At the same moment, - I think this would be better as, ‘In the same moment’.
Bine! I loved this. The way you use the language is beautiful, and I loved the ideas you used.
‘I thank you, oh wise raven of glen, Lady Rowena. I shall proceed to complete my own part of the wall.’- I like the concept of each founder having a wall to build, that, to me, really makes the castle the work of all four. The way you began the beginning with the description of building a wall - that was a good way of setting the scene. It really drew me in.
I’m assuming that Rowena’s pregnant by her body language. It’s a nice idea, and I’m assuming the Grey Lady would be the daughter of Salazar and Ravenclaw.
The chemistry between all the characters was excellent - I look forward to the chaptered story.
Author's Response: Thanks, inspirations! *hugs* And about Rowena being pregnant, yes. Is it Helena? *smiles mysteriously* All shall be revealed in the chaptered sequel.
Greetings, buddy! lol.
I have never, ever read historical fanfiction. Not even in drabbles, I don’t think. This was definitely a good fic for my first venture into the genre. It never occurred to be that Hogwarts would have to have been built, but of course that should be obvious. I like the way you have them all building a part of the school, together, yet separately, each giving his or her own piece. It was definitely a good point in time to explore, and the picture you painted seemed true enough. The descriptions in the first few paragraphs, especially, were very well-written.
The wall of something huge. The wall of something magnificent. The wall of the manifestation of a shared dream.
I love the repetition of these sentences. They all say something different, yet entirely the same. It makes the ‘wall’ much more than just that, and I you utilized a great literary device in a good way here.
Like I said, I’ve never read Historical fiction. Still, I think you captured all four personalities well. They fit perfectly in the time period they should, not only in the manner in which they spoke, but in their actions as well. You showed that once they were joined, all four of them, Salazar included, and I actually didn’t think of him as Slytherin. Not Slytherin, but Salazar, and I think it takes something well-characterized to accomplish that, so good job, buddy. :D
Godric was perhaps the best characterized, though, and I think that is merely due to the fact that he had the most ‘screen time.’ lol. The letter at the end definitely lent a lot to his character, and I think it was in that letter that his character was at its greatest. There you embodied Gryffindor himself, and what we know makes a Gryffindor at Hogwarts. Grief is always a lovely way to show a person’s true self, and you used that in a wonderful way.
A grave dolour settled over them like a black veil silently falling down from the heavens above.
I just had to point out that I love the simile here. :D
At the same moment, staples of stones were engulfed in a sparkling water fountain that equalled the whirlwinds dancing around them in some distance, lifting, carrying and placing stones one after the other on the steadily growing wall, in power and strength.
It should be ‘equaled’ not ‘equalled’. There is only one ‘l’. Unless two ‘l’s is the British spelling, in which case you can ignore what I just said. Lol.
‘You should not overstrain yourself. I worry about your wellbeing,’ he leaned closer and whispered in her ear.
I’m fairly certain that well-being is hyphenated, but I’m not positive. I think, but I could be wrong. Also, the tag is kind of awkward. The act of speaking should come first and then the action, so that instead it is more like ‘he whispered in her ear as he leaned closer.’ Or, if you put it before the speech it could read, ‘Leaning closer, he whispered in her ear…’
‘A kind gesture of friendship from an even kinder man of deeds, oh Salazar Slytherin,’ Rowena said when the breeze has died once again.
The verb tense is off in this sentence; it should be ‘had’ not ‘has’ because everything else is in past and not present tense.
There was a slight POV change here:
He looked into her icy blue eyes. They shone in a soft gleam that threatened to drown him. But he could not tear his gaze away, captivated by those mesmerising eyes.
The POV had been in the woman’s until this paragraph, when you dip into the emotions of the man. It is really the second sentence that creates this switch because it talks of threatening to drown him. It is good wording, but not something an onlooker would be able to comment on. The third sentence is a bit tricky, it could go either way.
I believe that was all the nitpicks I had. Overall, I found it a very enjoyable read. You write historical fiction well, and now I understand why you seem to like the genre well. It is like me with Marauder Era or the Black brothers. You understand it and you are able to re-create it in a very believable way.
Author's Response: Thank you, Nikki, thank you for this great review! *huggles* I shall attempt ironing out the mistakes shortly. About "equalled" - I have no idea, lol. I have to ask Meda or Ruth first. Same with "wellbeing". And *headdesk* about the "has". And the POV change... *shrugs* I'll think about it.
Thanks again. *pickles*
Well, since you asked, Bine, I shall attempt to remember the points I made in my original review.
First, the line I meant about Godric/Helga/baby thing was:
‘He died a mere fortnight after having seen the light of day.’
I originally thought that perhaps Godric was in love with Helga, and was not celebrating the fact that his wife bore him a son for that reason, but then BAM you had that line, and it really shocked me. But in a good way. :)
And now for those nitpicks:
Rowena said when the breeze has died once again.
I think it should be "the breeze had died" because otherwise you're switching tenses.
taking a break to anew their not-so-secretive passion?
Here, I think "renew" instead of "anew" would work better, because it sounds a little strange as is.
Jeremiyah of the clan of Smyth does have his share of fears. If he does, he does so with heart and soul
This line was a little confusing, I'm not sure what you meant, aside from the fact that Jeremiyah cares for Helga.
‘The flames did take his soul, did they not?’
Godric looked up to where Salazar still stood next to them all. ‘Yes,’ he simply mouthed.
I liked this- it emphasizes the strong bond between Salazar and Godric- after all they were the best of friends.
So, I shall definitely check out your drabble thread and as I said before, I think this is going to be really interesting- certainly an original spin on the Founders.
Author's Response: Thanks for remembering those nitpicky points, Eve. They definitely helped me, and I shall edit them as soon as possible. *hugs* And =D I'm happy you liked it and want to check out my drabble thread.
Well, I had written a long detailed review, and somehow I lost the entire thing when I pressed Submit. So here it goes again.
LOVELY job, Bine! This was beautifully written, and absolutely fascinating. I will certainly anticipate your series.
I had several nitpicks, but they're really not important.
And the part about Godric's son was so sad! I thought at first that Godric might be in love with Helga and consquently not celebrate the whole son thing, but then you put that line in there, and I was like WOW... it was really powerful, IMO. And so sad. Good job.
And wooot someone else whose read the Silmarillion!
Lovely story, and I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Aww. *hugs* But thanks for your lovely review, Eve. *is happyful* And every nitpick is helpful, so don't say they're not important.
But a question in return: Which line do you mean? PM me if you like. And yes, I read and LOVED the Silmarillion.
Also, the first chapter of the next fic in the Valara series is as good as finished. If you like, you'll find, in the meantime, some snippets of the coming story in my drabble thread in TTB as well as in my homework thread in the DADA class I'm taking (DADA First Years).
So beautifully written. I can't wait for the Valara series. I find this is the first Founders story that I have been truly interested in, and the idea that they each control one of the four elements is fascinating. I never thought of that before.
Author's Response: *blushes* Thank you, Bella. I'm happy that you liked it and that you're excited for the next story to come. Know that the first chapter of the second fic is as good as finished and will then go to my beta. In the meantime, there are some snippets of the coming story in my drabble thread in TTB as well as in my homework thread in the DADA class I'm taking (DADA First Years).