Reviewer: Kerichi
Date: 12/09/09 10:04
Chapter: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

I was looking for Christmas stories and saw your poem. The title was quirky and appealing, so I read it and was glad I did. It made me smile and imagine Peter, under the influence of eggnog, strumming a guitar (that's all he could manage with his silver hand) and singing to himself. I smiled through the whole poem, and it's definitely put me in the mood to watch HBP on DVD! :)

Tots eyes all a'glow under the Imperio, Santa on his way, Death Eaters will kill him without delay, and the final "But Merry Christmas to you." were my favorite lines. I'm still snickering over the mental image of glowing-eyed tots.

I noticed the poem was uploaded last Christmas, and you haven't posted anything since, so you might not be interested in concrit--but I'm giving it anyway, just in case you are.

The first line, if you changed sitting to basking it would be much more snake-like. The second line reads "off" a syllable. You're parodying a classic song, so readers will have its rhythm echoing in their heads, and if you took out the "a" and made it Draco's trying on new robes it would flow like the second line of the Christmas song. Jack Frost's nipping at your nose. 

The fifth line down,  Everybody knows the Malfoy Manor parallels Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, so it comes up short. If you made it something like Everybody knows the atmosphere at Malfoy Manor it would "sound" right, for lack of a better phrase.

Near the end, you use kill twice. Although it is five lines apart, not back to back, since this is HP, you could change the second one to AK for Avada Kedavra and make the poem even more merry and bright. 

Happy Christmas, and thank you for sharing this poem!

 

 

Reviewer: ink_daughter
Date: 12/27/08 9:29
Chapter: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

This is awesome!

Author's Response: Why, thank you!

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
At the Battlefront by Nagini Riddle 3rd-5th Years
The Final Battle at Hogwarts rages on as the victims question whether or not...
Crocus by Equinox Chick 3rd-5th Years
Four years after the Battle of Hogwarts, Andromeda Tonks exists only for her...
Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Story by MoRoCcAnAnDpRoUd 6th-7th Years
The year is 1977, and the Wizarding World is in turmoil, but it doesn't really...
FEATURED
My Troubled Tyrant by Belledeg Professors
Keedie Dante has experienced many amazing things during her time at Hogwarts...
His and Hers by Acacia Carter 3rd-5th Years
In a perfect world, Neville and Hannah's wedding would go off without a hitch...
All This Waiting For The Sky To Fall by Dawnie 1st-2nd Years
They found her body - broken, bleeding, face filled with signs of pain and fear...
Sanguini, the Vampire by teh tarik 6th-7th Years
Vampirism is the persistence and the perpetuity of the body, a madness of the...
Lost and Found by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 3rd-5th Years
When Tracey Davis's financial security was a casualty of war, her family is...
CATEGORIES