Reviews For Heartbeats
Reviewer: fg_weasley
Date: 01/25/09 2:44
Chapter: Sacrifices

[jumps] Mere buddy! :D

So, I wasn't going to do this fic mostly because it has four reviews, one of them SPEW, while my second choice (your SSIV) had only one review. But after much aback forth I went with this one. You did my DADA product, so I figure I could do yours. :D I hope you're all right with this, my dear.

Anyway. On to the review.

First I simply must comment on the summary. I know that's rather odd, because SPEW is about reviewing the story, but I can't resist. You used quotes directly from HP in such a powerful way. You manipulated words that weren't originally your own in such a way that it made them sound entirely different. I have to commend you on that, my dear. Its absolutely stunning and was ultimately the final deciding factor for me to do this story.

The setting in the beginning lent wonderfully to the tone and mood of the overall story. I like the fact that it is snowy and bleak rather than sunny and bright--that would have felt out of place. Conversely, what you have done works really well.

I love the physical descriptions you provide for the reader as well. I can picture the scene clearly as I read, right down to the smoke curling from the chimney. You have a talent for transferring the images in your head to the paper with nearly flawless ability. I love it.

I've never read an Alice and Frank fic before; in fact, I think the only time I've seen them outside of canon is in Marauder Era fics, and only small parts at that. I really like that you decided to take on these characters and their stories, and I think you've done it well.

I know that Alice's maiden name is unknown to us, and I've seen it different ways before--either the author makes it up or else does as you have and places her in a canon family that we don't know much about. I don't think I've ever seen her as a Prewett before, though, and I have to admit I was rather surprised. This means she's related to Molly. I'm not sure how I feel about that; on the one hand, I like it, but on the other I feel that if Alice was a Prewett JKR surely would have informed us of that, wouldn't she? I almost feel that Alice shouldn't be put in this family simply because we know of its connection to Molly Weasley. This would make Neville and Ron related, which I think we would have seen, at least in the Lexicon. However, JKR we also know that a lot of the wizarding families are interconnected, and we found out that Sirius and Molly are related. For all we know, Alice and Molly could have been as well. I'm not saying its an entirely bad thing, but it did make me raise an eyebrow and contemplate it a bit. I personally might have liked it better if she weren't a Prewett, but that is merely opinion.

I think you've taken Alice's character and shaped her really well for this. She and Frank both have personality and dimension that we don't get to see in canon. Well done. I also liked the dialogue about what sort of people Frank and Alice were and how their friends admired their selflessness. It shows both their characters as well as your understand of their characters. It really gave a lot to the both of them as well as just the fic in general.

Stress had never been more common, tempers broke like glass on the floor. Harsh words were handed out freely like coupons to an ice cream parlour. Tears seemed to be contagious. Same with the feeling of drowning in grief.

[sigh] I simply love this, my dear. Such wonder use of literary devices. I especially like the ice cream simile; taking something generally used to bring joy and comparing it to such an opposite. The effect is brilliant. I also like this because it works as a reminder that, while the moment is happy, a war is still raging. Nice job on the connection.

nitpicks:

There was one house, though, that appeared to be bursting with it, desperately wishing that someone would share it with them.

As you started a new paragraph here, I would mention what 'it' is once again so as to remind your reader. It adds to the flow as well; too many pronouns throws off the rhythm.

He’d looked at her, his face serious, his eyes burning with love and desire and he’d said the most magical thing she’d ever heard.

I think there should be a comma after 'desire'.

The only other thing I want to comment on is your OCs. Now, you know what I fan I am of OCs, but I do believe that in fanfic there can be such a thing as too many. Especially when you introduce them all so quickly as you did here. It probably would have been better if there appearances had been more spaced out. It is easier to keep track of who's who that way. Also, adding in a few more canon characters, even minor ones, might have helped as well. It wouldn't have felt so overwhelming that way. The reader could have been better connected and easier grounded with at least another canon character or else with your OCs separated. The intros felt choppy and rushed, especially because most of them were just a mention almost in passing, and I just think it might have been better to slow down, explain, and let your reader get a grip on things.

All in all, I really enjoyed this, my dear. Like I said, I really admire that you took on a fic centered around Frank and Alice. I love the concept and I think it will turn out really well. You've given Frank and Alice both so much personality, and choosing to begin on their wedding day was a very smart move. I love the way this looks so far and I can't wait to see where you take it. There is so much potential here, keep it up!

