MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For One True Love

Name: Wenlock (Signed) · Date: 03/15/14 18:25 · For: One True Love
I really liked this!

Name: Snowlily (Signed) · Date: 07/29/11 10:46 · For: One True Love
That was sweet! So good and well written and imaginitive.

Name: violetta (Signed) · Date: 02/01/09 1:30 · For: One True Love
Oh! How sweet, I didn't think that such a touching family memory could be created that involved the Malfoys!

Name: XhayleeXblackX (Signed) · Date: 01/06/09 21:50 · For: One True Love
Leah, my dearest,

She had felt a bit unseemly when she’d gone alone to the shop to be fitted for the robes, but the effect was truly stunning. The material flowed gently along her slight curves, accentuating her figure, while the dark color made the soft pink shades of her skin luminous.

The description in this first paragraph draws the reader in so very wonderfully. I also found the word choice to be very Astoria-like. I’m not really sure how to explain that; it just sounded naturally fitting of the Astoria I picture in my head. Anyway, what I am trying to say is good opening.

As usual, her older sister had expected Astoria to be crushed by this bit of gossip. But not this time. This time it had made Astoria more resolved. Astoria took the small golden comb lying on her table and carefully entwined it in her hair, capturing the upper portions and gently pulling it up, letting the rest of her hair fell gently down to her waist. She smiled happily back at the girl in her mirror, for once secure in the depths of her own beauty.

Leah, I really liked the break in the ‘But not this time.’ line. It was very powerful, however, I have one small nitpick. I think that the next sentence should maybe start a new paragraph to show the break in the train of thought. “time. This time…” I think that there naturally feels like there should be a break here between these two sentences, and a new paragraph is a way to showcase that and add power or emphasis to what you are saying. It is purely up to you, though.

she would do everything in her power to shield her youngest from the poisonous tongue of her eldest.

I loved this line! It is so classic, and very much your style. These are the kinds of lines that make your writing stand out to me. Wonderful.

Pansy had smirked bemusedly behind her grandmother’s back when the old crone had solemnly presented her with it that morning.

If she only knew, Pansy thought, laughing as she recalled her many happy nights in Draco’s arms.

Sometimes, it is scary how much you see characters the way I do! This was just so Pansy to me, and so scandalous and Draco. Your characterization of Pansy in this piece is so very wonderful and much more than what we see in the books. Especially in this line: “Pansy looked at herself in her mirror and puckered her lips, blowing a kiss at the wondrous creature before her.” I thought you had her perfectly depicted here; first as the girl we know in the series and then transforming her into a character with a little more depth.

“Excuse me!” Pansy said loudly, as half of the room turned to stare. “Draco Malfoy, what are you playing at?”

This was also very Pansy. I really loved this, and in my head, I could just hear her shrill voice, and perhaps an emphasis on the ‘are’ in that last question. *winks*

Draco stood by the window, watching the daylight gently fade into dusk, musing sulkily that the draining light was akin to the slow ebbing of his youth.

I just had to tell you how much I liked this. The wording, the characterization, it is all wonderful in this statement.

A couple small nitpicks:

The colour scheme Mrs. Malfoy has selected

‘Has’ should be ‘had’ in this sentence.

Astoria, meantime, coolly bided her time.

This sounded repetitive with the ‘time’. Perhaps you could change ‘meantime’ to ‘meanwhile’ to allow for a little easier flow and to avoid repetition? Just a suggestion though.

Well, dear, I think that you did really good with your characterization in this piece, especially since we see so little of Pansy in the books, and nothing of Astoria. I also rather liked Draco in this, and you know how sensitive I am of my Malfoy. Seriously, though, you did wonderful with these characters.

The only thing that I can really comment on is that I really wanted to see that conversation with Pansy! I would have killed to see her reaction to all of this, and Astoria’s as well, for that matter. Funnily, I can sort of see Pansy throwing a punch or two at Draco, and perhaps at his new lover, too.

The ending was sweet, though. I do love Lucius and Narcissa and the idea that they had had a similar beginning was so sweet. Overall, I think you have a lovely little one-shot here, and a cute entry to the Winter Snows challenge.

Keep writing! You should really think about doing more Draco/Astoria or Draco/Pansy, you did them so very well here.



Name: Indigoenigma (Signed) · Date: 12/27/08 13:08 · For: One True Love
Oh! What a sweet story!

After JK Rowling announced that Draco had, in fact, not married Pansy, but some girl named Astoria instead, I’ve loved the speculation about how they might have been introduced/gotten together. I’ve read numerous stories – some good, some not – but I find myself extremely fond of the story that you have written, here. All three of the characters seemed to be quite well characterized. Although I do not really have a frame of reference for Astoria, you’ve depicted her somewhat like Narcissa (which is made all the more obvious at the end). I like the parallels between them and I believe that Draco would have been attracted to someone like his mother.

Astoria stared blankly at her, before saying to Draco, “Don’t you think you are a bit remiss in your hostly duties, Draco?” She boldly ignored the sharp intake of breath from Pansy.

That line, I think, was really indicative of Astoria’s personality. The words make it seem remarkably like Narcissa could have been saying them, but the description of Astoria being “bold” makes the line belong to her. Personally, although Narcissa has a lot of courage, I envision her more as “cunning” rather than “bold.” It probably has to do with her very Slytherin tendencies (at points), but that’s just how I categorize the both of them.

Structurally, I liked the switching perspectives at the beginning. By doing that, the reader is able to get more of an insight into the psyches of Astoria and Pansy. If the entire story had been from one point of view, the characterization probably would have been fine, but it would have gotten rather muddled and confusing - especially, then, when it came to what Draco was thinking later. With regards to the perspective, one thing that I kind of wished for while reading was for the perspectives to continue switching at the ball. You do this slightly, but what I was really hoping for was a switch immediately after the kiss into Pansy’s thoughts, again. Although it isn’t necessary for there to be one, I thought that the flow was a tad bit rushed at the end and it could have been slowed down just a little with some more introspection.

“Excuse me!” Pansy said loudly, as half of the room turned to stare. “Draco Malfoy, what are you playing at?”

That line made me giggle. It’s just so Pansy to completely interfere with whatever Draco is doing. I could really picture the scene playing out just like that. Perfectly hilarious. The one thing about the line is I just sort of wonder if Pansy would really excuse herself before interrupting. Stylistically, I think that it has to be there (the reader gets more of an impression about what she’s doing and the following line describes the room), but I think that Pansy might have been shocked enough just to start shouting at Draco.

I thought that the ending was especially sweet – and the parallels between Lucius/Narcissa and Draco/Astoria just made me think, “Aww…” I like your interpretation of how Narcissa and Lucius became engaged – much nicer than the usual Pureblood arranged marriage situation.

Overall, I enjoyed the story. It was very sweet and touching – just the right thing to bring a smile to my face over the holidays.


Name: captburke (Signed) · Date: 12/26/08 0:08 · For: One True Love
Well done!

Name: JustLikeHermione77 (Signed) · Date: 12/23/08 18:16 · For: One True Love
good story!

You must login (register) to review.