Well that was a heck of a long story. These may are may not make sense to you, I find I have that effect on people. Basically what I said was that was one long chapter. Now comes Miss Critical ( Your going to loooove her, with total sarcastic coating on every word, again may not make sense...deal with it. Now you have completly forgotton what I said at the beginning and you have togo back and re-read it.) I found that love part of the story was rushed. The spent most of the chapter trying to deny and aviod the love. Suddenly hes confronting her. Bing. Bong. Boom. The story is done. I found that slightly annoyong. Also I found that ( oh cool in this little prewritting thinger found and found are lined up! Felt I had to share that with you) the love sing was a bit short. I anticipated more stalling than that, but the where just like "I love you" ( I admit the stuttered which was good) " I love you too!" *The begin to snog* anyway not making fun of your story ( Your thinking a bit too late for that pal) I enjoyed it. I'm just handing out mean tacky comments, that people call my "opinions". The word opinions is in parenthisis since mostly people usaully ignore my wonderful, sarcastic, whitty ( *snort* yeah right) comments on their story ( ditto). Anyway wonderful book if not rushed.
-Windy the UnWitty
Author's Response: Heh. It was a bit needfully rushed between a) immediate love. b) one-shot-ness and c) a deadline, alas. Or maybe I'm just making excuses? x.x Probably. Thank you for the honest opinion though, always more helpful later on than the gushy reviews. (I have to admit that this was my first attempt at romance. Another excuse. :/)
Hey, Minna! I enjoyed this - it was quite refreshing. Because the love was so sudden, it doesn’t go through all the conventional stages of most love stories, which made it a quicker, lighter read than … uh … most love stories, I suppose. Lol.
I love the intro - especially the first and last lines. They tell you straight away what the basis of the story is, and how it‘s going to be an unlikely match. I like the match though - after reading this, I can totally see it while I couldn’t before. Although I did think the semi-colon in the first sentence would work better as a hyphen, but that’s just my personal preference. XD
Work had been very busy lately, and as a Trainee Healer she had been assigned the most menial tasks in the Ruth Dearborn ward on the first floor of the hospital (Creature-Induced Injuries). - I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better.
Susan was a creature of habit, and she had sat in the very same spot every day since starting work here. - I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least. Lol.
[…] his mousy hair had been let grow since their schooldays. - ‘let to grow’ or ‘had grown since’.
Her family’s history of conflicting, however indirectly, with his didn’t help. - I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?
“Good question, indeed,” she scolded herself as she went to her bedroom to change out of her eye-smarting St. Mungo’s robe. “You just didn’t want to tell your best friend what was really wrong with you.”
“Of course,” she reasoned later as she let her hair loose from its customary plait, “She wouldn’t understand.”
Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? If she’s doing the latter, I would make it clear by putting it in italics or something - if not, then it’s fine.
“She’s driving me mad. I can’t get her out of my head,” he admitted, hunching his shoulders. - I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too.
This was cute - I liked it. The PoV swaps were good - it was nice to be able to see both sides of the story. And, the characterisation of both characters seemed to develop before me as I read this. At the beginning, Susan was shy and nervous - and she was at the end too, but I felt as if she was more confident. Especially with her reply when Theo told her he loved her and her ‘we need to talk‘. I also liked the way that as soon as Cupid’s arrow hit her, she let Leo go. And Theo - he’s actually quite similar to Susan when you think about it. He seemed braver by the end - mainly because he confronts her and Leo, I guess.
Good work! x
Author's Response: First of all, thanks for the amazing review. It's lovely to get concrit, so I know where to improve. "I really don’t think you need to give us all of that information - it‘s a lot to swallow, and we don‘t really need to know it. Just up to ‘tasks’ would’ve been better." Yeah, that was probably an ill-considered sentence. I mean, I never told the readers that Theo works in the Asclepius Jenkins ward. xP "I like this because it’s something we can all relate with. I know I always have to sit in the same places, at least." - I stole that directly from my life. I am very weird about always sitting in exactly the same place. "I’m not really sure what you mean here. Is this a reference to blood status, maybe?" Err...well, what I meant was that Theo's family is very Death Eater, whereas Susan's family is very actively involved in the resistance against Voldemort: her Uncle Edgar and his wife as well as her Aunt Amelia were killed by Death Eaters, and I know Amelia died fighting, and Edgar was in the Order. Only I didn't want to explain all that. >.> Is she talking to herself here, or thinking it? - Talking to herself. I’ve always imagined Theo as more contained than that, and your characterisation gave me that impression, too. - If you mean, he's not likely to be open about his emotions...he's not, usually. But his mother is about the only person who can get stuff out of him.
Wow really good! I liked the development of the two. Great job!!
Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Wow, this story was really good. You described the reluctant love between them great, and the story was so sweet.
Author's Response: Aw, thanks. I'm glad you liked it.