Reviewer: Sainyn Swiftfoot
Of Apothecaries and Queerditch Matches
I don't ususally read Slash, but I quite liked this fic. I thought that Altheda and Asha would hvae been speaking in more archaic terms and in a less modern way as this is set in the past, but... And there are also things like eye-rolling-- which seem out of place.
Your grammar was spotless, which was something I really enjoyed. Even with MNFF's strict standards, a few mistakes do slip in, but your's had none. Your style of writing was also a joy to read.
I also liked how you handled Altheda and Asha's relationship- it was quite tastefully done, and despite the fact that it was Cupid who set it up, the story read like the relationship was gradual. Which was good, because it wasn't “Oh, Altheda, I love you-- let's run away and lovelovelove!” suddenly, out of the blue... The events in the story seemed to lead to it.
This is the third entry for this particular challenge that I'm reading, and I noticed one thing in your's compared to other's. In the other two entries that I've read, good reasons are given for supporting the fact that Cupid appears out of nowhere, but in your story he just appears there, drunk. This seems a little sudden and weird... However, seeing as your story was from the two women's point of view, I don't see what you could do.
Some nitpicks that I noted as I read the story:
Her body, once emaciated and pasty from a horrible malady, was now muscled and tanned, though thin, from hours spent on the Queerditch pitch. Queerditch seems just like Quidditch to me-- and I can not understand how playing either Quidditch or Queerditch can result in a perfectly toned body when all you're doing is sitting on a broom and making it move about...
She was now a savvy business woman with a future, and Amata, their other friend, was now married and happy with her love, the former Sir Luckless. Now he was acclaimed throughout the land as a hero. When you repeat 'now' thrice in such a short span, it sounds a little weird.
But in the few slash fics that I've read, this is easily one of the best.
Author's Response: First off, I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond to this! It seems like I've set down several times to write this, but something always interuppted what I was doing. I know it's a stupid excuse, but. . . .
Yeah, sorry about the non-archaicness of this. I tried to keep it a bit old fashioned, but we don't really know exactly when the was written, and I figured this would be easier to read without 'thee's and 'thou's all over the place.
You can give credit to Iris, my beta, for the lack of mistakes in this. I try to keep my writing clean, but there were many things that she cleared up for me after I sent it to her. And thank you - I'm glad that my writing is enjoyed by someone.
I thought that it would be pretty stupid to have just instant lovey-love, as not only would that be extremely OOC for their characterisations, but I know they would have major troubles with accepting what they just suddenly felt.
I knew, when I was writing, that I couldn't just have Cupid come out of nowhere, and I knew, because of the PoV, that I couldn't really explain it right out. I think, though, that I have a few paragraphs explaining, at least a little, why he was there. I think the summation of them is that Cupid had been tailing a couple, he got a little too much to drink, and when he tried to fire at the people (who were in the shop) he mis-shot, hitting Asha and Altheda instead.
Yeah, Queerditch is Quidditch, just an earlier form. What I have always assumed is that Quidditch players do more work than just sitting on the broom - they'd be working on their strength, and anything that could put them to an advantage in a game. She's a Beater, and I would assume that she wouldn't just get on the broom and hit things around - if she's going to compete with the big boys, she needs some sort of edge to keep her on the team.
I see what you mean by the 'now's. I'll look into it and see what I can modify there. Thanks for pointing that out.
BB, thanks so much for reviewing this. I really appriciate that you took the time out to comment on my writing.
Reviewer: Raven Tiger
Of Apothecaries and Queerditch Matches
This is really AU/AR and OC story but really good and well-written.
Author's Response: Well, actually this can't be counted as AU or AR. It's completely canon-compliant. It may not be likely, but it may very well be possible. And I don't really see how it's out of character (as I assume that's what you mean), as in Beetle the Bard we honestly only get a fairly broad picture of their character, as fitting to a fairy-tale. But besides my personal debate there, thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed my story.