Reviews For Pained Love
Reviewer: AliKt716
Date: 10/17/08 17:25
Chapter: Chapter one: Eye's

I think that your story has a very good beginning idea. The start of this chapter was very very good. You had good choice of words and the style was very nice. However, when you started a new format in the sixth paragraph it got very rough. I'm nearly halfway through the first chapter, but there's some issues with clarity. You should try adding more detail about what is happening currently in your story right that second. The first misunderstanding I had was when you described Acenith wearing the long coat. Tom doesn't notice Acenith until a few paragraphs after that, and we really have no idea who Acenith is. I think your comment on her clothing would have been a good introduction to her character, but instead you went on to talk about the platform, and I felt kind of abandoned and left in the dark. The next part I noticed was the woman knocking over the boy's trolley. You said that Tom's trolley had less than half of the boy's belongings, and it took me a minute to figure that out. Then, when you started the next part in the Great Hall, I think you have some point of view errors, maybe you could check that out? I do, however, think that you have some excellent ideas and have made a nice start. I'm excited to read the rest, but I do think that you could work on making everything more clear.

Author's Response: Thank you for this, I will go and look through and adjust. Thank you. Nik x

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Chocolate Frog by L A Moody 3rd-5th Years
Amid the desolation of Diagon Alley, a tiny ray of hope lay buried. Nothing...
I Suspect Nargles by foolondahill17 3rd-5th Years
“No one’s ever kissed me before…. What is one to do now?” An extensive...
The Life and Times of Linnea Potter by Cantatrix 1st-2nd Years
Linnea Potter has lived under the tyranny of her relatives for the better part...
FEATURED
Glass over the Flame by the opaleye 3rd-5th Years
Harry, Hermione, and the moments in between. He doesn’t say that this...
Tom Riddle and the Chamber of Secrets by CanisMajor 3rd-5th Years
What really happened the last time someone let the Basilisk out? Harry Potter...
Red Squirrel/Sun Rises by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
+ He wouldn't celebrate his birthday, but his son had other ideas. + This was...
Sybill Trelawney and the Unexpected Gift by Squibstress 3rd-5th Years
Sybill Trelawney learns to live with her Inner Eye, cooking sherry, and Minerva...
Pat-a-Cake by foolondahill17 1st-2nd Years
Molly Weasley II, called Pat, and twenty-one lot and little-known facts. Or...
Wood by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
Marcus Flint, the infamous Super Seventh Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch...
CATEGORIES