WOW! I have to confess that whilst I was curious to read a slash fic (as I'd never read one before) I was a little apprehensive especially seeing as it involved my two all time favourite HP characters, but I decided to branch out, and I'm so glad that I did! This was incredible! I think I was smiling pretty much all the way through.
With a devilish wink to himself, he smiled at his reflection.
Haha! Such a Sirius thing to do, great characterisation.
James pushed his mate aside so that he could look at himself fully
Such posers lol.
“By journey, you mean enchanting his stick to see how far he would fetch? It’s been a month now, I don't think ole Butch is coming back.”
Hehe, great little additional detail, poor old Butch.
“And why are you thinking about kids names?”
There should be an apostrophe after the 's' on 'kids' so that it becomes 'kids's'.
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake,” Sirius grumbled. “Did you get her pregnant?”
I loved Sirius' bluntness here, his use of 'her' instead of calling Lily by name also adds emphasis to his dislike for her.
“Come off it, Prongs! Did you do the deed or not? Did you knock her up or what?” Sirius was very irritated as he pried him for an answer. He snatched off James’ tie to get him to focus on his words.
Very laddish speech from Sirius there, I liked it. Also I loved the gesture of Sirius whipping James' tie away, I could picture the scene vividly.
Ever since James and Lily had started dating, his time with his friend had dwindled to null. He was lucky to get this time with him and that was only because Lily had other plans.
Aww poor Sirius! I really felt for him here. Also, thank you, because with this bit you made me think about an aspect of Sirius' and James' relationship that I'd not given much thought to in the past. I'd never realised what James' relationship with Lily would do to his friendship with Sirius. So thank you for that, as that will now be another little dimension I can add to my own fic :).
asked he as he watched James through the mirror.
I think this would be a bit more clearer if you put 'asked Sirius' instead.
He could see James look more irritated at being reminded of this. "I'm not stupid, Sirius."
"Yet I'm not a virgin, James." Sirius couldn't help but to sound proud as he stated this.
Hehe! Great bit of banter.
There were so few things in his life that Sirius could say he got the one up on over James. James pretty much had everything Sirius ever wanted: good grades, good friends, a good-looking girl, and a great family life at home. James was almost better than he was in certain things.
Again another great bit of characterisation, and also something else I'd never given much thought to before.
From the shop's window, he could see James running down the block, catching up to Lily. The rudeness of being hastily dumped by his friend left Sirius face screwed up and flushed. “Bloody hell,” he muttered disbelievingly, as he watched them kiss in the middle of the street.
Hehe! Loved this bit. Sirius is not accustomed to being ditched is he? lol
“Yes, I would,” James said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Considering how ugly a woman you are, I would dump you like a cheap date and run off with some other buxom babe.”
This bit really made me giggle!
“Damn, he must have been really good to move so quickly!” James said in amazement.
I actually choked wth laughter at this point. Brilliant line!
Sirius signal James to move
Did you mean 'signalled'?
I had a big revelationary 'ahhh' moment when the bit after the bike chase arrived. It's great how you incorporated this one shot to surround the Prologue. Great idea!
“Look mate, I’m sorry about what happened back there-”
There should be a comma after 'look'.
At the mention of her name, Sirius to get off the bike
Did you want to say 'got off the bike' here?
This should be 'Evans's'.
He felt himself tense at first but then began to loosen as he realized that those were lips that he was feeling…James’ lips.
Aww, this was actually really sweet and very well written. I was actually routing for the pairing at this point, and I never thought I'd say that lol, but I still ship Lily/James in my heart I'm afraid :p.
James moved to Sirius ear and whispered softly to him, “Even if I changed my name to Elvendork?”
Much more then you’re willing to say.”
It should be 'than' instead of 'then'
But now, he had no choice to give in
'he had no choice but to give in' would sound better :).
Seriously, really well done with this! You deserve so much more reviews. I suppose it's the slash aspect that puts people off, but really it's such a deserving story.
All the way through this I was wondering who your Sirius and James reminded me of. Now I've finally realised who it is. I don't know whether or not youre familiar with the English comedy duo Ant and Dec? Well, it reminds me of their relationship. And I'm a huge Ant and Dec fan so well done lol, extra bonus points for that!
I'm so glad that I reviewed this. It was brilliant. I'd really love it if you wrote some more Marauder centric stuff. You're really good at it!
Okay, I'm going to go now as this review is already uber long. lol
Author's Response: MY GOODNESS!!! Thank you for taking the time in reading this and leaving a this great review for me. I really do appreciate it. And I do believe your right. I think some people do tend to shy away from reading Slash stories cause they're not comfortable in reading such things. Lord knows, I have to admit that I've never been comfortable in writing such things. Maruader fics have never been my strong suite either. At least not at first. But sometimes, one has to realize, that love is just love. And once you start writing about it, then it gets easier over time. Thanks again! You've totaly made my day.
Rhi told me about this!! *hugs* As you can probably tell, Rhi and I share the same OTP.
Gah, it was a great story...the emotions... the love triangle....*sigh* And the fact you linked it to JKR's prologue was great! Well, I'm off to read it again! Nice work!!! - and sorry for the short review...I'm just so excited!
Author's Response: **giggles*
Well you two have alot in common. Thanks again for reading and reviewing. I hope you still like it the second time around.
OMS, I loved this!! Thank you so much, Marsha! It was cute and funny and sincere. It was great how you managed to fit it so perfectly into JKR's prologue, too. I had wondered about their t-shirts and the police chasing them. I like it too how at the end Sirius doesn't get burned. And I love how you worked with the Lily/James/Sirius dynamic. It's realistic. Thank you so much for being the best secret swapper ever! *huggles*
Author's Response: ***huggles*** I'm glad you liked it!! With the Gauntlet and all, I didn't have time to get it to you by the deadline. And I didn't want to do a half job of writing, so I waited till the Gauntlet was over to write this the way you wanted it. ** huggles**