An interesting story. It's never occurred to me that Remus would babysit Tonks, but it was a great idea. I guess I don't really think about their age difference much - actually, though, when put like that, it seems much bigger. Anyway, my point is, great story!
~Soraya~
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story and yes, the age difference is somewhat surprising and does seem much bigger in this context. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)
Hi mzap!
First of all, I need to apologize because I know this review was expected much earlier :( I'm sorry. I've been horribly busy. It's funny because actually I finished the review in word before the challenge ended (right the day it ended) but simply didn't have the time to use my computer at all :/
Having said that, I'm here with my review :D
First I want to point this out: "Her face turned red as her hair turned a blue/grey color and tears quickly fell down her face… Nothing was helping and it was to the point where Remus went to get her favorite teddy bear and waved it in her face." My sister came visit with her 6 month old son and I couldn't help but realize you had some experience with children :) In my case I got it with my several nephews and nieces. I think that throughout the story you showed a perfect characterization of both, and how a teenaged boy would react in such situation. That allowed me get quickly get 'into' the story.
A little bit of pit-nick :) She emitted a giggle and proceeded to hold the bear so tightly, it looked like its head would come off. I loved this line, but I think that comma is unneeded
“You know, Dora,” he started. “You’re a lot like me. Most people think we’re strange for being who we are. Now, even though I liked this too much because I consider it maybe the central part of the story, I couln't help but think you could have made a better transition into it. I mean, it is a little bit too sudden, and given it is so important I think you could have worked more on the emotions/thoughts preceeding this, so that it would have more power.
I loved when that girl transfigured her nose! Very nice to include that!
He held her hand as she attempted to take a step. She fell but he caught her in time. This sentence struck out to me because it is kind of choppy. You have a very good flow throughout the story, but this sentence in particular could be arranged differently for better results. Maybe something like He held her hand as she attempted to take a step, caughting her in time when she fell. It's just an idea! :)
They actually became Animagi to be with me on the nights of the full moon. I liked the mention of this, but I think you could do it differently. The problem (from my pov) is that it feels it comes out of the blue. I mean, here you have a teenager baby-sitting, and suddenly he's talking about werewolves and animagi. That's part of what I was telling you about working more on building up this moment: gradually taking his train of thoughts here.
Nevertheless, I’ll still envy you, if you do become one. I liked very much Remus' sincerity, even more in this story as unbeknownst to him, he's talking to his future wife. I'd only suggest you to change "nevertheless" for something else, because it felt a little bit too formal for a teenager.
That’s the kind of mentality that gets werewolves upset and going to chase You-Know-Who. In all honesty, I couldn't understand this line (it could be just me). Could you explain it? Does it mean that kind of mentality makes werewolves look for Voldemort to join him?
Did you know that he’s promised them a better life, if he takes control? I don't know if you intended it but it is cool he says 'them' instead of 'us'. It's just as if he wanted not to consider himself part of that group, maybe considering himself closer to humans? I don't know, but I liked it :D
The last thing Remus wanted was to be an imposition on his friends. They always did a lot for him and there were occasions where he hated feeling like the weak one. I didn't want to copy every line of your story (I promise! :P) but I had to do it with this one. Very in character! Bravo!
Now, on that last paragraph (the one that ends with him thinking that she's just like him), that's a powerful ending! You could have expanded more there, maybe having two paragraphs out of that idea, just to give more emphasis to it.
Well, this is all what I have to say! It is a great story and very original. You did a great work with the characters and specially deciding and setting a nice enviroment for this happen. You already know what I thought you could change, but again, it's just my opinion. I hope you keep writing quality writing as this. Just try to develop more those powerful moments you have and it's going to be practically flawless :P
Again, an apology for taking so long to write this. I know you were probably thinking you'd never get this review, heh, but I'd said I'd do it, and here I am! Thank you very much for this reading: I really enjoyed it :)
~Astro
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for the reply! I appreciate all the critiques and thank you for the compliments. I'm really glad you liked this and I don't mind that it took a while to post this. I'll fix the nitpicks when I have time and I appreciate you pointing those out to me. Thank you again! :)
So I don't ususally read cute, fluffy fics (too much of sweetness gives me a severe pain in the tooth), but I made an exception here because I had to review one of your fics anyway.
I think I'm glad I did, because I rather enjoyed it. Despire the fact that the entire fic was about Remus spilling his heart out to his future wife when he was babysitting her, what I actually liked was baby Tonks. I could just imagine her-- a little, plump baby, crawling about, giggling, yawning, cooing, sleeping... I loved how she never was actually listening to Remus... She was yawning or sleeping... I can completely imagine Remus giving an extended monologue, and at the end of it all, Tonks giving a small yawn... It melts my tungsten heart. (Tungsten is the element with the highest melting point with 3410 centigrades...)
Despite the fact that baby-Tonks was my favourite part of the fic, I also liked that Remus was spilling his heart out... To his future wife. I liked the foreshadowing (the Auror part...) and I loved how he pointed out the similarities between them.
