Oh wow; that was beautiful! I won't analyse the stanzas or rhyming pattern or anything, otherwise I'll feel like I'm doing English homework! But I assure you; they were done well. I think your imagery is fantastic; I honestly felt like I was there, watching Severus and Lily lying in some long grass with the sun on their faces, a deep companiable silence before Lily unknowingly broke his heart forever. Oh, sad D:
Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I really appreciate that =] I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Heather! I simply adore this poem - short, sweet, perfect.
There seems to be an issue with the stanzas being bunched up - or did you mean to do that? I actually quite like it as little paragraphs with rhymes within them, it's different, like a drabble-poem, and I like things that are creative like that. But I remember seeing this in Poetry Anyone a long time ago, and it was set out like a regular poem then, right? Uh, enough on that, anyway, just check your formatting, I guess!
The first stanza is fabulous. The words - dreaming, daisies, hazy, blue sky - all come together to form a beautiful dreamy image.
The repetition and rhyming works really well, and give the poem that simple feel which is perfect.
The last stanza is also very effective - it's to the point, which makes it all the more sad - but replacing the comma after 'apart' with a full stop would make it better, I think, giving those last two lines more force.
Also, I believe that 'lay' in the last line should be 'lie', as it's a person not an object.
And this review is now at least twice as long as the poem, so I'll leave it there.
Amazing job, dear.
Author's Response: Ah! That was a complete accident. Me and my HTML mistakes lol. I'll fix that asap. Thank you for pointing it out, Chels, or I wouldn't have noticed lol. Thanks for the comments :) I'll go editing lol. <3
awwww... That was sad. Very well done though! i think you should consider turning this into a one shot! That would be very interesting!
Author's Response: Thank you =] Ah, maybe I will! There's something to think about :P