extended review--trying to go beyond I love it
James: The first impression I had was that Harry's pensieve memories CANT time travel. However it made such a powerful and yet believable change in James that it just has to be accepted. I always imagined that James would begin his change during his 6th year so it was a minor shock that it actually happend during 5th year OWLS. Anyway, from then on James is believable as the Gryffindor that Harry admires. And although I like him, I wonder if we should be getting flashbacks of James when he was a prat. Perhaps instances of bullying when the victim wasn't Snape.
I like how in chap 2 you have James acting gentlemanly by covering Lily with a blanket and gitly by asking Lily for a date.
McGonagall: I think is a little off. She comes barging into chapter 1 and then leaves. Did she even tell James to go to M Pomphrey? In one sense, I can understand this because she has Dumbledore present and maybe she needs time to set up the appointment, but after Dumbledore leaves she doesn't even give them detention. You have Frank bringing up the werewolf incident which is good for Frank's character but makes McGonagall look less competant.
This is awkward mainly because of canon putting the werewolf trick before Snape's worst memory. I think Sirius should have been expelled at this point but JKR disagrees. I believe you did have James taking full responsibility for this which I suppose would give Sirius a reprieve.
Another thing that is odd about McGonagall is she doesn't retrieve Snape's things when he runs off. I understand why you have Lupin do it (as to some testiment to his character) but it still seemed odd Lupin had the wand overnight to the next day. Since he was talking to Dumbledore, he could have given it to him, but then maybe Dumbledore told him this was a prefect duty.
Lupin: I liked Remus' anger about his hopelessness. It sounds like something someone would say when they have let themselves down. I like the idea of him tentatively pursueing a relationship with Mary. However my prediction is that Mary can't accept that he is a werewolf, (not that she thinks he Dark, just her fear) which paves the way for Lupin to reject Tonks in the future.
Peter: You only have hints of his past. The idea that McGonagall doesn't think he's important obviously has a more profound effect than the other three friends suppose. The Bowtruckle plan does show that Peter is clever and that he does yearn for recognition.
Snape: In the books Snape says nothing after calling Lily a mudblood; it's like he's given up hope. What isn't noticed in the books is at this point in the story, Snape has his wand but doesn't use it. However it is a subtle point that I will let you ignore. However the yelping like a wounded animal doesn't work for me.
The idea that Snape would leave his wand to search for Lily is somewhat believable although I don't think he would chase her in broad daylight where people could see him.
Snape brooding and blaming James--I can see that.
Sirius: I like the way you make Sirius reckless. No mother would really want her son behaving like he did in the park. So on one level her anger at Sirius makes sense; on the other hand what mother hexes her kid? The idea of Regulus trying to stop his mom shows how abusive she really is. As I mentioned before I'm glad you didn't make Regulus a prat.
I also like how you make him rationize things after the fact, such as telling Lupin it was a brilliant idea not to hex Snape's wand because it would still mess up his head and the Marauders wouldn't be in trouble.
Lily: As Snape rightly thinks, the lady doth protest too much. I like how you have her revisit some of her memories with Snape and evaluate them differently, however I also think she should remember better times with Snape and have her wonder why he wants to be a Death Eater. Her fainting after saving James seems wrong. Lily doesn't seem to be the type to have 'the vapors'. Now if this fainting thing actually means something else, then I will be patient. (I can see the need for you to get her into the infirmary but...). I also like how she cares; how she doesnt tell James about his mother in pain probably because she doesn't want to interfer and maybe she wants to respect the mom's wishes.
Plus there are other things that I liked:
A younger Poppy! Who da thought?
the bets going on as to why the DADA would leave.
the personality you gave the fat lady.
I originally thought Hereford would know of Slughorn? But then I did the math. The wife was 54 when she had James presumably in 1960. She would have been born in 1906. starts hogwarts in 1917.
When Martha kissed James, I thought Sirius' jealousy was about James having a girlfriend (the idea of friends first, not slash). But got it when I reread it.
Author's Response: Thank you. That's a great review. Lots for me to ponder on. Right, James the bully is something I don't always buy into (I AM biased I should say). We do only see one incident and I agree that they're jerks but as Sirius and Remus tell Harry, Snape never lost an opportunity to hex James either. I know they get detentions for hexing other people but then so did Fred and George and no one goes on about them being bullies. I do trust Lily's opinion on them, but she's never as hard on Sirius as she is on James.
McGonagall and the wand - She didn't realise he lost it because he dropped it in the grass. Lupin forgot he had it because he was brooding about the incident, his possible detention and then his outburst in the office. Plus I'd already written The Wand chapter in my head. *grins*. McGonagall doesn't give them detention because she takes lots of points off them instead (and Snape had called Lily a Mudblood which McGonagall would hate). Yes, she could have done both but I didn't want to write yet another Marauder prank/detention story. As far as the werewolf incident goes. I will be alluding to it in a later chapter. This story was originally a oneshot based on SWM but it mushroomed and as you said it takes place before the SWM incident. There are some EXCELLENT fics on the board which deal with the reason Sirius wasn't expelled and Dumbledore must have had a good reason.
