MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
10/17/08 17:25 · For:
Chapter one: Eye's
I think that your story has a very good beginning idea. The start of this chapter was very very good. You had good choice of words and the style was very nice. However, when you started a new format in the sixth paragraph it got very rough. I'm nearly halfway through the first chapter, but there's some issues with clarity. You should try adding more detail about what is happening currently in your story right that second. The first misunderstanding I had was when you described Acenith wearing the long coat. Tom doesn't notice Acenith until a few paragraphs after that, and we really have no idea who Acenith is. I think your comment on her clothing would have been a good introduction to her character, but instead you went on to talk about the platform, and I felt kind of abandoned and left in the dark. The next part I noticed was the woman knocking over the boy's trolley. You said that Tom's trolley had less than half of the boy's belongings, and it took me a minute to figure that out. Then, when you started the next part in the Great Hall, I think you have some point of view errors, maybe you could check that out? I do, however, think that you have some excellent ideas and have made a nice start. I'm excited to read the rest, but I do think that you could work on making everything more clear.
Author's Response: Thank you for this, I will go and look through and adjust. Thank you.