I was perusing your author page, and this story caught my eye.
That was such a beautiful, sad story! I loved all of the flashbacks Tonks had. It was really cool to see all of her encounters with Remus over the years. I especially liked how you characterised Andromeda and portrayed her relationship with Tonks. I thought it was interesting that Andromeda never said she regretted having left, just that she never stopped loving them and felt it was time to come back. It seemed like her personal ambitions overruled her love for her family for a time, which I think is an appropriately Slytherin characteristic.
‘Why did I decide to wear panty hose?’ I was confused in this sentence and the paragraph following. Why was Tonks wearing Muggle business clothes at work at the Ministry? I would have thought she’d be wearing robes.
Turning away from the window, Tonks reached to finger one of the bulbs, but as she touched the shiny, metallic surface, one of the pine needles sliced her finger. I realised by the end of the sentence, and it’s made clear later in the paragraph, that here Tonks is touching a bulb ornament on a Christmas tree, but at first I was confused, and I think it would be more clear if that were mentioned right at first, maybe by saying “one of the bulbs on the Christmas tree”?
I thought you did the arguments between Tonks and Remus really well, especially the last one. I like the way she acts childish on purpose to get him to actually show emotion.
‘I suggest you grow up and realize you do not get what you want,’ I like this as a parting line for Remus because it’s just so mean and cold, but I think it could be even better if he said “you can’t always get what you want,” just because it sounds a bit smoother to me. But I really like the line.
Great job, Morgan! I really like your writing style, it’s one of those things you can’t quite put your finger on, I just think, oh, this is so great! So I will hopefully come back and read more of your work.
Author's Response: Thanks, Lilu! I wanted Tonks in stodgy Muggle clothes to show how much she's distancing herself from being a witch. She did dress a bit more Muggle like when she was a witch, too, so I didn't think it was to OOC, even though it could be taken that way.
Wow! What a story, MorganRay. I'm glad I picked this up in the review circle. I'm a huge Remus/Tonks fan and this is a totally new take on them - well not so much them but Tonks' relationship with her mum is wonderful.
‘I don’t think of you as damaged. You’re more than your curse,’ Tonks hollered, and then, Remus grabbed her by the arm and drug her behind the Burrow’s shed so they couldn’t be seen. Tonks scowled and said, ‘Are you afraid I’ll make a scene?’
These lines, for me, just encapsulate Tonks and Remus so brilliantly. Fabulous!
I liked Bjorn, he was intriguing. I must look out for him
Okay I do have some nit-picks. basically, there'sd a few Amercanisms that I noticed. 'Mom' for 'Mum' 'asses' for 'arses' and 'panty hose'. We don't have panty hose in Britain - we say tights. However that's all really, really mionr and I'm only saying it because I'm being a pedantic English Chick!
Great story and your characterisation of Tonks was spot on! Carole xxx
Author's Response: Yeah, my British isn't quite up to par, I know. I can't believe I let 'mom' slip through. I guess I tried to really encapsulate the relationship in the last scene where they play in the rain. My whole idea is that Remus runs away from that moment while Tonks embraces it. Also, Bjorn appears in Winter's Last Chill, and I kind of brought him back in because he was the perfect OC for that moment. Thanks!
The way you highlighted the times was different. I’ve never seen that used in fan fiction before but, nevertheless, it was effective. It gave me a bit more sense of … being in the story I suppose. Being there with Tonks, monitoring her thoughts… Plus, we got a feeling for the speed in which time was passing.
The thing that stood out to me most about this chapter was the italicised speeches. Like, when Tonks thinks back to what Dumbledore said, his words were in italics. When I read those bits, in my mind, I could here the specific character’s voice, but it echoed through my brain, and sounded like something from the past. And you know, when we think back to things that have happened in RL, the voices do echo, so it worked well.
I’ve never read a story in which Andromeda isn’t with Ted for the whole course of Tonks’ childhood, nor where Tonks doesn’t like her mother. It’s a sad thought, and I personally find that scenario hard to believe, but there’s nothing to contradict it in canon, so it’s fine. I think it’ll be interesting to see how this notion plays with Tonks’ emotions during the course of the story.
‘Don’t start calling me that just because she’s back!’ Tonks spat at her father. She shook her head and stared down at the pathetic woman. ‘I was here. I cared enough for Sirius to be here.’
This part shows a lot about the family. Though, before I went onto Tonks’ bit I thought it was Andromeda speaking. It shows how all the relationships work. Ted and Tonks are probably close, but Ted loves Andromeda still. Or he respects her at least. It shows us a snippet of Ted’s personality as well, which I like.
I have a couple of nit-picks:
She hopped up on a stool and began to use the tolerance she built up during many an auror party. - ‘auror’ should be capitalised. And ‘up on to’ would sound better.
Looking around at the empty pub, Tonks felt awkward sitting at the empty bar. - the repetition of ‘empty’ is distracting. How about ‘vacant’ or ‘bare’ to replace one of them?
Other than that, good story so far.
Author's Response: Thank :) I developed the Andromeda plotline in Winter's Last Chill, and after DH, I don't necessarily buy my own interpretation of Andromeda being absent through Tonks's childhood. I took the absent Andromeda idea from OotP when Tonks seems obviously a bit hostile towards her mother. I just never saw the two of them as getting along, and considering she calls herself 'Tonks' after her dad's surname, I just kind of figured that was an indication of a strained relationship.