Reviews For Apparently Asleep
Reviewer: Rainey_Dae
Date: 12/19/08 21:53
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

and sorry for the double post, but the "for sirius" bit was just brilliant :D

Author's Response: That's one of my favourite bits too!

Reviewer: Rainey_Dae
Date: 12/19/08 21:51
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

Oooh, I love it. I love the different perspective on the houses and snape and I can't wait for the next chapter! (really really like the snape/ lilly's hair) But the picture in the common room was so sad...

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I think the fact that I'm in Hufflepuff is slightly skewing the story *grins*. The bit with Lily's hair was something I thought about a long time ago, before I started writing this, so I'm very pleased you picked that out as one of your favourites.

Chapter 5 is in the queue *fingers crossed* Carole xxx

Reviewer: tonkzie
Date: 12/15/08 10:03
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

lol, its me again. I was obsessed reli bad with them two but how could ya not be...there awsum! can't wait for next chapter and will reveiw that aswell....good faith tonkzie xxxx

Author's Response: Oooooh I have a stalker - lol - . Thank you again. I'm rather obsessed with Tonks and Remus, too. I keep waking up in the night thinking up plots - ha ha. I hope to get the next chapter up soon but I'm waiting on other things in the queue. You could try my other fics *shameless plug*. One's called The Lions of Gryffindor about the Marauders and there's a shorter Tonks fic called Five Weeks.

Carole xxx

Reviewer: tonkzie
Date: 12/13/08 10:17
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

Please please please update as soon as possible, i'm not patience and a story as good as this is so cool....i can hardly explain!! seriously....of all the time i've been here(which is quite long) i've neva read a more gripping nor exciting story. Totally fabby!!! update soon plz. With you in spirit...tonkzie

Author's Response: Thank-you so much. I'm so pleased you're enjoying the story. I really enjoy writing it and seem to be slightly obsessed with all thinks Tonks and Remus at the moment. I will update very soon but I'm just waiting for something else in the queue to get validated or rejected. The next chapter's called Opportunities.

Reviewer: Come_What_May
Date: 12/06/08 8:32
Chapter: Chapter 4 - Grudge Match

I love this story its awesomely awesome

Author's Response: Thank you so much. Wow! *fans face at lovely review* I really enjoy writing it.

Reviewer: inspirations
Date: 11/22/08 10:04
Chapter: Memories and Revelations

Potions made her think of Snape It had shocked - you’ve missed out the full stop.

You know, Carole, I really love this story. I’m enjoying watching your interpretations of the characters blossom, and it is a nice idea that Remus and Tonks knew each other before OotP. And were attracted before then, too.

The part where Snape finds Tonks was very beautiful. Lily inspired her hair, and it reminded Sev of her. It’s quite sad in a way. In fact, I visualise Sev becoming quite a major part in this story, as I imagine Dora will want to know the story behind his reaction to her hair. And she has a question to answer, as I’m sure Snape will have linked Wolfsbane with Remus.

The kiss was unexpected, but I think it’s great that Lupin would feel that way so early on. In later years, he becomes a lot more closed up. Great work!



Author's Response: Thank you, as ever, for the great review. I shall deal with the full stop straight away. I'm very pleased you like her interreaction with Snape, that was a very early part of my plot, based on something in HBP. Mmmm she's not going to get away with Wolfsbane soon is she?
Chapter 4, Grudge Match, is in the queue.

Reviewer: inspirations
Date: 11/19/08 13:43
Chapter: Chapter 2- More of a Miss than a Kiss

She thought about following him to tell him he was mistaken, that the Veritaserum must have made her lie but she know it hadn’t. - 'knew'.

Great chapter - you've left a bit of a cliffhanger, and I want to read on, but I have no time. I loved the twins characterisation, and Charlie's but it made me sad that Tonks would suspect Remus. I'm looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with this story :)



Author's Response: Well she's so loyal to Sirius that she's going to suspect anyone that isn't him, isn't she? I'm sure she'll come to her senses in one way or another. If you read on you may find out *winks* Thank-you for the review- hmmmm will change the error now.

Reviewer: AmayaBlack
Date: 11/18/08 21:18
Chapter: Memories and Revelations

GOD you good. This chapter was good. pretty interestin how is remus who start whi the er..um.. relationship??? Keep the good work

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I'm glad you like the story so far. Their...um...relationship has a few further twists before we get to Order of the Phoenix time.

Reviewer: HarperLee
Date: 11/12/08 17:22
Chapter: Memories and Revelations

You leave us in such suspense!
Artfully done, I am eager for the next installment!

Author's Response: Thank-you so much. I really appreciate people leaving reviews. The next chapter's called 'Grudge Match' and will be entering the queue soon.

Reviewer: lupintonks
Date: 11/10/08 14:41
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

It's a gr8 story. can you please please tell me when the next one's coming? Thanks + keep up the good work

Author's Response: Thank-you so much. The next Chapter's in the Queue so fingers crossed it'll be up soon. Chapter 4's with my beta. The rest is in my head!

