MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
04/20/09 10:37 · For:
What a funny story! I always love a funny tale involving Peeves. And the Potter grandchildren were a nice touch. I look forward to seeing more stories from you.
Author's Response: Thanks Molly! :)
(Signed) · Date:
04/15/09 22:03 · For:
Name: Sainyn Swiftfoot
Your Easter Egg, madam. LOL. Peeves as cupid... that would be a site. I can imagine him zipping around, wearing a nappy and wings, shooting people in the but. LOL, at least I know I'd have a boyfriend pretty damn fast, don't know if I'd be happy with who I got though.
I liked Voldermort declaring his love adn getting REJECTED! Considering BL would die for him.
LOL, it was good.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing Sandy! I'm glad you enjoyed the fic. You want Peevid to hit you with an arrow? Very well, he's on his way. And guess what? You've hit the jackpot-- you've got George Weasley! Ha Ha :P
Well thanks for reviewing again!
(Signed) · Date:
04/14/09 10:20 · For:
Harry Potter’s grandchildren were pestering him, on one fine June morning, to tell them the manner in which Lord Voldemort was deposed. Um, 'the mnanner in which Lord Voldemort was deposed' seems a little too convoluted here. I would suggest using something a little more simple-- but then, that's jsut my opinion.
“Do tell us, grandpa, the great story of the capture of Lord Voldemort.” As an author, you should try to make the way people talk as realistic as possible. Now if these are Harry Potter's grandchildren, the story is set at least another thirty years in the future from now? In which case, speech would probably be as modern, if not more modern than how it is now. And 'now', I'm quite certain that no child would say things like 'Do tell us,' or 'the great story of the capture of Lord Voldemort.' The first part seems archaic, while the second part seems not only rather archaic but rather convoluted too.
It was on St.Valentine’s day that it all happened... Shouldn't there be a space after 'St.'?
Frowning and gesturing for his audience to keep silence, he continued. I don't think Harry would frown at his grandchildren, especially since they seem to be quite young, and all they did was laugh. But since this Harry is quite old, I suppose he could frown... * shrugs *
Yes, I think so my dear. There should be a comma before 'my'.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that Tom,” replied Dumbledore calmly. “How many times do I need to answer this, Tom?” I agree with Alyssa- the two 'Tom's is rather repetetive.
The source of the noise was a weird specimen, wearing shocking pink colours, heart shaped wings and carrying a bow and a quiver full of arrows in its transparent arms. It was none other than Peeves. He had knocked Cupid unconscious and had donned the role of Cupid himself! Haha!
The arrow's swiftness outpaced Voldemort's running capacity and it squarely struck him on the shoulder. 'Running capacity'? The way you've phrased it, it seems like running is an adjective describing 'capacity'. Which makes no sense. >.> Also, I would phrase it as 'struck him squarely on the shoulder'-- it seems to flow better that way.
"Behold me for I am Peevid!
The poltergeist of Lurvvvvvvvv!
I am here to make your heart go wild,
Like, those Blast-Ended Skrewts and Flobberworms did!" Despite the fact that Peeves' poems generally rhyme, this one is HILARIOUS. :)
"Then leave me, set me free. I will be happy only if I can return to my husband. Upon your word set me free! “ The closing quoations are a space away from the 'free!'...
The Dark Lord stamped the grass and tore his hair in agony, tears spilled out of his sleep deprived eyes unmindful of the watching crowd. What hair? XD There is actually potential for humour here- you could say something on the lines of 'The Dark Lord reached to tear his hair out in dramatic agony, but with a jolt realised that he had none. Okay, so that was crap, but all the same...
They calmly stepped in between the Dark Lord and his love took Voldemort by his arms and escorted him to the Great Hall from whence he was to be sent to Azkaban. The way you've phrased it, it seems like his love carried him to the Great Hall... O_O
Alas the poor fellow never realised that love was a powerful factor indeed! HAHAHAHAHA! That is HILARIOUS. How 'love' is ultimately the thing that kills him... and not in the soft, stupid way that J K Rowling intended... However, a comma is required here after the 'alas'.
Harry took in a huge breath after narrating the story. His grandchildren gaped at him in awe. One of them broke the silence by saying, “Wish I could get Peeves’ autograph!" This shouldn't be in Italics.
Okay, that's all for my specific nitpicks. Now for a more general overview... The premise for the story was really good, and you had amazing potential with Lord Voldemort falling in love with someone. However, while the first part of the fic was really good, I didn't really understand what happened after the asterisks (***). Of course, that may just be my stupidity... Voldemort fell in love with Bellatrix because of the arrow-- that I can understand, but Bellatrix suddenly falls OUT of love with Voldemort, and back into love with her husband? Why? And Cupid's arrows are normally in pairs-- if one arrow hit Voldemort, who did the other arrow hit?
Also, before the asterisks, Harry was narrating the story. After the asterisks it took on a third person point of view, but Harry was not narrating the story. This change is a little abrupt and strange. Moreover, in the end, it says that Harry finished narrating the story and breathed in... It all seems a little haphazard. And why exactly does Harry breathe in after telling the story? I would assume he would heave a sigh, and not draw a breath...
But despite the fact that I may seem all nasty and evil, I actually did like your fic. It was funny, Voldemort was very well done, and the idea was very good. However, in my opinion. it could improve in places and I pointed out those places in my review. :D
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing BB. And no, I don't find your review 'nasty and evil'--it was very illuminating. For one thing, I realise that I have to concentrate on the content of my work before getting carried away with my ideas.
About the arrows being in pairs--Cupid here is after all Peeves, and since when did Peeves do things the traditional way? Thanks once again for taking the pains of reviewing my fic.
(Signed) · Date:
04/14/09 8:41 · For:
Okay, first might I say, I had my doubts. Reading the summary…well, I wondered how on earth Voldemort would fall for anyone…and who he would fall in love with.
And even though I had my doubts, I read it…and might I say, it’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Bravo.
Only one little tiny nitpick: “I’m afraid I can’t do that Tom,” replied Dumbledore calmly. “How many times do I need to answer this, Tom?” he sighed after a moment.
I would only put one Tom, and get rid of the second one, else it sounds a tad repetitive.
She, therefore, received the full wrath of Peevid's 'lurvley' spree. She fell down unconscious, thinking of her Lord and Master till the very last moment.
First thing I thought was: “Bellatrix will love this!” I have to say, that last line…”thinking of her Lord and Master till the very last moment” would have made me think she was dead…unless I read the “she fell down unconscious” part.
There are so many things that make this one of the best fics that I’ve read in a while…I love the characterization, as it is most appropriate in this use. Also, I think that this would make a lovely fic for the humour section.
Once again, great job! I look forward to reading your other one shot and hopefully more things from you in the future!
Author's Response: First things first, thank you so much for reviewing Alyssa! And thanks for pointing out the errors. I'm glad you found the fic funny--trying to write humour involves a lot of effort.