One thing I think you should have mentioned is Lupin's age, or at least the difference between Lupin's and Tonks' age. I didn't know how much of a difference there was between them, so I had to check it out on the Harry Potter Lexicon... I actually thought that Lupin would only be around ten. If you mentioned that he actually was fifteen, then maybe it would make it clearer? Or something.
I also have to agree with Carole-- Tonks does seem to be a little too silent. I would have imagined her being rather chatty, even at the age of two. (Or at least, as chatty as babies of two years would go...)
Oh, and one more thing I liked-- I loved the way you captured Lupin's awkwardness as a fifteen-year-old... Neither here nor there, rather liking Tonks but still feeling embarassed to have to act like a little kid around her... The Teddy Bear gig was done beautifully.
Some things I noted while reading:
The rest of the Marauders: Sirius, James, and Peter, would have come to help him, but each made their own rather poor excuses for not coming. Shouldn't this be 'had made'? The story is in past tense, and this happened before the events of the fic, so...
He was grateful his friends hadn’t seen that, for he would never hear the end of it. I think this should be 'never have heard'
He was worried that one day he would hurt someone he loved, or worse, kill them. Hmm. This poses an interesting question-- would Remus think that killing a person he loves is worse than passing on his affliction to them? He knows the pain and indecision and fear that goes with the condition of being a werewolf, so would he truly feel worse killing a loved one rather than turning them into a werewolf?
wait, if he was so worried about being with others, why was he babysitting for a two-year old? Ha, this line is amazing.
Sure you see with Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail, Sure you see with Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail? I don't understand what you're trying to say here.
I kind a wish I were a Metamorphmagus rather than a werewolf. 'Kinda' is one word.
Despite my nitpicks (which I notice on almost everything I read, being a nasty son of a witch), I really did like your story. I honestly didn't think I would like it, but I ended up being glad I read it. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much, and I'm glad I melted that heart, lol. I probably should have mentioned the age difference; it just wasn't as significant to the message. Thank you about the nitpicks; sometimes, while typing, I end up skipping over some words. I'll go fix that now. Yes, I suppose Remus would be more worried about passing over his condition (he did leave Tonks because of the whole baby thing). Thank you so much for reading this and I'm glad you liked it.
So cute! I love Remus' teddy bear gig; it's a pity his friends had to miss it. xD I liked the awkwardness you gave Remus. He strikes me as the awkward teenager type. By the way, your banner on the forums is doing its job--it's what first got me interested in this story. Good job!
~LiLu
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, I pretty sure Sirius, James, and Peter (mainly Sirius and James) would have never let Remus hear the end of the teddy bear bit. I'm glad you liked this. :) Oh, and Bine (luinrina) was the one to make my wonderful banner.
This was an interesting story, and it brought up a consept that most people don't really seem to realize on a concrete level; thaty Remus really is a lot older than Tonks. This story does a really good job of making this a clear fact. Remus really did rob the cradle a bit when he married Tonks. But they really do make a cute couple. It funny to see them together when they are this young.
I wonder what Remus would have done if someone told him that someday he would be married to this toddler. The Marauders would probably never let him live it down.
And then what would two-year-old Tonks do when she heard this. Imagine how much she would cling to Remus after that!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading this story and reviewing! Yes, Remus did rob the cradle, a fact I even sometimes forget when reading about them, but they are still my favorite couple, despite the age difference. I always loved the idea of Remus or the Marauders babysitting for her and I was happy to write this story. Thank you again and I'm glad you enjoyed this story.
"The thought of his infliction..."
I think you meant "affliction."
Still, a nice little story and exploration of Remus's life.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'll be sure to fix that mistake. I'm glad you liked this piece.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'll be sure to fix that mistake. I'm glad you liked this piece.
Hello, this is a sweet story. I like the idea that Remus and the others knew Tonks in her childhood (in fact I've written about it too :D). You've drawn quite a convincing picture of a little girl and Remus' embarrassment at having to talk through the teddy bear is funny. However, she does seem quite silent. At two she'd probably be able to say a few words. It would be nice if she said something - even if it's just repeating his words - like 'wolf' or 'teddy'. I really like the fact that Remus is continually anxious about the moon, fearing not for himself but for her safety. It is a brilliant bit of fore-shadowing.
One slight nit-pick:
On that note, though, I’m sure they’re keener to you. - Do you mean keener on you?
Nice story, Mercy.
Carole xxx
Author's Response: Thanks, Carole. :) I've also always like the idea of the Marauders knowing Tonks as a child, so I'm glad that I could finally write about it. Hmm, maybe I should have had Tonks say a couple of words, but I think I meant for the concentration to be on Remus' ramblings (though Tonks talking could still have fit in). Thank you for telling me about how I characterized a child because I was a little worried about that. I'll go to fix that little grammar mistake right now. Thanks so much for reviewing. :)