[hugs]

xox
nikki :D

Author's Response: -facepalm- I can't believe I didn't respond to this before! >.< Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nikki dear, for your long, thoughtful, wonderful review. :D I'm really glad that you like the summary, because I was pretty iffy on it. In regards to Alice's madien name . . . I actually was just going to pull something out of the air, but then I happened to be scrolling through her thread in the Minor Character section of the Character Clinic, and someone made a post saying that Jo said that she was related to the Prewetts and had suggest that her maiden name was Prewett. -shrugs- So, I just went with that. Thanks for you nitpicks, hon, I'll fix those. Meh. I had wondered if the OCs were too much, but neither of my betas said anything, and I figured that it was a wedding, which to me equals lots of friends. Maybe I'll try to re-work it a little . . . Thank you so much for your review; it's making me grin like crazy all over again, even though it's been forever and a half. -facepalm- again. Reading this makes me want to run and write more of it right now. =) -hugs- xox Mere

Reviewer: jenny b
Date: 12/18/08 4:11
Chapter: Sacrifices

This was so sweet, Mere. I adored it. I’m the biggest romantic in the world, and I just eat up stories like these. Alice and Frank! At their wedding! In the face of danger! You can’t get much more romantic that that. ^_^

You’re amazing at description, dear. The first few paragraphs really pulled me into the story – which surprised me, because I prefer stories that open with a bang. But you set the scene beautifully, and I could practically see the Longbottom mansion bursting at the seams with cheerfulness and people while the rest of the neighbourhood stays miserable.

I loved how you’ve portrayed Alice. I think every girl in the world can relate to her and her dreams of the perfect wedding, and finding the right man to marry. She was so realistic, and you did an excellent job at showing just how incredibly happy she is. I can almost see Alice in her wedding dress, with that huge smile on her face. :)

One thing I would have liked to see, though, were some traits of Neville in his parents. You did a bit in Alice’s looks and attitude, but it would have been nice to see either Frank or Alice a bit more nervous – especially on their wedding day – or a little bit clumsy, even. A little reminder of their future son would have fit this perfectly. It is just the first chapter, though, so Neville-ness could always appear later.

The proposal, too, was just so sweet. This chapter was just drenched in romance and fluff, but it’s good romance and fluff, so well done. I actually made an ‘aww’ noise when Frank proposed, I was that caught up in it.

Your minor characters were a bit hard to keep track of, dear – you introduced all these names at once. In my opinion, you shouldn’t really introduce so many OCs at once – it makes it a lot harder to keep track of names and faces and who did what. You’ve introduced a lot of OCs in one go here – it might have been better to just keep it to a few, and bring in the rest later. I know most of them were necessary for the story, but perhaps you could use names mentioned in canon or something, just to make it easier for your reader to remember.

I liked the last little passage between Alice and Frank, but it would have been nice if you had extended on that a bit more. It was the perfect opportunity for some foreshadowing of what would happen to the couple, and you could have shown Frank’s concern a bit more, so you can really see the extent of his love for his wife. The mood of the last part changes a bit too abruptly, and it doesn’t flow so smoothly.

That said, I really enjoyed this, Mere. It was an absolutely adorable chapter, so thank you very much for allowing me to read it. :)

--Jen

Author's Response: -hitsheadondesk- God, it's only been, what, four months? -facepalm- I don't know why I didn't respond to this earlier . . . Sorry! :o Aw, Jen, you have no idea how much those comments mean to me - about the setting and the romance. -squishes- Thank you so much! Mmm . . . I did worry if I overloaded on OCs, but I *hoped* I could make it work since it is a wedding, and weddings have lots of people and friends . . . >.> I'll try to make Alice and Frank more Neville-esque in the later chapters. Thank you sososososo much for your review, love. It makes we want to go and write a ton of Alice and Frank now. =) Thank you for honoring me by reading and reviewing it. ;D xox Mere

Reviewer: Stubbornly_appeared
Date: 11/12/08 21:29
Chapter: Sacrifices

Wow, I don't think I've ever read an Alice and Frank fic, which is sad, because they deserve so much respect. You've done a really fantastic job setting everything up here. I can't wait for more!

Reviewer: Stubbornly_appeared
Date: 11/12/08 21:28
Chapter: Sacrifices

Wow, I don't think I've ever read an Alice and Frank fic, which is sad, because they deserve so much respect. You've done a really fantastic job setting everything up here. I can't wait for more!

Author's Response: I agree, 'tis sad that there isn't more out there as a tribute to the two of them. -thinks- I've only a read a few fics that mention them as Lily's friends usually, but definitely none that star them. Anyways, thanks a lot! I'm glad you like it. :p -hugs- xo Mere

Reviewer: Equinox Chick
Date: 11/12/08 6:47
Chapter: Sacrifices

Mere
This is a wonderful story. It is so well written and I love the way everything is going so beautifully for them and then you slip in the dark side. Amazingly well crafted opening chapter. *adds to favourites*

And YAY! I'm the first to review *I think*

Author's Response: -hugs glamorous older sister- Yes, you are the first to review! Congrats! And thanks you so much for such a sweet review. I can't stop smiling now. :D Thanks again, Carole! xo Mere

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