Very good story! You can really feel all the emotions!
H.J., Hannah, this was a really beautiful story. I loved it a lot. It brought across the grief one feels after losing a beloved person in a very delicate way, allowing the reader to feel with and for the characters. I found you handled this saddening topic wonderfully, as from the first word I got caught up in the story and needed to read on to find out what happened. The style of your narration added to the thoughtfulness of the story; the slow pace suited the story brilliantly because it enabled me to get more into the emotions you conveyed.
I find your characterisation of Hermione to be great. I could easily see Hermione being this depressed after losing her daughter. From the books, I know that she cares a lot about her friends. You took this and went further. By showing her to be a mother deeply in love with her child, you allowed me as the reader to feel sympathy with Hermione at her loss. You thus grabbed my attention and bound me to the story which is an important factor to keep a reader’s interest. You caught and kept mine. :)
Ron’s characterisation I thought to be very well done as well. That he was the rational one in this story is a wonderful and new take on his adult self, and I really enjoyed reading it as it was a refreshing interpretation of his character. It also showed that he cared not only for his dead daughter but for his wife as well. The culmination of this was the vision Hermione had of Ron (and Harry) in tears. It was very emotional and brought me to tears myself.
The idea of Hermione to seek answers in the Department of Mysteries was surprising but – in my opinion – very original. However, from the books, I had the impression that Hermione is more of the law-abiding type of person and would therefore rather work in, for example, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. To me, Hermione never appeared to be the kind of person that is very much interested in speculations and mysteries; after all, she dropped Divination. And while Divination is future-telling more than speculations, to someone like Hermione with her logical thinking and love for facts it would appear as being speculative and mysterious. I therefore cannot really see Hermione working in the Department of Mysteries. That you do have her work there proves to be an interesting and unclichéd plot development, but I think if you had her work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement instead, for example, she – as a Ministry employee – could still have access to the Department of Mysteries. Yet, like I said, I liked that she would go there and seek this place out for help in her darkest hour; it’s an interesting take on her character, something I haven’t yet seen.
What I liked as well was the scene where she talked with Lupin, asking and receiving answers. It shows that even someone who loves facts like Hermione does, and who usually knows the answer before a question is asked, is changed drastically when grief takes over her world. She can’t think clearly anymore, and you brought that across perfectly.
However, I can’t quite see Lupin talk like he did in your story. When I read the first few of his words, I immediately envisioned Dumbledore. The words you have Lupin speak sound more like being spoken by an aged, wise man. They reminded me strongly of the station scene in Deathly Hollows, when Harry talked with Dumbledore after his supposed death by Voldemort. Dumbledore certainly was aged and wise. Lupin died quite young. While he was very smart and was shown as a source of answers for Harry in especially his third year, but later as well, I doubt Lupin would convey the same wisdom Dumbledore did. To me, from his portrayal in the books, Dumbledore may have made mistakes in the past, but he was nonetheless a man whom Harry trusted the most, I think. Additionally, Hermione didn’t have this “bond” with Lupin Harry had. He was her teacher, and later a companion in the fight against Voldemort, but not much more. Why she would talk to him is a bit mysterious to me.
What I liked was that Tonks and Lupin are taking care of Sophie. I liked it, as it fits with Tonks not having had the time with her own child. I even found the mentioning of Lily and James wanting to watch after Sophie, but that Tonks and Lupin insisted to take her instead, a little bit funny. It brightened the otherwise quite dark atmosphere of the story and created a beautiful, light moment. I found that it also built a bridge back to the sad circumstances of Lily and James dying young and Harry not having his parents when growing up. I liked the way you interwove happiness and sadness.
In this regard, let me congratulate you on how well you incorporated the prompt of the challenge. I found it to be mastered perfectly, giving the story its backbone and plot.
The end of the story was heartbreaking. I was so happy that Hermione chose to go back to Ron, that she missed him as much as he missed her. And I loved the little scene at the end where Rose was born, and Hermione presented her to Sophie. It was a very nice ending of the story, leaving me happy that Hermione moved on with her life, but at the same time I was sad that Rose will never meet Sophie and get to know her. Ending the story on this quite light tone gave it a hopeful touch that brightened my heart.
Something I noticed was a couple missing punctuations. For example, in the sentence His voice caught on the last word and when she turned to look at him she saw that his face was stained with tears., there are two missing commas: after “word” and “him”. In some other places, I missed a full stop at the end of a sentence. In a flowing narration, a missing full stop makes it difficult to realise when a sentence finishes and a new one starts; it gets confusing.
Overall, I can only repeat what I said at the beginning: that I loved this story. It is written beautifully, flowing and very emotional. It’s definitely a story that needs to be recommended. Thank you for a wonderful read, you two.
That was a good story, nice job co-writing! How did the challenge turn out?
I thought there were some really nice things going on here. I loved the Hall of Records, that was fantastic! I thought the idea of Hermione and Ron losing their first child was very plausible and well written. I think Hermione would definitely question it and have a hard time with not being able to fix it.
I liked how she ended up in a library and I though having Lupin there was a nice touch. Good characterization.
It did seem rushed to me at several points, but I know that sometimes happens in a one shot. A bit more detail and description here and there would have set the scene better, and perhaps gotten us more into Hermione's head. For example, we know very little about Sophie but perhaps that is what you intended, which is fine! I did, however, want more detail when Hermione returned - her decision, the actual return, and her reunion. And I although it was primarily about Ron and Hermione, since Harry was there I wouldn't have minded seeing him a bit more.
Overall, a nice, original story! ~Gina :)
I cried reading this, I don't know whether this was intended or not, but still.
I thought this was wrote in a beautiful manor, and it was a amazing plot line.
I like how it ended in a happy manor, a bit cliche but still it fitted nicely with the story.
Well done to both of you.
That was .. depressingly fabulous!
I was so close to tears the whole way through, but when Hermione appeared in the library, I burst out laughing.
If you don't mind me nitpicking, I think she was a bit OOC in the sense that we've always seen Hermione go for help when she is having trouble. But in this, she didn't. Or was that a part of her depression?
Whatever. I loved it!
Ok, this story had me in tears the entire way through, and that doesn't happen very often. I loved that Remus and Tonks were looking after Sophie for Hermione and Ron. That was a very nice touch! I really wish you luck in this challenge. You have a wonderful story here! :) Cyns
Your story was depressing. You can take that as a compliment.
However, I just have to say, that I don't think Hermione would've actually gone charging through the veil. The part where she kept trying to bring Sophie back was good, I just don't think she would've killed herself. She's too sensible. Or maybe that's just me. :)
I love how when she 'died' she ended up in a library. Lupin being there was kind of unexpected, but I'm glad that he was.
Great job you guys!
Author's Response: thanks for the review and for your comments. In response to Hermione trying to kill herself, I'm not sure that was her intention when she went through the veil. I think she obviously expected to die but I don't think she made an actual decision to die - she just needed answers and it seemed the only place left open to her. I agree with you that Hermione is too sensible to kill herself but she's clearly not her normal self here so she's prepared to do things she wouldn't usually. I'm glad you liked the library/Lupin idea - that was all my partner's so I can't take the credit! Thanks again for the review - I hope I've not come across too defensive, I just like to try and explain my reasoning behind things. Hannah
*tear* good story!
Author's Response: thanks! I'm glad you liked it.