be able to shoot sparks at each other?). I also thought that it was somewhat plausible that preteens could get pretty angry at each other over the result of a game, even if it wouldn't make sense to more mature kids. I've seen it happen! :)
Anyway, your reviews were indeed VERY helpful and I'm glad to get somebody's detailed opinion on this story! Unfortunately, you're right, I probably will not be continuing it in the future. I've already kind of forgotten where I was going with it, and I just don't have that kind of time on my hands any more. Thanks so much for taking the time to tell me what you thought of it!
I couldn't help feeling a bit of anticlimax from the last chapter to this one. The action sequence was kind of short. However, it was a good transition chapter. I'm glad you addressed the issue with the Inferi doing magic. I'm left on tenterhooks wondering what is going on, and I'm hoping you don't expect Al to be handling this.. I know this is sort of his story, but he's only 11 and I think that can be forgotten too easily. That being said, I'm definitely interested and can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: You know, I remember not even much liking this chapter when I was writing it. I would have liked a crazier action scene, but I didn't want to push the boundaries of plausibility too far. This one is definitely light on plot.
Wow, thrilling chapter! I can't believe you ended it in the middle of the battle sequence! I was kinda bored, but all of a sudden- wow, well written. It wasn't an anticlimax, either. Well done. I was especially impressed with Al's ability to clear his mind and fire some spells at the Inferi. Although, Inferi can't wield wands, they are no longer living therefore don't have magic to use. They're kinda just zombies.
I think you're pretty close to spot on in this chapter, though. Harry saying that the country was getting lazy sounds very accurate for this time frame- 20 years without a war, Dark wizards apparently gone, it makes sense for this to happen. I also liked that Harry approved of the DA.
By the way, if Al's in his first year of Hogwarts the year is 2015, almost 2016, not 2017.
I was confused that Scorpius stayed at school. He has a home family and it doesn't make sense that he would remain at school for the holidays. I was sort of hoping Al would invite him to come over, but you haven't done much to get their friendship rolling.
Can't wait to find out what happened in the next chapter!
Author's Response: I knew I wanted a mid-story battle scene to keep the pace going and kick-start the story. I thought using Inferi would be cool, but again, this is another place where the characters' ages restrict me a bit. They can't be out on the front lines fighting, so I have to have them hiding in the back. As for Scorpius, I think that him staying at Hogwarts was a clue to some future plot point (which I have now forgotten, natch). Nice catch on the dates, too; I bet that was a flub.
I saw someone else said they liked the description of Hagrid's hut- same for me, that was good.
The entire chapter I kept thinking "Wow, it's like Harry arguing a point and Hermione and Ron being skeptical as in the sixth book." It's a little repetitive.
I liked how Scorpius came along to Hagrid's hut. Al had said he'd be Scorpius' friend, but he hadn't acted like that before now.
Author's Response: Again, I seriously don't even remember what happened in this chapter, which is pretty bad, since I'm the one who wrote it!
Author's Response: Again, I seriously don't even remember what happened in this chapter, which is pretty bad, since I'm the one who wrote it!
I liked the car reference, and the Care of Magical Creatures Class was pretty original. I find that you're making the characters older than their years, though- they're eleven, too young to r doing the DA. Harry was 15. They talk older, and do more advanced spells- for example, they don't do color spells until sixth year. Apart from that, I liked this chapter.
Author's Response: Even when I was writing the story, I kind of struggled with writing the characters as eleven, since I wanted a slightly more mature cast to work with. You're right, they probably are a bit too old for their ages.
Well, alright chapter, but i'm not thrilled with restarting the DA. That's old stuff, you're not coming up with new things to happen. Not to mention very different circumstances; they haven't got someone brilliant to teach them, nor do they have a reason to learn defense (such as Voldemort being back). It just didn't sit right wig me. However, I still like reading this for aforementioned reasons, and you are a good writer.
Author's Response: My rationale for the New DA was A) I thought it would be a handy plot device and a good way to bring the characters together for something other than typical classes, sports, meals, etc, B) because I thought that, having heard stories of their parents' past glories, the kids would logically want to follow in their footsteps and C) I anticipated a time when they would actually need defensive skills, and figured that I should give them a little help preparing. :)
That was great! I'm glad to hear some plot thickening. I was very pleased with the development of Al and Scorpius' relationship. You also keep up a good camaraderie with the cousins. This was an enjoyable read, well paced and kept me interested throughout. Well done indeed.