I have to say if my son behaved like Sirius in the park, I wouldn't be too hard on him. (been there done that)If it was my daughter however...
Peter- there will be a lot more about him coming up. I've only scratched the surface wih him and Remus but it's a Marauder fic and they're Marauders.
Snape - In The Prince's Tale we only get to see the memories that Snape gives to Harry. He might have spoken to Lily again. Infact it's highly likely they did talk at some point. I doubt he'd have given up that easily. As for yelping like a wounded animal - he does do that in the books when Lily and James have been killed (scene with Dumbledore)
Lily fainting. It wasn't an attack of the vapours. It was because she'd been in the water and giving mouth to mouth. She blacked out because she was exhausted. Sirius had time to recover - she didn't. Well that was my thought anyway. ha ha - just re-read your comment. She's not pregnant! Her broken friendship with Snape won't be forgotten by the way. Snape's still integral to the story.
Remus/Mary - mmmm watch this space. I have another story up on the board about Remus and Tonks - there's a few allusions to this story in that one.
I am pleased you're enjoying the story and giving an intensive review. I always like the chance to debate the minutae with HP fans. Oh and Poppy Pomfrey - heh heh.
Thank you Carole xxx
My review got lost! Just wanted to say that I liked the story you concocted to get Sirius to run away. I also like the fact that you didn't make Regulus so hateful.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this chapter. I had a lot of fun with Jade. I don't think Regulus was ever really 'hateful' just misguided. I like to think that Sirius and Regulus were close. Thanks for reviewing. Carole xxx
THe idea of teenagers hiking is so "70". Good technique. Not a bad way to push Lily and James together. Tho aren't they supposed to wait till their 7th year before dating?
I also like how you have Lily evaluate Severus comments now that the friendship is broken.
Author's Response: They're not dating yet. Long way to go in the story. But it would be odd if Lily 'suddenly' decided to love James after six years of hatred. Thank you for the review. I really appreciate it. Carole xxx
So far I like this story. What you have happening is new and refreshing. (but don't let it go to your head as I don't read that many marauder storys.)
Still all of your characters seem well fleshed out.
Author's Response: Thank you for reading (especially a Marauder doesn't appear to be your thing.) I'm glad you like the characters. This particular chapter was one I had in my head for a long time and was fun to write; I'm rather hoping it shows Peter in a stronger light and not as a scaredy-rat. Carole xxx Oh, and I won't let it go to head ;-]
Nice literary license with the silvery James watching in disgust. A different side of James. Or are you assuming it's pensive Harry?
Author's Response: Oh, it's Pensieve Harry, watching his dad being awful. But James thinks he's seeing himself. Thank you for the review. Carole xxx
Great story! I have only just found it and couldn't stop till I had read right through.
Looking forward to finding out what happens next.
Your characters are really believable.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so pleased you're enjoying it and find the characters believable. Next chapter is on its way and things are about to get a bit more...interesting for Lily. Carole xxx
great chapter again!~ =)
Author's Response: Thank you *grins*
I like this chapter a lot i enjoyed how you took Snape's memory from the book.
Author's Response: Thank you. That was the inspiration for the whole story - although it was supposed to be a one shot that mushroomed. Carole xxx
I just read all seven chapters. I'm not sure why, since I generally am uninterested in Marauder fics, especially those centering on James/Lily and Sirius/whoever, but you kept all of them in character and the chapters were well written. The whole story flowed very much like a complement to canon.
What I was really hoping for was a little more of a spotlight on Peter, the most neglected Marauder. I think you've handled him pretty well, making him obviously the least accomplished Marauder without making him a total loser. But you've made up a lot of details for James and Sirius and Lily, and so far told us very little about Peter and his background. I will probably continue to follow this story -- I'd like to see if there will be more development of Peter, and maybe more hints of what might turn him into a traitor.
The first six chapters were fairly light but engaging, with a lot of added detail (like Sirius meeting the punk girl) that wasn't necessary or important to the plot, but still interesting.
I have to say that this last chapter dragged, though, and I found myself skimming the second half. I think what really bogged it down was the interminable conversation with James's parents, and especially everyone giving a detailed accounting of their grades. Do we really need to know in exactly which subjects every single person got an 'O' or an 'E'? Or a lot of anecdotes about the Potters' school days? It became exactly like listening in on a dinner conversation involving a bunch of people you don't know -- boring. The important elements that needed to be conveyed in that scene -- the impressive accomplishments of James and Lily, a brief mention of Severus, allusions to the tension with Sirius's family, and hints of Mrs. Potter's illness -- could have been covered with a lot less extraneous dialog.
Overall, this is a very well-written story. Sorry to be so critical about this particular chapter -- it just stood out as being overly long and dull and not adding much to the story, compared to all the chapters that preceded it.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Peter is about to be featured far more in the next chapter and the following chapters but I agree he's been very much in the background so far.
