That was great! You are an aswsome wrighter! Keep it up! FINNISH THIS STORY DUDE!!! I LOOK FORWARD TO READING IT!
Author's Response: Hahaha. Thank you (: I'll definatly try to write some more!
Lexy, I really enjoyed this story. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have read something like this since it’s not the typical thing I would read, but if it wasn’t for you mentioning it, I wouldn’t have found out just how amazing it really is.
The description in the beginning of the story was brilliantly done. You described everything in the room, while still just making it so the reader would picture it instead of showing the reader what it looked like. I applaud you for your amazing writing skills with that. I, personally, would have never been able to do that. Lol.
I just have a quick question. You wrote ”a large sofa, made of damask,” in one of the paragraphs where you were describing the room. What exactly is damask? I’m probably just a little slow with it, but I honestly have no idea what it is. Lol.
Now, I really think you know your characters well. You’ve written them wonderfully in this chapter. And I also think that you made a brilliant choice with having it be in First Person point of view. I don’t think it would have seemed right if it was written any other way. And I’d also like to applaud you for that. Writing in first person tends to be difficult sometimes, and yet, you managed to do it wonderfully. Great job!
Onto other things… ;)
The house-elf’s large tennis green eyes filled up with tears and it sunk down into a low bow,”
This sentence. You need a comma before “and it…”. Without the comma, it would be a run-on. Since if you took out “and” it could be read as two separate sentences, love.
I hope that you had already thought of a way for punishing yourself.”
Two things for this sentence. First, if the reader doesn’t read the summary for some reason, they wouldn’t know that the story is about a Pureblood family. This sentence, however, honestly can show you that. The way that the character speaks to the house-elf, and the way that she feels about the house-elf, is blatantly shown here. Second, I believe “had” should be switched to “have”. It seems as though the rest of the story, and the sentence, is written in present-tense. By having it say “had”, you switched tenses and went into the past-tense. ;)
I wasn’t the only one who felt this was; Belladonna agreed with me, too.
This confused me. I don’t think you finished the first part of the sentence. She felt this was what? And Belladonna agreed with what? I think you should double check that, just to make sure you didn’t leave something out. I’m pretty sure you did, as I really didn’t understand what they were talking about in this part. Lol.
interrupting the look of distaste she choose to waste on our servant
One small thing. “Choose” should be “chose.” :)
Can’t you even come up with your own insults or do you just have to copy mine?
Two things with this.
First, in the sentence before this one, you already had Belladonna call her a “copy-cat”. That would, of course, imply that she would copy something that Belladonna had said or did. So, the second part of this technically isn’t needed. Since we already know she called her a copy-cat, adding in the second part is just repeating yourself, love.
Second, even without the sentence before this one, I don’t think you need to have the second part of this sentence. Since Belladonna said that she can’t come up with her own insults, that just implies that she had obviously said the same thing that Belladonna had already said.
But, in the end, if you wanted to keep this as it is, you would need a comma before “or” since both parts of it could be read as two separate sentences if you had wanted it to be that way. :)
I believe that was all I wanted to point out to you. I really did enjoy the story. You are a wonderful writer, love, and I look forward to reading the next chapter of this story, so please… update soon, yeah?
Author's Response: Dude. I can't believe it took me this long to respond to your review. Sorry, Toffie!
Thank you. I think I put a lot of effort into the description, but it was a long time ago, so I don't really remember ;)
Uhm, Damask is this really expensive material. The sort of thing that you can only afford if you're mega mega rich. I presonally don't own anything made from it :L.
Thank you for th corrections. As soon as I can be bothered, I'll change them! I'm glad you enjoyed it. If I ever get round to finishing chapter two, I'll let you know (: [Squishes]
That was really well done. I'm not sure if Sambo would call them Misstresses... aybe Misses or something... but the first one makes them sound really old... just my one bit.
But otherwise I really liked it! :)
Author's Response: Lol, I dunno. A Mistress is a lot posher, so I went for that. Lol, only reason. :P
Glad you liked it :) Make sure to read the rest ;) Lol -Lexx
*evil laughter* Now, to review.......
I'm just kidding. You're off to a great start. You gave the sisters very subtle characterization through their interaction with one another and the house elf. It's already apparent that they are two very different people. I can't help seeing an underlying similarity between them though. It's like they have the same personality but different interests.......yeah.
Done rambling now.
Author's Response: Haha, but I love your rambling.
But thank you. I wanted that, actually. I guessed that being brought up with the exact same experience would shape their personalities simarly. But then, there is no way they would be totally the same. So yeah, thanks :)
Must write more now, lol. -Lex
This is intriguing. I like the characterisation of the twins. Everything seems to be very correct, very perfect, in their world. But you can already see signs that Melody isn't quite so correct. She's not content to let her sister write the letter; she has to disturb her.
I'm a bit...err...iffy on the choice of house elf name, simply because Sambo has some racist connotations from the 30's, but I'm sure you weren't aware of them at the time (especially when we discussed the name - eeek).
One other nit-pick, (although it actually fits with the story so might not be an error)
hair prefect, blank expression.
Do you mean 'perfect'. It's funny because 'prefect' fits in a Percy Weasley type of way.
All in all, I think this is a great beginning. Your description of the room is lovely and the two girls are beautifully set up for any future tension.
After all, it would not do to disrespect the Master of the house. That line sent shivers through me. Carole xxx
Author's Response: Haha, thank you, Carole. I love your reveiws.
Uh, I don't really want to change the name of the elf, simply because I have none other. But I honestly had no idea [blushes]. Oh dear. Sorry.
Yes, lol, that was an error. I have no idea what prefect hair would be. Haha.
Thank you :) -Lex
Wow Lex! That was really really good. I'm interested in seeing what happens next.
Let me know when your second chapter gets accepted. :D
Author's Response: Yay! A pity reveiw. Lol. Thank you, and of course I will. Lol, I'll probably scream it at you :P