MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: A H (Signed) · Date: 04/15/09 2:58 · For: Chapter 1 The New Inmates
Right off the bat: FanTASTic opening line, not to mention following lines. One stylistic thing I might suggest is that you combine the later two with a semicolon rather than period—the second sentence follows the former one so fluently that it reads kind of… stunted to have them separated.

Demonic shadows flickered and capered on the slick black walls of Azkaban; Cool drafts of the night air swept through the cell blocks, the briny taste of the sea hiding in the folds of the breeze.

Another grammar thing to pick:

but this time was different, was off.

The comma doesn't quite separate the last as substantially as it should. Maybe an en dash?

I think you get a kick out of writing ambiguous endings. :p Second time in a row I've found myself on the edge of my seat, wanting to know what's going to happen next. I really like the way you've kept up the dark tones throughout this, but haven't overdone them so that every line is another ''dreadful, awful, HORRIBLE!'' line. It allows for a lot more characterization to come through, which in itself is really quite lovely.

Shall continue on to the next chapter,

Author's Response: Thank you very much again for the constructive review. I really liked the semicolon suggestion. As for the other nitpick, I wasn't quite sure if you were suggesting a end dash (I think you were) and where exactly that should be. Other than that, I did get a lot of feedback from this review because sometimes I wonder if I make the tone too dark or not. I really appreciate this!

Name: A H (Signed) · Date: 04/14/09 20:10 · For: Prologue: At the End of the Day
Hmm... A very ambiguous ending. ;) My standing on prologues is that they're so often unneeded, but rather serve as a barrier between the reader and the action of the story. Here, I think, this could have been worked into the first chapter and the reader would still be able to understand Sirius' emotions and opinions on Azkaban.

That doesn't, by any means, mean that I didn't enjoy reading this, though. Your writing is very good, as is SPaG, and everything seemed to have a good flow to it. The opening paragraph was especially descriptive, with your detail to Sirius' actions being included. There was one part that bugged me though:

Sirius couldn’t believe that 10 years of his life had slipped by.

I can't imagine describing ten years of imprisonment 'slipping' by, had I been wrongfully locked up. It just seems like a... more peaceful (or at least more happy) adjective, when what he's describing isn't happy.

But that's my only nitpick. :) I really enjoyed reading this passage, and you left the reader with just enough to make them read on (which I will be doing, and most likely leaving a better review :))


Author's Response: Thank you very much for the constructive review. I really appreciate it. I mentioned the ten years because I wanted to put the reader in a certain time frame, but I will consider changing the word "slip" into a more active verb. Thanks again!

Name: The-heir-of-Gryffindor (Signed) · Date: 03/28/09 17:33 · For: Chapter 5 The Escape
I cried during the flashbacks and how Sirius used James to get him through. I laughed aswell, I liked how the dementor was called Smiley, it just struck me as something Sirius would do.
Thank you for writing this, it is one of my favourites at the moment.

Author's Response: I'm really glad you liked the story and parts of the story were harder for me to write as well because they caused me to tear up (I get emotionally invested with the characters). Thank you for making this one of your favorites.

Name: The-heir-of-Gryffindor (Signed) · Date: 03/28/09 17:00 · For: Chapter 1 The New Inmates
This is an amazing story, really well written and origional.
Thumbs up from me!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I'm really glad you liked it!

Name: Rainey_Dae (Signed) · Date: 01/19/09 13:50 · For: Chapter 4 Finding Padfoot and Meeting Cornelius
Just wanted to point out that the newspaper photo is black and white, harry comments on it in POA, so sirius wouldn't have noticed the hair.

Author's Response: Thanks for catching that mistake, I really appreciate it. Thanks also for the review.

Name: minervassister (Signed) · Date: 01/19/09 6:14 · For: Chapter 4 Finding Padfoot and Meeting Cornelius
This is a great story. Thanks! I am really enjoying it.
Good to hear about different part of Sirius' life.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. I'm really glad that you like the story!

Name: Hermoine Jean Granger (Signed) · Date: 10/30/08 7:16 · For: Prologue: At the End of the Day
A lovely premise has been explored through this story. Usually, Sirius' younger days are seen and explored in most fanfics, but you have broken out of the usual mold, and have written something very interesting and intriguing. The beginning of the chapter itself has been brought about in a very wonderful manner, and the first line was very descriptive. You've made great use of imagery, and in the dark and angsty atmosphere, there is a lot of powerful emotion which is brought out. The emotions have been captured very well, and I can truly see Sirius being on the verge of insanity during his first few years at Azkaban.

People went into the void, but rarely did they ever come back out. If they did come back out, they would never be the same.
This line, especially, created an impact on me, and I'd like to commend you on that.

There were 3,650 hash marks. Sirius couldn’t believe that 10 years of his life had slipped by.

Here, somehow, I can't imagine Sirius counting the number of hash marks on the wall, his character always seems to appear a little impatient to do such a thing. However, I can understand it if you want to portray Sirius' complete boredom through these lines. That could very well be a reason for his counting the number of hashes.

The ending lines of this story were really intriguing. In the paragraph before the last line, you've described very adequately what Sirius felt like, and how close to insanity he'd been.

Insanity had seemed like an easy way out for Black in those early years. Despised by his friends, feared and hated by the magical community, Black could have easily have been destroyed by Azkaban. He would have become just another number, another forgotten name and another person buried in an unmarked grave.

Very powerful emotions, yet again, and it was truly enjoyable to read his feelings written in such an eloquent manner. The last line, contradicted the entire paragraph before that, and just that single line made me sit up and wonder what you would come up with in the next chapter. Very good use of literary technique to build a suspense.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter, and I feel that you've done an astounding job with almost every aspect of the chapter. Very well done!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the in depth review. I really appreciate all the feedback you have given and I'm sorry it took so long to respond to this lovely review.

Name: ILoveHarry 3_14 (Signed) · Date: 09/04/08 19:32 · For: Chapter 1 The New Inmates
I like your story so far. I liked your view of what Azkaban looks like and what the levels of security are like. Update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I should have chapter 2 up in the queue soon!

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