Interesting chapter. Not sure if I believe that Sev would tell Narcissa and Reg who he wishes to pursue, but it is a thoughtful premise.
I like how you have Regulus craving stability.
Author's Response: Severus, despite everything, is desperate at this point. If he wants his plan to work, he needs support and backing - and the two people that he thinks could be most reliable in his year are Narcissa and Regulus. And it does become interesting with Regulus craving stability - after all, he lived with Sirius!
I like the dialog between Lily and Severus especially the part where he asks her if she will start calling him Snivellus.
I think the mirror scene with Dumbledore is too much copied. Why is Dumbledore all alone in the room with that mirror. I doubt if he is pining for Arianna or Gellart. (If this happens to be a subplot, I'll reserve judgement). I also find it doubtful that he just sits there and imparts words of wisdom to whatever student that accidentally wanders in. Except for Harry, I'm not sure that Dumbledore takes that much personal attention to his students (imho).
The point is the story needs a reason why Dumbledore is alone with the mirror.
I also think Dumbledore should have given another vision in the mirror. Socks is too much of a repeat. Severus isn't 11. I think Dumbledore could say something general like "I would like to have my entire family celebrate Christmas with me." or even "I wish Hogwart students weren't in such a rush to join Voldemort." With the first statement, Severus could be given a chance to ask why this is impossible and show some compassion or at least think about it.
Author's Response: Part of the story is the mystery, my friend. Dumbledore may or may not have had a reason to be alone with said mirror on his own, particularly if he had any knowledge ahead of time of Snape's arrival. Dumbledore's crafty too - he wants Severus on his side - and he is still wary of Severus and the company he associates himself with. Of course, Dumbledore is a complicated person, and he might have other motives that reach further than one thinks...
This story is heart-wrenchingly sad, and the characters are portrayed so realisticly. I love the way you've incorporated so much of the books into your story, I think you are a beautiful writer.
Author's Response: Why thank you! Much appreciated.
I’m pretty sure the lines at the beginning are quoted from the books (forgive me if I’m wrong, I haven’t checked but they sound so familiar). If they are, you’ll have to highlight them in some way and say where you took them from, else it’s classed as plagiarism. Just thought I’d let you know - I don’t want you to get into trouble.
in this day and age, it got a fellow killed, acting in that way. - the wording seems a little awkward to me. I had to read it a few times until I understood. Might just be me though…
Are you going to begin calling me Snivellus like Potter and the rest of his ego-ridden scumbags do? - I don’t think ‘do’ is necessary to this sentence.
I like Severus’ outburst, but then when Lily goes you say he begins to cry. That seems a bit OOC to me. I think his eyes might sting with tears or something, but I can’t imagine him letting them fall. He’d be annoyed, angry, and bitter. To keep his small remaining pride, he wouldn’t let himself cry.
The other Marauders had all winced with James had gotten slapped - ‘when James had been’.
Your characterisation of Dumbledore was spot on, but I felt as if Severus was a bit rude to him. Well, he was. But I think, even in his school years, Snape would’ve treated Dumbledore with a bigger respect. I loved the scene, but I don’t think Severus would’ve been quite so intense in his anger. He would try to calm himself when faced with the teacher.
Good chapter, all the same; I look forward to seeing how all plays out. xD