I really enjoyed this story. I love how it's Next Gen, but you don't throw it in our faces--we get to know the characters on their own terms, not as Albus-Harry-and-Ginny's-son or whatever. And your OCs were fantastic. I love fiery-tempered Renee and jesting Edward who wants to become a professor. I also like that this is definitely Next Gen, teacher-wise; McGonagall's gone, the only Trio-era professor still there is Hagrid (who, let's face it, will be there to his dying day).
The plot was great, as well; there was never a dull moment, and the ending was perfect.
One thing that bothered me was that the ball was the "first annual Yule Ball." I think the Yule Ball is a tradition linked to the Triwizard Tournament; even if it's not, it's not the first Yule Ball that has been held at Hogwarts. But other than that, great story.
This is such a nice start to the story, Ayra. You have stuck to the 'melting heart' theme really nicely.
Some strengths I noticed that you exhibited in this chapter:
1. consistent characterization - So many of them are OCs, but you seem to have planned them out well.
2. good, snappy dialog that goes a long way in supporting your characterization and keeping things interesting between your keys players
One thing that I found a little unsettling as I read this chapter was Edward's use of the word 'doll' when we addressed Renee. It almost seemed too...American. However, I guess if it's a way he tries to form a connection with her then it makes sense he would use it. It was just funny when I was reading because I had a certain picture of Edward in my head as I was reading. As soon as he called her 'doll,' he immediately morphed in Humphrey Bogart in my mind's eye. :)
Can't wait to read on!
Author's Response: Professor Laura! :]
Thank you for the lovely review. I'm glad that you liked my characters.
About Edward's choice of words - that's just the way he talks. He's very confident in himself, and a rather outspoken person in general.
I hope you'll like the rest! :]
Hey darl, *hugs back* your welcome. *Jaw on the ground* when I read the summary in the title help, I knew it would be good, but wow, that was amazing. I don't blame you for not wanting to give up on your characters. I know that if you did write something about them I'd read it. Their really good, and Edward is so sweet.
I did notice something though, "and this time Edward’s moth dropped open" *prays she didn't put everything in bold...again* I think you ment mouth, not moth.
Well done Arya.
This is a good story. I do admire writers who can write with total conviction using OCs. I can't seem to do that at all. I like Renee and Edward very much. I'm definitely going to read the rest of this when it gets validated.
I do have some nitpicks. *sorry being Scrooge*
Some of your language is quite American. I know Renee is American, so that's fine but I don't think Edward would refer to the holiday as 'break'. “My mum says that you can come over break. If you want,” he added, looking hopeful.
He'd be more likely to say "come over the Christmas holiday." Sorry, that's very minor - it's the Brit in me.
The other nitpick is that you've got the characters 'rolling their eyes' quite a bit. Be careful, because if a phrase is overused, it loses its impact. It hasn't yet but I would try not to use it too much. There's a certain character in the banned book *grins* that is continually rolling his eyes and after a while it detracts from the story.
I did enjoy this and am looking forward to the Yule Ball. Carole xxx
Author's Response: Hey Carole.
Thanks for the advice on Brit-speak. I appreciate it, as I'm not British myself. And I don't think that I've got everyone rolling their eyes quite as much in the next two chapters :]
Thanks for the review! *hugs*