Wow, that was awesome, I love writing Bella, and I've abandoned a chaptered fic I was working on about her, but you have inspired me to un-abandon it! It was great!
Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you've been re-inspired! Thanks for the review, and we'll make sure to read your story once it's validated!
~~Azhure and Rhi~~
Great story. It really effected me.
Author's Response: Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review.
~~Azhure and Rhi~~
Hmm. Intriguing! I've always been fascinated by Bellatrix as a character, and this story really did her justice. I liked how you tied so much back to the vivid green . . . the grass hill, the many spells . . . how it all linked together in her mind. And I think you did a good job too of showing her personality -- capturing both the insanity and the real human buried somewhere inside of her.
The only nit-pick I have is that I don't understand why some of the dialogue was in single quote marks, and some of it was in double quote marks. Most of it seemed to be in double, but the first scene was in single. Was this intentional, or a mistake? Just curious. It didn't dampen my reading experience or anything, but I was wondering about that.
So, kudos to both of you for a great read! :) And good luck in the competition too.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! The thing with the quote marks was a mistake...that's the problem with having two people writing in the same story. I'll fix it up now!
Thanks so much for the review!
~~Azhure and Rhi~~
The descriptive powers of both of you has never ceased to amaze me. Wonderful descriptions, especially that of Bella's death. The crude delight in torture that Bella liked, has been well portrayed in these lines:
"I put the laughter in slaughter! she delighted. That was a good joke, worthy of more laughs. And the more she let out this dark humour in her soul, the more it incensed her opponent! It was wonderful. That’s it, let it eat at you! Work harder now in your rage!"
Very effective, I must say.
The description of death in Bella's mind is something that has been approached to with marvellous precision. I was flabbergasted at the imagery in the words.
I have a few small nitpicks:
Cissy! Meda!’ she screamed, running when at last it was safe towards the two little figures.
I think this sounds better: Cissy! Meda!’ she screamed, running when at last it was safe to move towards the two little figures.
‘We were just dizzy, is all!
You have missed the word 'that' in the above sentence.
The characterisation of Cissa in these sentences seems a bit off.
“I cannot believe she’s gone,” Cissy whispered for the hundredth time. Bella couldn’t help but roll her eyes.
“It’s good that she’s gone,” she stated. “She is nothing but a filthy Mudblood-lover.”
Cissy’s head snapped up as if Bella had insulted her, not their sister.
I always felt that Narcissa would always side with Bella, especially when it came to the matter of Pure-blood supremacy. Narcissa was definitely in her concluding years of Hogwarts when Andromeda ran away with Ted. I believe that she'd have definitely formed an opinion on the matter by this age.
Other than that, Narcissa has never struck me as a person who would fight against Bella, she never seemed as one who was outspoken, one who would fight against her elder sister.
“You very well could have!” she shrieked.
The green continued to burn in her mind, blinding her. Bella shook her head again, but the memory of that green curse that had come close to hitting her was so vivid… so similar…
I think you are referring to two different scenes now. One in the Black manor with Barty Crouch Jr., and another in the Great Hall, with Molly Weasley. A paragraph break is necessary here to denote the change of scene.
Bella arced in the air and fell to the hard ground.
Arched has been misspelled.
Overall, the characterisation of Bella was marvellously done. I liked the vivd imagery and the questions that were going through her mind when the flash of green light came from Molly's hand and it reached her.
However, I do not think that she'd have had the time to think of all these events and the questions with that short span of time. Death seems to be instantaneous in the books, taking you suddenly by surprise(example: Sirius's death), but here it seems as though she had a lot of time to think of her whole life until the flash of green reached her.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, HJP! And for all the corrections!
In regards to some of your comments...
With Narcissa, we learn in DH that she is a compassionate person who would do anything for her son and husband, even though she has a good mask to hide behind. We wanted to portray this in our story. Although Narcissa wouldn't usually speak up to her sister like this, she would know that Bella is headed down a dark road, and even though Narcissa has gone part of the way, she is not continuing with Bella. Narcissa loves her sister and tries to convince Bella to turn away from Voldemort, and after this doesn't work, she panics and pretty much begs her sister. We did this intentionally to show that Narcissa always was that compassionate, yet suppressed person she is in DH.
With the paragraph break, we also did this intentionally. We wanted the memory and real life to flow together with no discernible beginning. So that's why there's no break; it would just defeat the purpose
And with the 'instantaneous death' thing. The big difference with our story to the HP books is that we are writing from the point of view of the person that is dying - and I know that Harry died, etc. etc. But it's fanfiction! Also, the total span of the story would be a few seconds in total, but we slowed it down for the sake of the story. Because otherwise we would have only written about three words!
Once again, thanks for the review and corrections - I am always so blind in regards with my own writing. Thank you!