Reviewer: tonkzie
Date: 11/01/08 12:30
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

that was wicked. your a great writer. is there gonna be more chapters??

Author's Response: One in the queue, one with my beta, one halfway written about 8 in my head! Thank-you very much.

Reviewer: midnightlily
Date: 10/27/08 12:42
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

it was brilliant!!! no spelling mistakes, which was good and I really liked the way you presented your characters.
Write more soon.

Author's Response: Thank-you! Second chapter is in the queue, third is on its way to my beta, four is in my thoughts every waking moment!

Reviewer: inspirations
Date: 10/25/08 15:17
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

*Glances up at Bine's mega long review* Wow ... no way I can compete with that. Lol. I like the way that Meda still wants to go back and visit Cissy. I think that's a nice touch, and I always felt it was a shame that we never saw much of a relationship between the Black Sisters in the books.  Through the open door he could see Nymphadora skipping back with a handful of biscuits. Her hair was a shock of gold. She caught him looking at her, screwed up her face and instantly it changed to black, like his. He laughed, delighting in his cousin. - I like this bit. You really capture both characters' spirit. I also like the references Tonks makes to 'Nymphadora'. Nice and realistic for her. In fact, I like the whole conversation about names. “It changes colour when I get too excited- it’s quite naughty.” - you made me laugh here, Carole. I've never heard anyone describe hair as if it has a personality. “Really, I’d have thought that too girly for you.”  - very good after the statement she made earlier. Once in the garden she’s run with him to a gap in the fence and urged him to squeeze through -should this be 'she'd'? “Come on, we need to get back or your mum will Crucio me!” - Lol. She smiled mischievously, “Whatever colour I want- but don’t tell Mummy, I hate eggs.” – Very good way to get out of eating them.  “Thish ish sho cool!” – Thish sho reminded me of Roonil. “Oh aren’t you adorable!” – I’d put a comma after ‘oh’. “Sirius,” asked Tonks. “How did the baby get inside Lily’s tummy?” – such a typical question for a kid. :) That’s a really uncool nick-name,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Why did you choose it?” – lol I liked your characterisation of Peter, but I think Lily would know about Remus’ condition. Great work! I look forward to the rest.

Author's Response: Thank-you for the review. It means a lot that people respond and give good constructive criticism and say nice things too. Regarding Lily - she does know he's a werewolf - I obviously didn't make that clear. Hmmm didn't realise it read that way at all. Thanks again.

Reviewer: luinrina
Date: 10/25/08 10:00
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

Carole, this was a great first chapter and a wonderful beginning to a chaptered story. I loved it. It was fantastically written, and really entertaining to read it. I could laugh and giggle and snort and everything – it got me hooked from the first moment on and I enjoyed it immensely.

What surprised me – but made it all more charming – is that you gave Andromeda the nickname of our own beloved Meda. *squishes Meda and Carole* In other stories about Andromeda Tonks I’ve seen her nickname being Andy, but Meda is a really nice and refreshing change.

[…] Nymphadora excited was a wonderful sight to see as her hair kept changing like a kaleidoscope.

This is such a great sentence. It shows perfectly that Tonks, even as a (small) child, had a thing about changing her hair. You didn’t need the word “Metamorphmagus” to explain her powers, but with “changing like a kaleidoscope” it’s already described what you mean because everybody has seen or possessed a kaleidoscope in their life. It’s multicoloured, it’s great and everyone loves a kaleidoscope – exactly like Tonks: multicoloured hair, great personality, and everyone loves her to pieces, like you show later in the chapter, when Lily and the other Marauders come to visit Sirius. She’s just adorable, and I like how you portrayed her as a child. Can’t wait to see how you write her as an adult.

What made me stumble in the above mentioned part of a sentence is the beginning – Nymphadora excited. I honestly had to stop reading and thought, “What?” I went back, believing I misread something. You see, I’d thought it should be “an excited Nymphadora” rather than what you’ve written. It’s not bad how you’ve written it, but in the first moment, I was rather puzzled because I had never before heard or seen it.

But going on: The following dialogue made me laugh out loud. “Where is he, Mum?” – “Probably still asleep,” […] – “I’ve been up for hours!” Ahahahahahahaha, I love the humour you brought into it. *chuckles and reads on*

What gave me some troubles when reading where hyphens and dashes. Sometimes you used hyphens instead of where dashes were needed, like here: But Bellatrix had always had a darker side darker even than black lurking in her eyes, a darkness that repelled Sirius. And when there was need for a hyphen, at least in my opinion, you didn’t either make one, like it should be here: Andromeda looked across at the black-haired young man lounging in an armchair. or you made them but with a space afterwards although there shouldn’t be a space, like here: Then try this, my little partner-in-crime. Of course, especially with the second example I might be mistaken; in that case please ignore me. :o But this kind of “mistakes” (for lack of a better word) disturbed me a bit. It’s not grave, but it let me stumble over the text more than once, forcing me to go back a paragraph to reread it much slower to get the sentences because my mind was busy with solving the riddle of “dash or hyphen?”. I really suggest you space the dashes from the surrounding texts, much similar as to how I do it even within this review, and look into not spacing hyphens.

