Reviews For Head in the Sand
Reviewer: Kerichi
Date: 11/02/09 17:32
Chapter: Head in the Sand

Unlike Ted, you’re good with expressive language—eternal sentries, memories laying a head on her shoulder, the warmth of light like beloved hands—and evocative descriptions (especially those of the sun and sunrise). :)

 

I did notice while I was reading that Andromeda’s conversation with Molly came across as stilted and disjointed.  It was the lack of action and dialogue tags and the abrupt changes in subject, such as “If you don’t mind me asking, were they hard on you?”  At first, it was jarring, but the style fits. They’re two near-strangers sitting on a bench, and their “sense of kinship” doesn’t change that fact.  Andromeda is so withdrawn; there would naturally be long silences and bursts of awkward conversation.

 

Something I noticed that you might want to consider editing is your first sentence, which reads as if a corner of Andromeda’s mouth quirking is “another oddity of the Muggles.” :D If you put a period after “quirked” and made the second sentence, “Zoos were another oddity of the Muggles” your meaning would be clear.

 

Later in the story, I wondered, when “snow had yet to come” and Andromeda enjoyed the “unseasonable warmth,” why Bill is wearing a snow suit. Wouldn’t a fluffy-blue jumper be more appropriate?

 

And near the end, after you wrote that her encounter with Molly had left its mark, the sentence that follows reads as a non sequitur:

 

It was right outside Andromeda’s window: neighbors.

 

That sentence doesn’t explain how the encounter left its mark. It seems random and doesn’t make sense. Why introduce that they’re staying with unnamed “neighbors”? The story’s ending would read much stronger and less confusing if you edited it to read something like:

 

She turned back to the sunrise, remembering her encounter in Regent’s Park and wondering how Molly dealt with living in frightened seclusion.

 

Her hand went to her middle. Andromeda shook her head to stop her wandering thoughts.

 

She had enough to wonder about.

 

Thank you for writing the story. I enjoyed your take on Andromeda and Ted, the way you showed how Andromeda didn’t escape the Blacks without lingering issues to deal with, day by day.  



Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review and the constructive grammar points! :D How amusing and embarrassing. I'll edit them. As to 'neighbors'... Andromeda's little chat with Molly affected her in the way that she and Ted moved to a neighborhood. They'd been living somewhere remote before, as you can imagine. But Andromeda changed that. For company more than for safety. I'm glad you liked the story.

Reviewer: tc015
Date: 08/31/08 21:33
Chapter: Head in the Sand

First, thanks so much for this. I really loved reading it the first time, and I love it even more the second time.

I loved Andromeda's thoughts as she first arrived in the park. It's interesting that it's the first time she's around other people since she left her family. I love this line -It was nice, to be among people again and… To be among them, simply.- it's interesting how much we value human contact.

Molly and Andromeda's conversation was my favorite part. It's interesting how casually they seem to describe their family's reactions to their marriages; it seems so natural to them.

I really adore the name Margaux. Where did you get it from? It seems long and old-fasioned - the perfect pureblood name.

“Ted’s somewhere here in London, too. He… reads news,” Andromeda said dubiously. “He said Muggles watch him from te-le-visions, or something like that.”
I loved the mention of this. It's perfect because so many people think that Ted was the man from the news that the Dursleys were watching in SS.

Ted and Andromeda are cute together. I love the reference to the "dark side of the moon"; I love the way you interepreted it. I would have never thought to use it to describe a baby. I love Andromeda's joke about her daughter marrying a werewolf.

Overall, I really loved it. Thanks so much for writing this for me!!

~ Teresa

Author's Response: Teresa, I'm glad you loved it. ^_^ I was a little intimidated by your prompts, to tell the truth, hehe. In the end, I loved them, because this is the result. Margaux... I don't know if it's French or something else. I've just known and loved that name for so long. It's the name of a newscaster here. It's pronounced 'mar-gō'. Long o. It seemed a perfect name for Molly. You see, I can't imagine the parents who named their twins Fabian and Gideon using 'Molly' on their daughter. I figured Molly is just a pet name. The rest of your prompts, sunrise, birthdays didn't go well with what is usually 'the dark side of the moon', so I just gave it a more cheerful twist. ^_^ Thank YOU, Teresa.

Author's Response: Teresa, I'm glad you loved it. ^_^ I was a little intimidated by your prompts, to tell the truth, hehe. In the end, I loved them, because this is the result. Margaux... I don't know if it's French or something else. I've just known and loved that name for so long. It's the name of a newscaster here. It's pronounced 'mar-gō'. Long o. It seemed a perfect name for Molly. You see, I can't imagine the parents who named their twins Fabian and Gideon using 'Molly' on their daughter. I figured Molly is just a pet name. The rest of your prompts, sunrise, birthdays didn't go well with what is usually 'the dark side of the moon', so I just gave it a more cheerful twist. ^_^ Thank YOU, Teresa.

Reviewer: Dory_the_Fishie
Date: 08/31/08 16:43
Chapter: Head in the Sand

I liked this Ted/Andromeda better than Hints, I have to say. I thought overall it was better executed.

The scene between Molly and Andromeda was really adorable, especially with little Bill there. I love the parallel between them – the pureblood thing, their not-so-ideal marriages, their children (Andromeda’s to come, of course). It’s really nice. I particularly liked this bit: Rings on their left hands were on each of their peripheral visions. Inescapable recognition passed from one face to the other. A sense of kinship beyond being witches in that park full of Muggles. It emphasizes that parallel, and it’s great.

This is going to sound completely trivial and probably annoying, but the fact that you used ‘Margeaux’ and ‘William’ instead of ‘Molly’ and ‘Bill’ sort of threw me. I mean, Molly probably always went by ‘Molly,’ and even if she and Andromeda weren’t close at school, Andromeda would still know her as ‘Molly’ if that’s how everyone else knew her. ‘William’ I can perhaps see, if Molly is introducing him for the first time. I probably would have simply gone with ‘Bill,’ but that’s just preference I suppose.

Ted is really quite adorable, isn’t he? I love him, and how you’ve written him. It’s easy to see how he and Andromeda fit together, how they’re in love. The comment about their child marrying a werewolf was sweet, and actually had me wondering how Ted and Andromeda reacted when they found out their daughter wanted to marry a werewolf…

Anyway. I enjoyed this. I think you’ve done a good job with two characters we don’t know very well; you’ve written them believably.

Author's Response: Thank you again, Leanne. For that passage you quoted, we have Teresa's prompt to thank. That's my interpretation of William Golding's Lord of the Flies 'inescapable recognition'. Hee. Yeah, trivial and annoying, let me name the characters as I please, you. LOL. I have an explanation for thatm actually, in case Jenna also finds it weird. I found it weird, too, at first. But then, I thought, this is Andromeda Tonks nee Black, and as I've already mentioned in the story, she has a different manner of archiving acquaintances. Influenced by her family. Unshakeable even by Hogwarts influence. I think the circle of purebloods know each other by their proper names, and then call each other by 'other' names behind each others' backs-- this last by the judgmental families, at least, like the Blacks and Malfoys. Little Bill being William, it is mother's pride shining through there. I know I will always introduce my kids not by their nicknames, hee. Glad you enjoyed this one, Leanne. Thanks again.

Reviewer: sergeantmajorette
Date: 08/29/08 21:01
Chapter: Head in the Sand

*Not* bad! I liked it a lot, as a matter of fact: a very nice, not sappy, canon-compliant look at a minor character...

Author's Response: Thank you so much, hon.

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