Author's Response: I swear, as I sit here right now, I cannot remember what happens in this chapter! :) Glad you liked it, though.
I like the dialogue between the cousins, although I'd like it if a non-related person was included in the circle of friends. Someone of your own making. I'd like to see how you would put that in. I haven't read it all yet, so maybe you will.
I also enjoyed the parts with Scorpius in them. I'm really hoping he starts talking soon, because his vow of silence thing is a little tedious. I thought it was so funny when his white-blond hair was turned black, well done with some symbolism there. Or you might've just done that for contrast. Either way, I liked it.
You seem to have a thing for two-sentence paragraphs. It's not really bad, it's just a little difficult to read.
You've made Rose a distinct character, just like Hermione, which is understandable but I do hopes he develops some of her own traits.
Overall, I liked it, but I'm really hoping for some unpredictable action for the next chapter. I'll let you know.
Author's Response: It's funny that you should point out my propensity for short paragraphs, because it's something I've always been told. I do tend to like snappier paragraphs. Scorpius's hair is definitely a piece of (fairly obvious) symbolism. I wanted to make him physically different from Draco, partly because there were already too many "clone" characters, partly because I wanted to set him apart from his family and partly because I just thought it seemed cool. :)
Overall, I enjoyed the first chapter.
I think you may have introduced a few too many characters because I couldn't really keep track of everyone around. A slightly unrealistic number of names recognizable to the original series.
On the other hand, I liked how you included new things like the circle for where Voldemort was killed, and the hat having burn marks.
I am wary that this is going to be almost exactly like the first Harry Potter book, but it's only the first chapter. Your writing, spelling and grammar was flawless.
I am also wary that your characters are going to be just like their predecessors- Al just like Harry, Rosie just like Hermione. I hope the characters develop original personalities. I also hope Al gets himself a friend apart from Rose.
Anyway, I'm going to keep reading and I'll let you know what I think as I go along.
Author's Response: Wow, thesmart1, it's so cool that you''ve put so much effort in these reviews. I really appreciate an honest opinion! Looking back (I think I wrote this chapter at least three years ago), the structure and characters probably ARE too close to SS. As a fan, I just love writing about the existing universe, so it's sometimes easy to forget to do new things. And you're absolutely right, it takes a while for the kids to stop being carbon copies of their parents.
Very good story ! Keep writing :)
Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I'm afraid that this story will probably go unfinished, though. Sorry!
i loved it....please keep writing.....m waiting for the next....
Author's Response: I'm really glad you like this story, but I'm afraid that it's on hiatus indefinitely. I may return to it (you never know), but it's a lot of work to keep a fic like this running and I just haven't had the time. Thanks so much for reading.
nice one....reeeeely awesome...m waiting...
Author's Response: Wow, that's that six 'e's! I'm flattered!
Author's Response: Thanks!
Seriously, you MUST continue this story. I have to know what happens. Please find the time to keep writing this story. :)
Author's Response: I'm sorry that I haven't found the time to keep up on reviews and stuff lately. I've been kind of swamped and I am the world's worst procrastinator. But the fact that there are still people out there who want to read this story means a lot to me and I am going to see what I can do about updating it. Thanks for your loyalty and patience!
"Hagrid’s hut looked like a fat, frosted cupcake with its light layer of snow. Smoke blew out of the chimney in lazy puffs." This was a particularly good image, I thought. :)
Author's Response: Thanks!
I really like this. Please keep writing!
Author's Response: I'm sorry that I've been such a non-presence on this site lately. Real life and other writing projects have intruded and I can't promise that I'll continue this story, but I will try. I'm so glad you like it.
I absolutely loved your story so far!
Out of all the stories on the website, you seem to be keeping with Jo's style the best, which makes me really excited! Cant wait for the next chapter! Are you sure this is your first story?
Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the kind words. This was my first fan fiction that made it on the site, but I had written a few chapters of a different one previously. I'm really glad you like the story, but I'm afraid it's unofficially on hold right now. I just don't have enough time to keep up on it. Maybe this fall I'll get back to it! Thanks for reading and leaving such a nice review!
You are off to a good start. I look forward to reading more of it.
Author's Response: Thanks! I've got nine chapters posted and a tenth on the way. Please keep reading!