Oooh, Cassie, this was wonderful. :)
First off, I love the beginning. It’s ambiguous, but not to an extreme. It’s done well, not over-the-top or anything. Also, I really like the emotion and the depth of it. It’s so strong and powerful and it makes me ache for who ever it is. (Ted, I think, but then . . . yeah, I dunno.) The image of a man sleeping on a hardwood floor with his bag as a pillow is a very lonely image. It makes me sad to picture it. My heart has gone out to this man, whoever he is.
He grudgingly knelt down, hearing his knee make a noise that was only suitable for a person three times his age.
I love this line. It makes the loneliness much more powerful and heartbreaking. Also, I can relate to that, so it makes it that much better. :) My knees crack, loudly, just about every time I bend them. It’s gross and yeah. I just feel so much closer to this man because of that. I wish I could hug him.
His eyes refused to adjust to the darkness, and it seemed that he was staring up into a black sky. A sky without stars or moonlight, a sky that never ceased to end.
This line, too, really hit me. It’s just . . . guh! I feel so badly for this man. I’m practically crying now, reading it, the emotion is so strong. The imagery here, coupled with the emotion, and just the idea of being lost in the dark . . . well, it really struck me. Definitely something I can relate to and something I emphasize with. And it’s so beautifully written.
I really liked the idea of the dots. It’s something I’ve noticed too, particularly when my brain is plagued with thoughts and I have no answers to endless questions. But there was this one line that really confused me. I just had no idea what you were trying to say here:
The dots were like a form a static
When Andromeda got up to get the parchment and the quill and then got back on her bed, I got lost in some of the movement. It was a little confusing. Maybe if you simplified the motions or didn’t describe every little move to quite the exactness that you did, it would flow better.
I’m sort of unclear on why Andromeda is home. I mean, it’s clear she doesn’t want to be there and that she’s in love with Ted, so why is she there? I think you tried to explain that in the letter, and basically, Andromeda doesn’t really know herself why she’s there. I think that if you made that and maybe a sense that she feels like she needs to be there right now more apparent, this chapter would be a little easier to follow and understand.
She had wasted time, months, with useless thoughts of him, and now the holidays had arrived and with them came the impending knowledge that a Christmas alone with her family would be the one to make her regret every decision regarding her remainder at her childhood home. Surely, she thought, this would break her.
This is sort of an example of what I was just talking about. I think you’re trying to explain why Andromeda is here in this paragraph. The only problem is that I’m having some trouble comprehending this paragraph. I’ve read it about five times now, and still I only have a vague idea of what you were saying. If you could find a way to clear this up, it would be absolutely lovely. :)
Hm. I got lost a little in all the description of the party and the guests. It was a tad overwhelming. And that would have been great, if that’s what Andromeda was feeling, too, but I don’t think that she was overwhelmed. I think she was bored and annoyed, so I think that sparse description of everything would have worked better here to convey that. And, again, if she so clearly and plainly doesn’t want to be here, why is she? I mean, earlier you made it seem as if she could pack up and leave whenever she liked. I’m guess, I’m just saying that I’m still majorly confused on why she’s there.
Cole is interesting and I think you have a lot of potential with him. I find it kind of weird, though, that he’s a pureblood and the Blacks are trying to set him up with their daughter and no one’s heard of him. Just, odd for a family that cares so much about status and ranking and advantage.
I’m interested to see where this is going, though, and I’ll definitely be reviewing the second chapter soon. :)
"The moment her17;d stepped inside, he felt sure that he would later regret it." =) this line cracked me up!~~
"Leaning back, Druellar17;s face formed into a sneer. r16;Thatr17;s strange,r17; she said, r16;because I could have sworn I could smell the scent of a Mudblood.r17;"
wow. has she got SuperSense or do Muggleborns smell differently? ;)
anyway, i love your story and am looking forward for Chapter 3!
Author's Response: I don't think they actually smell, but she knows and is probably prejudiced enough to believe she can smell him. Thank you muchly :) ~ Cassie
Author's Response: Thank you! :)
Oh gosh, Cassie. I just saw this in the Most Recent, and I have to say. I'm amazed.
You're writing is brilliant. The way it all flows, the words you use, everything. You can tell how it comes from the mind of a more privilaged young womanm it sounds so natural.
I also love the characterisation of Narcissa, she seems so much like what I would expect. I actulay lover everything so far, Cassie.
Hoenestly, thank you for writing this. I don't read much anymore, but I'm glad I chose to read this.
The only one thing I can find wrong with it would be that we already know the ending >.> That's kind of a bummer. Lol.
Author's Response: Aw, thanks, Lexy. :D I'm really glad you liked my characterisation of Narcissa, and the story itself. I wonder if you mean by 'know the ending' that it's been spoiled by the books, or by my summary... Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you keep reading! ~ Cassie