MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: EmmyT (Signed) · Date: 12/04/10 10:13 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
Short and sweet. Lovely!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Glad you liked it.

Name: Wanted (Signed) · Date: 11/02/10 13:58 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
I really enjoyed that. Well written.

Author's Response: I'm happy you did. Thanks for the review. :)

Name: leftrightmiddle (Signed) · Date: 07/01/10 16:43 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
Cute! Lily is one of my favourite characters by far.

Author's Response: Glad you liked it. :)

Name: SOMEHEARTS (Signed) · Date: 09/29/09 22:25 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas

Author's Response: Oops. Thanks again.

- Afifa

Name: SOMEHEARTS (Signed) · Date: 09/29/09 22:25 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas

Author's Response: Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review. :)

- Afifa

Name: Insufferable know-it-all (Signed) · Date: 09/28/09 2:06 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
Love it, love it, love it!
Makes me glow :)

Author's Response: And this review makes me glow! :D Thank you for the compliments, dear. I'm glad you loved it. --Afifa

Name: pinkdude64 (Signed) · Date: 09/04/09 23:59 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
Oh My Gosh!!! I so called the pregnancy when you described as moving her hands to her stomach!!!

Author's Response: Haha, yes. It was a hint which several people understood. Thanks for the review. :)

- Afifa

Name: electronicquillster (Signed) · Date: 02/01/09 1:52 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
There is so much detailed in this festive and cheery holiday story, Afifa! You’ve certainly imagined up a lovely scene for each part of the story. However, I think there is a lot more ‘telling’ in this story than there is ‘showing.’ By this, I mean that you kind of list everything that’s happening, every motion, everything in the room. As an author, I know you probably want to be sure that your audience isn’t missing anything, but sometimes less is more. As I read through the story I felt almost a bit overwhelmed by the amount of description, and I found myself having to reread to be sure that I got the entire picture that you were trying to paint. It’s a fine line to walk, trying to determine how much description is too much and how much is not enough. In the first paragraph alone, we read about James in bed, Lily’s absence, how much she loves cooking, that it’s Christmas, and a list of things she’s already prepared. I certainly had to catch my breath. In the future I would just suggest carefully guiding your readers along instead of trying to make sure that they don’t miss one detail, if that makes sense.

There was cold turkey on the kitchen table. Fruits were overflowing from a bowl. A lobster was on a plate, and so on.

I only mention this because it kind of takes away from the flow, but since you’ve broken these up so they each have their own sentence, the ‘and so on’ doesn’t fit very well. It also is rather out of place at the end of a paragraph so rich in details when it trails off with such a nondescript statement.

The story, as a whole, has some very nice moments. I enjoyed seeing the different interactions between James and Lily throughout. In the beginning you showed them being a typical couple. We got to see that part of James that is still a Marauder, and how Lily loves it and kind of mentally rolls her eyes at it anyway, and the end was very tender between them when Lily breaks the news that she’s pregnant.

Seeing Lily and James open up their kitchen and their hearts to so many orphans was touching and not a typical plot point, which made for a good read. A very sweet story, dear SPEW buddy.

Author's Response: Ah, I've finally got on responding to this. :$

I really do get what you mean about showing and not telling. Once I got a letter from an ex-mod saying the same thing and it's definitely something I need to work on. =]

Thank you for the lovely comments and the critic, Mar! I'm glad that you liked it. =]

Name: yoursammy (Signed) · Date: 01/28/09 1:52 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas

Author's Response: Glad you think so. =] Thanks for the review, dear.

Name: padfootsgirl1981 (Signed) · Date: 01/26/09 14:27 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas

Hi there! I thought it was about time that I returned the favour :D!

I really enjoyed reading this! I don't actually read much fanfiction, but this made mewant to start doing so.

I have a few nitpicks for you, so I'll get them out of the way first, if that's okay:

He snuggled in it and shifted his hand’s position as to hug Lily

This sounds awkwardly worded to me. How about saying something like: 'He outstretched his hand in order to pull Lily closer to him.'?

and turned back to as James walked

Delete the 'to'.

‘Uh, hi, Lily,’ Sirius greeted her, mussing his hair.

Did you mean 'messing'?

‘I take I’m looking good?’

The word 'it' should be between 'take' and 'I'm'.

knocking of the door.

Did you mean 'on the door'?

‘Er, I exchanged about thousand Galleons

'a' thousand Galleons

she took James’ head in her arms

'Hands' would be better than 'arms' here.

Okay, that's all my nitpicks. Overall, though, I thought this was very well written, you captured the spirit of the Marauders beautifully.

His wife wasn’t there.

I loved the use of this simple sentence. It was a quick and effective way of letting the reader know where the story is set in the Marauder timeline.

So I invited them all over. They’ll be coming by six in the evening

Hehe, James' face must have been a picture :D!

‘Thanks for the offer, but I’d like to give the kids something edible,’ Lily said.

LOL! Loved this line!

He left the kitchen, leaving Lily wrestling with the turkey.

Hehe this made me laugh too, I got such a clear and funny mental image of it.

I loved the whole flour fight. I really liek it how you give Lily a sense of fun, it shows why a Marauder would have been attracted to her. Nice job!

Lily turned to Peter. ‘They’re telling the truth,’ he affirmed, nodding his head.

I love how Lily is still wary of the Marauders even though she's married to James. She knows the risks of a prank.

Children were so sweet… She folded her hands over her stomach

I thought this was a nice little touch. A lovely hint to Lily's pregnancy. A realistic motherly gesture too.

The chairs, the food, the plates were washed and stacked. Everything was normal.

Ah, how I wish I could do all that with just a swish of my wand. My bedroom would always be immaculate then :D.

‘I… you… you’re about to become a father, James,’ she finally revealed.

Aww! This bit gave me goosebumps! Bless them! I can't wait to write about this myself, and it was so lovely to read about :D.

Haha! Now I've finally got you back with a long review of my own mwahahaha! Only kidding, I love your long reviews! Now good luck with reading through all this :P. Seriously, thanks for the great read, I enjoyed it! xx

Author's Response: Wow. I have received a review from you! You! *is honoured* *goes through list of errors* Thank you for pointing them out. I'll edit 'em in a bit. Thankie for the wonderful comments. And, about the wand part, I wish that too... my room would be so clean then. Lol. Ah... you have to content your self with the *tongue hockey* bit at the moment. *lmao* I can't wait though... till their marriage. =D Woot! Thank you! =D And I had no problem reading a long review. At all. ;]

Name: Kiryn (Signed) · Date: 01/26/09 0:58 · For: Chapter 1-- The Perfect Christmas
Aww, so sweet!

Author's Response: Thanks, dear! =]

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