Sorry you found the dining table dialogue so interminable>, but I actually considered it to be fairly realistic and necessary. I hate to say this, but just as adults talk continually about house prices, teenagers talk continually about their exam grades - self obsessed bunch that they are. I wanted the older Potters' reactions to their grades. I don't want to ignore Mr and Mrs Potter, they are important to my story because they have helped shape James. It's a personal thing, I guess, but I like the extraneous details in a story and I like dialogue (you may have gathered.You said before Sirius meeting the Muggle girl wasn't exactly necessary, but don't you think that Sirius drinking with her, accepting a cigarette and gettng rather over-excited by someone so different to Sonia and Lily, contributed to him getting into that fight with his old mum. If he hadn't been with her, he could have intercepted the owl carrying the grades and probably wouldn't have stormed away to James.
Anyhoo, thanks for reading especially as I know Marauders aren't your thing. You may want to skip one of the OC's as she seems to be getting rather close to Sirius and I know that's one of your pet peeves but at least she's not called Athene Serephena Goldilocks Fortescue.
Love the chapter. You can see the wheels turning in everyone's heads. And I still want to be Sirius if I ever grow up.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Mmm, few more wheels and cogs will be turning yet. There is, however, only one Sirius. Carole.
Yay! I'm enjoying your OCs and older people. One suggestion, though, since I clicked the wrong button and the story escaped before I could comment -- they might say "Defence" instead of "DADA," since the latter sounds an awful lot like a short-lived art movement.
Author's Response: Equally, it could be a particularly poor 80's hit by German band Trio (Da Da Da) but that would be the wrong era. Thank you for the review, VV - much appreciated. Carole
I think this story is great, I love how you capture all the different personalities of each character and reflect that in their actions and dialogues... When we sould read another chapter?????? I´m dying to know what happens next...
Author's Response: OOOH, thank you. That's a lovely thing to say. What started out as a very James centric fic has certainly changed as I became more interested in the other players. The next chapter is in the queue so hopefully it will be validated soon. *crosses fingers*. Carole xxx
loved the new chapter!~ =) i was waiting for it for quite some time now, i think... sirius is perfect!
Author's Response: Yeah, sorry about the wait. I was having a grammar meltdown! I'm glad you liked the chapter - especially Sirius' grand entrance. That boy, he slays me. I even wrote a song parody about him for Chritsmas. (see Author page *grins*) Carole xxx
ROTFLMAO! You've got a good story line here, and the chance meeting with James' father was well done. I still want to be Sirius when I grow up.
Author's Response: Ah, Sirius. He has such inate timing! Thank you for the review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
love this story, james is portrayed perfectly, just how i imagined. try to get the next chapter in quickly, i can't wait!
Author's Response: OH, so glad you're enjoying it. The next chapter is in the queue so hopefully not too much longer. And I have a few more after that.
Thank you for reviewing,
Sirius mum isn't exactly a candidate for Mother of the Year. I'm just glad he had James to go to. And at least Regulas cared what happened to him. Will be waiting with baited breath for the next few chapters.
Author's Response: Next chapters are a bit more Lily-centric but I'm sure our Lions will make an appearance somewhere...
Really good chapter. I love that Dummble dore recognized Lily and Muggle methods at the feast. Here come the N.E.W.T. years!
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Originally, I'd split this chapter in two and the second part was called 'Sometimes Magic isn't Enough.' I wanted to make the point that her Muggle skills were, in this instance, more important than magic so I'm pleased you've picked that as a hi-light.
And that shadow of Harry thing... sorry... totaly a failure at time space continuum. And there I've failed at spelling again. But I did like Sirius in the muggle world, very realistic and funny.
Author's Response: Any break in the space/time continuum causes ructions. I'm just surprised Jean-Luc Picard didn't turn up with Wharf!. I'm glad you like Sirius in the Muggle world. I tried to be as authentic as possible, especially the 1976 references and London. (I'm a London girl, you see)
That was pretty good. First marauder era fic I ever forced myself to read... but don't mind me, marauder era isn't really my cup of tea. I'm just waitng for you to get on with "Apparently Asleep" (;
Oh and the kiss of life scene was good enough, but the spell is anapnea (clears airways and restarts breathing, but I've butchered the spelling)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. The next Chapter of AA is in the queue so hopefully not long now (and I'm almost done with two further chapters, too). Yeah, I know the spell to clear the lungs but at that point James was beyong magic help and they were in so much shock that not even Remus could remember it - they are only Year 5 after all.
Wow!~ I really like this story! Your take on Regulus & Sirius's r/ship is refreshing, to say the least..this is a fab story! do update soon
Author's Response: Thank-you for the review. I'm so pleased you liked Sirius and Regulus. I think they must have had some sort of brotherly love for each other. Regulus will return for a later chapter or two. Next chapter concerns Lily.