And I noticed two other small mistakes:

I don’t know really know either. – Shouldn’t that be with only one “know”?

Nymphadora, why don’t you go and find some biscuits. – This is, as far as I know, a question. Therefore it should have a question mark rather than a period at the end of the sentence.

[…] we have nicknames.”
“What are they?” she enquired.
“James is Prongs, Remus is Moony and Peter is Wormtail,” he replied.
“What silly names. I’d rather be something cool. What do they call you?” she asked.
“Padfoot. Is that cool?” He widened his eyes imploringly in what he hoped was a cute manner.
She considered. “S’okay I suppose. Better than Moony- that’s just silly!”
Sirius chuckled, “Remus will be so pleased to hear that.”

*snorts* That’s so adorable. I can really feel that she hates her given name and wants to be called differently. And this small part also shows that you know how children of that age can be. It’s really realistically written, and mixed with a humorous touch which makes it just adorable.

What I also loved was the flashback. The Black Family and stories about them are my favourites, and reading a small flashback with Sirius as a child was extraordinary. But two small nitpicks I have found and want to share with you: Sirius’ mother’s name is Walburga, and in this sentence, there should be a comma after “no”: No, he can’t.

And another thing I noticed: punctuations. There were some places (two or three I believe) where there was a period missing at the end, and some quotation marks were off – either set in the wrong place or missing or opening instead of closing. Have a look out for that one. It’s not grave or bad, but for someone like me who tends to carefully check the punctuation when reading, it was annoying when seeing something off and not being able to go and edit it. lol

Another laughable scene was when Sirius learnt Lily is pregnant and Tonks asks how the baby comes into her belly. *gigglesnorts* Just too adorable – I see why Lily had difficulties staying all composed and not saying “Aww, she’s so adorable” but rather “Wow, you’re cool, kid.” LOL Greatly done, I really like it. And I like it even more that you’ve written it with this humorous touch. This is what makes the chapter so entertaining to read.

But the end gets darker and a lot sadder, and in my opinion it beautifully ends a great first chapter. The last paragraphs and scenes are indicating that something’s wrong with Peter, and no one other than a six year old child picks it up. I’m always surprised at what children notice whereas we adults are blinded already and don’t see it because we just can’t see it. The same with how Tonks saw Peter and Sirius’ reaction towards it:

“I’d like to see Lily again,” she murmured.
“Not the others?” he said.
“Well,” she said, turning her head to one side as she considered. “James was funny, but...”
“What is it? Are you scared of something, Tonks?”
She looked up at him, her big dark eyes looked slightly fearful.
“Is it Moony?” he said, wondering how on earth she’d managed to pick up that he was a werewolf and wondering how the hell he was going to explain to her that he wasn’t scary.
“No,” she replied. “It wasn’t Moony- he just seemed sort of sad.” She paused. “It was Peter.”
“Peter,” he said laughing. “He wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

It makes me happy to know that at least someone was there who noticed Peter’s oddness, but at the same time I’m sad that little Tonks will never see Lily and James again. And now you’ve done it; I’m crying over the end of your story! *sniefs, sobs, cries* See it as a compliment that I could get emotionally touched which doesn’t happen with every fanfiction I read – only the better ones.

Carole, I can only repeat what I already said at the beginning: that’s a fantastic first chapter, and I can’t wait to go on with chapter two. *squishes*

~Bine

PS: This review is long enough to be a one-shot itself. It’s over 1,200 words long. O.O Hehee… *skips off hurriedly*

Author's Response: Awwww! Thank-you. Firstly thank-you so much for your nit-picks. To be honest I have no idea what the difference is between a hyphen and a dash (Oh the shame!) and yes you're right about the missing question marks and stuff. I shall look into that and re-edit. I'm glad you liked Tonks as a child. Some of those things she said came directly from my daughters mouth (she's 6 and "'lergic to eggs") and the bit where James says "Very carefully" about the baby getting into Lily's tummy was a direct quote from my husband (ha ha) I can't believe I got Walburga's name wrong- that is rubbish and shall be amended post-haste! You've written a one shot for a review- WOW! Glad you liked 'Meda' as her nickname I always think 'Dromeda' sounds awful. Thank-yo again- marvellous review.

Reviewer: Come_What_May
Date: 10/24/08 22:18
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

Oh wow this story ia Amazingly written the last paragraph made cry. keep it up

Author's Response: OOOH- Thank-you. You're response has made me smile. More Chapters on the way.

Reviewer: Calico
Date: 10/23/08 17:12
Chapter: Chapter 1- Cool!

This beginning was both sweet and sad - I wish Tonks could have known Sirius longer. I love reading Tonks/Remus, and I want to see the influence Sirius-in-Azkaban will have on their relationship. Update soon!

Author's Response: Thank-you so much for the review. There are a few more chapters in the pipeline and lots more Sirius!

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